“Abigail, no, we don’t. Listen, I know you’re trying to help, but I would rather spend the day at home and not force myself to put on a brave face for the public.” I started to gather my stuff. I neededto get out of the restaurant, and fast. My throat constricted and tears pricked my waterline.
“And that includes being brave for you.”
I stood up from the booth, but Abigail snatched my wrist and pulled me back before I could get too far. “Don’t push me, Lennon. I know you’re hurting, but you don’t get to be rude.” I yanked my arm back out of my sister’s grasp and stalked toward the door. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. She should be the last person I fought with.
All I wanted was to be alone, in my cold and empty home.
Day in and day out, my life was more like a battle and I was constantly at war with myself. I was being pulled between who I was before Camden’s death—carefree and full of life—and the woman I needed to learn how to be without him in order to get past the heartbreak. But I didn’t know how to be that person and I was scared to be someone new. New meant Camden was in the past and that wasn’t a reality I wanted to live in yet.
When I arrived home, I headed straight to the bedroom and crawled underneath the covers. I pulled the pillow that belonged to Camden close to my face. It had long since lost the scent of him, and that realization broke my heart all over again.
I wanted it back. I wanted him back.
Longing coursed through me as the memories of him played in my head. There was a time when we would lie together, a tangled mess of limbs under the sheets, and I would relish in the warmth of him. Nothing could compare to the way I felt in his arms.
I was safe. Loved. Wanted.
As I grasped the pillow tightly to my body, a sob escaped my throat, reminding me that I was cold and hollow. I choked out the words, “I miss you,” and it echoed out into the empty room. The only other sound was the quiet purr of my cat, who had pounced up onto the bed. He was a gift from Camden and the last thing he ever gave me. I reached out to stroke his orange and white fur. “It’s just you and me, Anakin.”
There’s a place I liked to escape to right before sleep would fully take me under. It’s a small space that could only be found in between my dreams and reality, but it’s the only place he existed anymore. I closed my heavy eyes and let myself drift off to sleep, happy for the brief interruption in my agony and I hoped that he was waiting for me.
three
Lennon
Weeks passed, and Ihadn’t heard from Abigail since I left her sitting in front of our unfinished breakfast. It’s not lost on me that I acted like a petulant child who had been told ‘no’ for the first time.It was unlike Abigail to not reach out. She had always been the better one to bridge the gap after a disagreement. I must have hurt her feelings more than I realized. I would cave first this time. It’s the least I could do, and I had no patience to wait out her cold shoulder.
I’m sorry
I know
The quick reply chimed from my phone. This apology was obviously going to be harder to earn than a simple "I’m sorry" My feet carried me back and forth the length of my living room. I knew I was at fault. I just needed to show Abigail that.
It didn’t take long after my failed breakfast with Abby to realize that maybe she was right. Maybe what I needed was time away from the mundane life I had created for myself. I spent hours upon hours scouring the internet researching flights and hotels or rentals in Scotland. I immersed myself in blog after blog about people’s experiences and ones I wanted for myself. I convinced myself that this was the right choice after the second website I visited and the new accounts I followed on social media, my feed was flooded with the breathtaking landscapes.
My time off was approved, and as long as I didn’t chicken out, I would be in Scotland in a few short months. Telling Abigail would be easy, but having to tell her I wanted to go alone, that would be the difficult part. I had been using Abigail as a crutch for far longer than I should have been, and I needed to start relying on myself. How could I move forward if I relied on other people to hold me up? It might be a long shot, but I had the thing to apologize to Abigail with, and hopefully, soften the blow that she wouldn’t be joining me on the trip.
I was thinking about going shopping today, wanna come?
…Like clothes shopping?
Yea, but maybe some new things for the house, too
Like you suggested…
Are you sure?
I think so
Be there in 10
The front door swung open precisely ten minutes later. Abigail waltzed in, making her way to the back bedroom. “You ready.” A statement more than a question.
What I loved most about my sister was her ability to forgive, mainly her ability to forgive me for quite literally everything. The years we spent growing up sharing a room had spawned so many fights between us that it was second nature to not be on speaking terms. It would never last long, though, and like a flip of a switch, it was as if the fight never happened.
Today was no exception, and I was grateful.
After what seemed to be hours of aimlessly wandering down aisle after aisle, we returned to the house, bags in tow. I pulled out the new pillows and a throw blanket I had purchased and shuffled back to the living room. I didn’t even really want these, but Abigail was pushing for more drastic changes, and this was all I could manage.
