And I couldn’t forget the way I would catch him looking at me from time to time. His eyes would search my face as if he was mapping every freckle and imperfection for his own record. Or the way he would brush fallen curls out of my face without a second thought. It might be an excuse to get his hands closer to me, but the sensations it would leave behind were indescribable. What I wouldn’t give to have his hands run through my curls nightly.
I shook all thoughts of Theo from my mind as I pulled up to the restaurant. “Be in the moment. You can do uncomfortable things.” I whispered to myself before getting out of the car, crossing my fingers for not having to play twenty questions with a stranger.
The door slammed against the wall as I charged back into the house. My keys and purse were tossed haphazardly onto the nearestcounter. My entire body was in flight mode, but with no way to escape myself. Everything was boiling over.
“Stupid, stupid, stupid.” The tears had been burning the back of my eyes since I all but ran out of the restaurant. Abby came flying off the couch and raced down the hall to follow me.
I kicked my shoes off, and they went flying to the opposite side of the room as I ripped my hair from the tie that had been holding it up. There was going to be a hole in the floor where I was pacing in short circles in front of my bed. Abby stood in the doorway, eyes wild as she experienced my breakdown in real time.
Torment was tearing through my veins like thick sludge. “I thought I could do it. I really did,” I said, speaking to no one and her simultaneously. It didn’t bother me that she didn’t answer. I charged forward in my one-sided conversation.
“It started out okay. He seemed nice, you know, but at some point I was telling a story and he reached across the table to touch my hand, and I froze.” The pacing stopped as I squeezed my eyes shut, willing the tears to not fall.
He really was nice and my reaction surprised us both. The second his hand brushed against mine, it was like ice was poured down my back. I yanked my hand back so fast I knocked over my water glass. Apologies spilled out of my mouth like the water that was dripping onto the floor. I asked for the check as soon as possible, then ran.
Not literally, but it was so abrupt, I barely had time to returnhis goodbyes.
My pacing resumed as I rubbed my hands up and down the tops of my thighs. My chest was tight and there was a lump forming in my throat, making it difficult to keep speaking. Abby creeped farther into the room to sit on the bed, her moves cautious and slow. In a second, it was like someone switched on the faucet and the tears came pouring out.
“I thought I was ready. I want to be ready,” I said as I pressed the palms of my hands into my eyes, as if I could physically stop the tears from falling.
“What is wrong with me, Abby?” The words escaped against my will.
Why couldn’t I just be normal?
Why did I always act like the world was ending when all I wanted was to live?
Abby stood to hug me, but I shook her off before she could get her arms around me fully. “It’s okay, Lennon.” She gently offered her affection, but I barely picked it up over the roar of my blood rushing in my ears.
“It’s not. I shouldn’t have reacted like that. I don’t know why I did. I have never responded like that any of the times Theo has touched me,” I shouted. Yelling wouldn't do me any favors, but it felt good to get out the frustration, and I didn’t miss the way her eyes widened at my revelation about Theo.
I sat on the edge of my bed, clutching the frame until it creaked under my grip. I wanted to scream or cry; anything would be better than letting this disappointment fester inside of me.
“I am dead inside. I am dead inside this house, Abby. I am a corpse living inside a fucking time capsule. He is everywhere I look, and it’s like I’m just biding my time until I can get back to him.” Everything was pouring out of me, and there was no way to stop it. Uncontrollable sobs were bubbling up out of my throat.
“And I do not want to feel like this anymore.” My voice broke as my epiphany poured into the room. I twirled my wedding ring around my finger, too ashamed to look to Abby for the comfort I was so desperate for.
Missing Camden had been all that I was for the past two years. Every waking moment had been dedicated to the void he left in our home, in my life, in my very soul. There would never be a second that passed where a piece of me did not long for him.
But there were more pieces that yearned for life again. For happiness that would breathe life back into me and I wanted it so badly that I was willing to do almost anything for it.
I loved Camden with every fiber of my being, but I needed more. I needed something bigger than what I was now.
I sucked in a shaky breath as Abby came to take her place next to me. With a low voice barely above a whisper, I continued, “I want to be excited about life again. I want to laugh with someone, I want to be loved again. I want someone to touch me and to be able to touch them without feeling guilty.”
She snaked her hand into mine and gave it a squeeze. “You can have whatever you want in life, Lennon. Do you know what you want?” My eyes panned around the room. Everything was a reminder, and it continued to open wounds that never seemed toscar. I didn’t want to forget, but why did it have to be so hard to be reminded that he’s not here?
“No… I don’t know, maybe.”
She raised her eyebrows at my statement, her expression saying, ‘I know you’re lying, want to try again?’ “Don’t think I didn’t notice that little Theo comment.” My lip pulled up a fraction in an attempt to smile.
“I can be myself around him. I can be happy with him.Hemakes me happy, and when we’re together, it just feels…“ With my head turned towards the ceiling, I searched for the words. There were so many ways to describe what it was like when I was around him.
“Easy.” I settled on.
Theo had this way about him that set me at ease. He’d been a safe space no matter what version of me he’d get. I didn’t have to put on a facade that everything was all sunshine and clear skies, but not everyone was meant to dance in therainand there was a possibility he would run at the first sign of trouble.Regardless of that fear, he brought more peace to my life than I even thought possible. “It could be more, we could be more,” I finally admitted.
Her shoulder knocked into mine. “Well, maybe you should tell him that.” A simple ‘hmm’ was all I could muster as an answer at this point.
