By the time we were done eating, my headache had subsided, and the only reminder I had of the night before was sore muscles.We went our separate ways in the parking lot, and I could almost hear my couch calling my name. I needed to do nothing for exactly twenty-four hours in order to fully recover. My phone buzzed, I dug through my purse for my keys, and Theo’s name popped up in the notifications and my heart fluttered.
How’s your head, love
Better now that there are eggs and bacon in my system
Ahh, the world’s best hangover cure… grease. What are you up to today, I was going to see if you wanted to go to the river later?
Come by around 5?
I’ll be there
Fairvale was vastly unappreciated by me. I’d spent my life in this town and forgot that I was surrounded by landscapes that people paid to have paintings of. There were trees of all kinds that went on for as far as you could see as the river cut through the edge of town.
As a kid, I would ride my bike along the trail that followed Orange Grove River to escape my home, even if it was only for a few hours. I’d pedal as fast as I could, letting the wind blow away the tears that usually sparked my ride.
Thinking about it caused a burn in the back of my throat. It didn’t matter the amount of therapy I’d gone through, nothingwould erase the sting of rejection from your own parent, and I was certain that I would carry it forever.
Adult me understood that we were all just people, regardless of the titles we held—mother, father, sister, friend. We are all human, and for some of us, when life isn’t kind, we take it out on those closest to us.
I understood it, I’d felt it. I could see that my mother had endured some unknown pain and could understand why she was the way she was. But underneath my grown-up exterior, there was still the little girl version of me that struggled with forgiveness, and carried resentment for the life I had to claw my way out of. The older sister in me would never understand how she could look at Abby and not want to be the best version of herself for her, for us.
Losing Abby and I should have been her rock bottom, but she continued to spiral until even the smallest interactions with herbecame too much of a burden. Abby and I went full no contact with her not long after Theo left. I couldn’t bear to watch her slowly kill herself, and I needed to put myself first.
There were some days where I wished it were different, days where I longed for a mother that loved and cared for me, but I know that would never be possible. Not while she stayed on the path that she was on. She still lives in town and every once in a while we cross paths, but it was like walking by a stranger. She let her addiction rule her life, and I was forced to live a life that didn’t include her.
My knees shook as I waited on my porch steps as the sun was began its descent into the horizon. The flutters returned to my stomach as Theo’s car pulled up to my house, and I was beginning to think that they were going to make my stomach their permanent home. I bounced off the steps to meet him on the sidewalk, and we started our walk down the block to access the Orange Grove River trail.
We wound our way through the pathway as it cut through the grass, my hand trailing along the tips of the dry, overgrown weeds. We didn’t speak until we reached the river’s edge. A wave of nostalgia struck me as the water gently lapped over the rocky shore.
“Thank you for coming to get me.” My breath came out as a smoke puff above us as we laid in the bed of his truck. “I couldn’t breathe in that house any longer.” Abby was at a friend’s house when our mom stumbled into the house, drunk before the sun had even gone down.
I tried to make it to my room without her seeing me, but I wasn’t fast enough before she started shouting about how I ruined her life. I lasted a few hours before calling Theo to come get me and take me anywhere.
Anywhere that wasn’t home, which is how we ended up down by the river in the middle of the night.
The plastic of the truck bed dug into my back as we gazed at the stars above us. We didn’t speak. We laid side by side under the stars with our hands clasped together so tight that my fingertips started to go numb. He didn’t ask what was wrong, he didn’t try to offer comforting words. He held my hand, and it was exactly what I needed.
“You know I’d do anything for you, right?” He whispered without looking at me, causing my next breath to stay in my chest. “I loveyou and whenever you need somebody, I’ll be there for you.” His voice trembled over the words, but he spoke with such conviction it left no room for me to doubt him. “I will always be here.” He finished with and squeezed my hand.
Our heads turned to meet each other’s gaze. The only thing that illuminated the night was a sliver of the autumn moon and the dusting of equinox constellations. None of that mattered though, because even in total darkness, he would be the only thing I would need. I thought I was out of tears to cry tonight, but the way they slipped from the corners of my eyes and ran down my cheeks proved me wrong.
“You love me,” I said it as more of a statement than a question.
“I love you,” he repeated. I reached up to push the fallen curls out of his eyes and scanned his face for anything that told me he might have been lying, but there was nothing but pure adoration.
“And you would do anything for me?” I don’t know why I wasasking. I think I just wanted to hear him say it again.He reached up and cupped my cheek. “Anything for you.”
This was the first time anyone had told me they loved me, and the weight of the words settled deep into my soul. It no longer mattered that I was screamed at for simply existing in a world I had no choice but to be in because he loved me.
“I love you, too.”
Theo never wavered in his love for me back then, which was why it never made sense for him to just up and leave. I was hesitant to ask him, fearing that his answer would be as simple as him losing interest in whatever he loved aboutme.
“Do you remember the time you brought me here to look at the stars?”
“I do,” he answered.
He sensed that I had more to say because he didn’t speak, didn’t push. He waited and listened.
