“As long as Theo drives you home,” Carina replied. His hands trailed up from my hips and came down to rest on my shoulders, and I leaned back into him absentmindedly.
“No problem, Carina. I can do that.” He grinned at her as he rested his chin on the top of my head. They watched as Theo and I made our way out of the crowded bar and into the night.
The wind whipped around my hair as we pulled into my driveway. I half expected him to watch me disappear into my empty home and half wished he would follow me inside. My hand hovered on the door handle. It wasn’t unreasonably late, I bargained with myself and I wanted him to follow me inside.
He didn’t give me a chance to open my mouth before he got out of the car and was opening my door. With my hand laced in his, I trailed behind him along the pathway to my front door. I fumbled with my keys, trying to get the lock to work with me. The house was covered in darkness as I crossed the threshold. Only the light of the porch illuminated the area where Theo waited. The light bounced off his skin, painting him in the most beautiful glow.
“Do you want to come inside?” I fumbled over the words as the air caught in my throat. He nodded and brushed past me as he stepped inside. The door clicked shut behind him, sending us back into the dark. We stood there, just shadows, hovering around the mountain of feelings we have been too scared to admit.
His breath skirted across my face, and I ached to reach out for him, to pull him close and make it so this house didn’t feel as barren as it was. All it would take was a one simple touch and I could have it. My arm lifted from my side, but before I could get any further, I stumbled in my step. He caught me by the shoulders and the simple touch of his hands sent sparks throughout my body.
He chuckled softly. “Okay, let’s get you to bed.” Before leading me down the hall. The hazy part of my brain wanted to reply with a suggestive remark, but when his hand reached for my bedroom, I froze.
It was just a room, I wanted to tell myself. No different from every other place in my house, but I had kept this part of me closed off every time he’d visited. It was the only room Camden was still alive in; to bring another man in would be a betrayal.
It was just a room and even when he saw what was behind the door didn’t mean it would change anything.
Then the door swung open and I had no more time to dwell on the thought. He pulled me inside and I squinted as the switch was flipped, and the room flooded with light. Gently, he nudged me to the edge of the bed, and I plopped down on my unmade bed. Kneeling in front of me, he slipped my aching feet from the sandals. The haze began to take over, pushing the overwhelming sense of disloyalty to the back of my mind, and I decided to unpack it later.
“What a sight you are on your knees, Theo,” I said, pushing his fallen curls back into place. He looked up at me and for a second I remembered what it was like being eighteen and so in love with someone you couldn’t stand the thought of ever being without them.
I wondered if it was something you could get back once it was lost.
“Yeah, it’s definitely past your bedtime,” he retorted as he stood. “Where do you keep your pajamas, love?” He asked, as he started pulling open dresser drawers.
“I told you I was too old to be out,” I said through a yawn as my back pressed into my mattress. My blankets were soft, and it took a lot not to curl into them and let sleep take over. Just before I let my eyes close, pajamas landed next to my head. “You’re not going to ask me to strip for you, are you?” said my sleep filled brain. He appeared above me, laughing, a smile plastered across his face that caused my heart to stir. The longer he looked at me like that, the more I began to think I might do anything he asked.
“Are you tired?” He questioned me, and while my feet hurt from the amount of time I spent on the dance floor and my body ached, my mind was racing.
“No,” I said, with only the tiniest bit of wariness in my voice. He took my hand and hauled my body upright.
“Good. Get changed. We can watch a movie.” He left me alone, and I scrambled into the clothes he picked out. I was drowning in my sweats and oversized tee when I entered the living room. Theo reclined on the couch, scanning through the channels for something to watch as I shuffled over. Dragging the blanket off the back, I arranged myself close to his side. There was no point in fighting my attraction, so for the rest of the night, Igave into my urges.
Nothing crazy. I only wanted to be held by him, if only for a little while.
His arm slipped around my shoulders and pulled me deeper into his side. Right before sleep took me, I felt the brief press of his lips on the top of my head. And for the first time, I didn’t want to escape to the space that held Camden. I wanted to stay in the moment. I wanted to stay with him.
twenty-three
Lennon
The hangover was real.My feet dragged underneath me as I carried myself into a booth at Wake Up Café. Abby and Carina seemed to be in worse shape than me on the other side of the table. They were both supporting their heads in their hands, dark circles encompassing their eyes with last night’s curls barely hanging on in their hair.
“Alright, I’m calling it. We’re officially too old for bars,” I groaned as the waitress poured much needed coffee for all of us and they nodded in agreement.
We sat in silence and let the grease of our food soak up the remaining alcohol in our systems. Carina seemed to perk up first. She leaned back in the booth, eyeing me from across the table. “How was the rest of your night, Lennon?” She arched a thin eyebrow at me as Abby snickered next to her.
“Yeah, did you have a good night?” The two of them together was like wrangling cats, you get one under control in time to see the other swinging from the ceiling fan.
I tore off another bite of my toast, chewing longer than needed in order to digest it. “It was good.” My shoulder lifted to my ear and came back down. It wasn’t that I was a private person, these two knew everything about me. I’d trust either one of them with my life, but I couldn’t even make sense of the relationship or lack thereof that Theo and I had, and their opinions mattered. I was protective of what Theo and I could be, and letting someone else into the little world we were creating could collapse it before it had time to flourish.
“Did you sleep with him?” Carina questioned as I choked on my food, sputtering as bits of bread flew out of my mouth and onto the table.
“Ew,” was all Abby said as I gasped for air and they were both back to laughing.
“I’m not answering that.” I could see the follow-up questions in their eyes. They brightened like I gave them a new toy. “That doesn’t mean yes,” I shot down their hopeful eyes, omission was not an admission, and they both deflated. Carina muttered in Italian. All these years as her friend, and I still had no clue what she said. But I was pretty sure that’s why she did it.
“Fine.” She said the word, but the three of us knew this was not the end of the conversation.
