Somehow, he always knew what I needed.
“When Camden and I began looking for a house to buy, I knew I wanted to stay in Fairvale, and I wanted to get as close to the water as possible. Our house came up for sale out of nowhere. It was perfect. The second they placed the keys in my hand, I saw it, our whole lives played like a movie in my head. We’d build a life together in that house, and every night we’d walk by the river as we grew old together.”
My head tilted back to soak up the last of the sun’s rays and I let out a shaky breath. “I don’t get to see him gray and old, and that will haunt me for the rest of my life. But I still have the river, and now that you’re back, I have you again.” I turned to Theo, and for once, it felt like I finally got to talk about Camden and not have someone’s eyes fill with sorrow when they looked at me. Finally, my heart wasn’t being ripped apart at even the feel of his name on my tongue.
The hurt was still there, but it wasn’t exposing itself to me in a fit of rage, demanding I feel every ounce of pain it held. It was softer somehow, like a dull constant ache in the base of my heart. I had a sense of security from being close to Theo, and I knew I could pour my heart’s secrets out to him because, with him, they wouldalways be safe. I would never have to worry about being judged or that I’d be treated like my pain isn’t still raw.
Our eyes held, and my pulse quickened because he looked at me like Camden did. He looked at me like I was the answer to all of life’s questions and he would spend the rest of his life asking them. I’d been saying that it was the universe or fate that brought us together, but maybe it wasn’t either one of those at all. Maybe heaven was real, and Theo was sent to me by the only other man that ever held my heart.
I didn’t know what this was between us, or what to call it, but I could be okay with it.
twenty-four
Lennon
There was a heavyweight settling inside of me. It was causing my chest to cave in on me. My heart hurts, plain and simple.
I missed Camden.
Even worse, I had been missing him less and less the more time I had been spending with Theo. And I didn’t know what to do with this new revelation. If there was a way to see the future and know how this all ends up, I would gladly accept whatever the consequence would be.
Could I be with Theo and still be able to keep space for Camden, and was that even fair to ask?
Theo made me feel again, and I couldn’t imagine going back to how I was before he reappeared in my life. Every day, Theo showed up and was present in my life, and it was his consistency that had me falling for him all over again.
For two years, I’d shut myself away, afraid to be a part of anything because there was always a chance it would fail. Or that there would be some unexpected event that would turn me on my head again, and I wasn’t willing to risk my time or my heart. But slowly I had been able to come out of the shell I closed myself in, and I have him to thank.
Even with no one around, there was a heavy sigh that left me. Yes, I missed Camden, but today, I was missing Theo, too. The only difference was I had the chance to see Theo. It hurt to acknowledge this new reality, but I was hoping that, for once, I could have what I wanted without getting hurt in the end.
A knock echoed through my house. I wasn’t expecting anyone today and if it was Abby, she would have already been halfway through the house by now. Reluctantly, I moved from my couch. When I pulled open the door Theo was standing on my porch, as if I’d conjured him from my thoughts alone. The heaviness I was carrying in my chest moments before lessened. The heat here had been in full swing, and even though it was only eleven in the morning, it was about ninety degrees and dry as a bone outside.
His skin glistened where there was already a thin layer of sweat forming from the brief moments he had been outside.It shouldn’t have been attractive, but my brain had gone a bit fuzzy at the sight of him. His hair was slicked back slightly, like he just stepped out of the shower and he had the top few buttons of his shirt open. It was his smile that held my gaze, though. It was brighter than the sun and directed straight at me. It took me a moment to come back to the present.
“I brought you something,” he began, and I was finding it hard to form a thought. I let him inside, so maybe he’d stop sweating and I could start thinking. He pulled me briefly into a hug, and I breathed in his scent deeply; it’d been so many years, and yet it’d never changed.
I hoped it never would.
He set a bag down onto the counter and fished out whatever it was he said he brought, but I was so distracted. I took a moment to let my eyes roam over him. Everything about him seemed to do something to me. The way his skin looked in the sun or how he wore his shirts a touch too tight, so it strained around his biceps and chest when he moved. My mind started drifting to another place as I thought about what was hidden underneath all his clothes.
I shouldn’t be standing here ogling him, but yet it seemed to be my new favorite pastime. Then I saw the stack of books he was pulling out. My eyes skimmed across the titles, and then it clicked.
“Hey, I had these on hold at Nevermore.” He placed them in my hands, and I started rifling through them. I didn’t remember telling him I had an order or that I sometimes have books on hold there.
His laugh filled the room, and I shut my eyes, for a second, to let the sound sink into my skin. It was like a tiny piece of heaven moving through me. I must have had them shut for a touch too long because I didn’t notice him move closer or that he’d reached out until his hand trailed across my cheek. “I was at Nevermorejust looking around when Mrs. Andrews mentioned you had an order, so I thought I would save you the trip.”
It was a normal sentence, but it had goosebumps pricking up along my skin despite the rising heat outside. Cared for—that was the part I had been missing since Camden died. That there was not only someone thinking of me and my simple needs, but that they were also willing to take the time to help me.
My bottom lip tucked inwards and I chewed on the soft skin as my brain chanted, ‘don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry.’ The ache that formed in my throat was overwhelming, and I struggled to clear it. “Camden used to pick my books up for me.” My eyes lifted to meet his gaze, and his face held a soft look. “Mrs. Andrews told me,” he said as he reached out again, but this time tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. He let his hand trail down the lock. He fiddled with the ends, rolling them into between his fingers.
“It’s silly, but I didn’t realize how much I missed having someone help with my errands.” I gave him a soft smile as he dropped the strands from his fingers.
“Is it okay? I don’t ever want to overstep or anything.” Even though he was doing something nice for me, he was worried about my perception of his actions. I was finding there were more and more reasons to fall, and his thoughtfulness had me gone for him. He was still close, much too close, but I couldn’t find it in me to move away. I tilted my head back slightly, so his face was in my full line of view.
“Yeah, Theo.It’s more than okay.”
Over time, you forget the little details of a person you once thought you’d never live without. Like the way his green eyes held specks of gold that reminded me of emeralds in the sun. Or how his pillowy bottom lip beckoned me in with whispers of unspoken secrets waiting to be told. But my favorite was the small smattering of freckles along his nose that matched mine. So light that unless you were as close as I was now, you’d never know they existed.
But I knew, and I didn’t ever want to forget again.
