We ordered dinner and the rest of the evening passed in a blur filled with laughter and way too much wine for me. It wasn’t until we were about to ask for the check that I realized I hadn’t thought of Camden once. It came like a flash of lightning and caused my stomach to lurch and my mouth to run dry. Not a single thought of him; how was that even possible?
One dinner and I put him out of my mind? I was ashamed, and there was a numbness spreading through my limbs. The only thing I could focus on was the fogginess in my brain from the three too many glasses of wine.
My trance was snapped by Theo’s voice. “Did you drive yourself here?” I didn’t remember getting up to leave, but we were somehow standing in the parking lot. My phone was in my hand ready to call Abby to come pick me up.
“Don’t worry, Abby will comeget me.”
“Let me take you home,” he said as he walked towards his car. I wanted to protest the offer, but what would I tell him? That I couldn’t be around him because when I was, I lost all sense of who I had been these past two years. That my world didn’t implode on itself when he was near. That a few hours with him and I forgot all about my husband.
None of this came out, of course, as I slid into the passenger side of his car as he held the door open for me. The leather was cool on my burning skin and I realized that I was way more tipsy than I should've been. Fingers crossed the drive was quick, and I could get out of here without embarrassing myself. I gave the address as I didn’t trust myself to give correct directions while he drove, and he pulled out of the parking lot onto the street.
The music was faint as it played on the radio, and I kept the window down and let the wind rush into the car. My hair was whipping around my face as I breathed in the nighttime air. I loved this time of night when it was just after dusk and the stars started to shine. My head rested against the edge of the window as I looked up at the sky, searching for the first stars to make their appearance.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were moving back when we were in Scotland, Theo?” Yeah, I was definitely drunk. In my head he came back for me, but I knew that wouldn’t be the answer. It would be too much to hope for and it was only my wishful thinking.
He was quiet for a long time after I asked, and I was silently kicking myself for letting the words slip out at all. I glanced sideways and observed him behind the steering wheel. There was a steady rise and fall of his chest under his shirt that caught my eye. We wereonly a few streets from my house, and I was starting to think he either didn’t hear me or he was going to ignore me altogether.
After what felt like forever, he forced out a husky laugh before taking a deep breath in. “I didn’t know I was coming back. I had no plans to come back at all, actually. Then I spent two weeks with you.” His words had me on the edge of my seat as my hands gripped the door handle for support. “I knew I couldn’t go another day without seeing you. So, after you left, I asked for work to bring me back home.” He exuded confidence with his statement.
He knew what he wanted, and it was me. Or to be around me, either way his answer sent shockwaves of fear and excitement through my system.
My whole body shifted in my seat to look at him as his car turned into my driveway. My knee knocked against the center console, and a faint laugh fell from his lips and into the darkness that surrounded us. I was well aware that I was gaping at him. I was sure my mouth was hanging open and everything before I remembered to shut it.
He came back for me.The words bounced around in my head.
He came back for me, and I didn’t even have words for him. I was wracking my brain for something to say, anything would work at this point. But what would I say? 'Thank you' didn’t seem like it would be the right sentiment for this situation. Before I could find the right words, he leaned forward and brushed my cheek with the back of his hand. His thumb dragged down the side of my face and along my jawline slowly. If the electricity that coursed through me could've been seen, sparks would've been explodingaround us. He returned his hand to the steering wheel, leaving every molecule in my body in a state of want.
“I’m not here because I expect anything, Lenny. But I couldn’t live with myself if another seventeen years went by only for you to be a part of my past. So, if it’s not too much to ask, I’d just like to spend time with you, in whatever capacity you’ll have me,” he confessed, and there was a part of me that wanted to give him anything he asked for, but my fear of the unknown would always win.
“Okay,” I said with a voice that trembled. Every thought I ever had left my brain and the ringing in my ears grew so loud I was sure he could hear it as well. My tongue ran along my bottom lip absentmindedly and his eyes tracked the movement before they flicked up to meet my gaze again. We sat there a minute longer before I could get my legs to start working enough to carry me inside.
Before I climbed out of the car, I turned back to him, compelled to let him in on the war that raged inside my brain most days since Camden died. He needed the whole truth. He needed to know being around me wasn’t all sunshine and happy days. That some days, it was like I was being dragged out unwillingly into an unforgiving ocean and I was constantly working against the current to get back to shore. Sometimes the fight to get back to me again took its toll on my mind, leaving me drained of all my energy.I didn’t know if telling him for his sake or mine.
“Theo, I haven’t been the same since Camden died. Most days, I can fake my way through and pretend everything is okay. But I’ma mess. I already feel like I am too much of a burden to the people around me. I wouldn’t want to put that on you. I could definitely use another friend, but I don’t know if I can be anything other than that.” I braced myself for the blow back, where he would tell me it was nice seeing me, but had suddenly decided going back to Europe would be best for him. I was surprised when a smile broke out on his face.
“If a friend is all you have room for, then I would like to fill that spot.”
A fluttering in my chest erupted as I bit back a smile. I told him goodnight and noticed the way he waited for me to unlock the door and go inside before he started pulling out of the driveway. Anakin meowed at my feet as I made my way through the house. I scooped him up and carried him back to the bedroom and deposited him on the bed.
I could do this, another friend would be good for me. It was just that normally your friends didn’t give you butterflies and make you wish that you didn’t have to go to bed with only your cat for company.
fifteen
Lennon
The sharp ring ofmy phone pulled me out of my sleep. There was a soft pounding in my head that reminded me why two glasses of wine were my limit. The phone rang again. I cracked one eye open in time to see Charlotte’s name flashing across my screen and to see that it was nine o’clock.
Shit.
I forgot that we had plans. I picked up before she thought I was ignoring her. “Good morning, dear,” she said, sounding as chipper as ever.
“Hi Charlotte, are we still on for today?” I was slowly rousing myself out of the warmth of my bed. She was going to say yes, I already knew this, but for as long as I could remember, she always called to confirm any plans that had been made. I still hadn’t been able to get her to switch over to texting; her reasoning being you never knew when the last time you would hear someone’s voicewas, so she would take every opportunity she could find. The phone call was over in less time than it took me to answer as I rolled out of bed to start getting ready. It had taken me longer to get back to her about getting together than it should have, even though she had been so excited to hear about my trip. It was my problem; she was so happy all the time and it was exhausting. I wished for once I could act as miserable as I felt with someone.
Regret brewed in the pit of my stomach as I pulled up to the tasting room at Off the Vine winery, for more reasons than one. My head was still pounding from last night, and I had no interest in explaining to her that my solo trip had turned into two weeks with a former boyfriend. She’d be on the phone with Hallmark to sell the rights to the story faster than I could blink.
We took a seat at one of the outside tables. The patio had a view that went on for miles and allowed the warm breeze to flow around us. I sipped my wine and admired the mountains in the distance, with their fading snow-capped peaks and the vibrant green vines of the grape bushes that cascaded downhill and out of view.
I loved June, it was the perfect temperature. Warm enough for me to wear one of my most loved sundresses without issue, a deep green color with tiny white flowers that were splattered across the fabric. It fluttered in the slight breeze as I smoothed my hands down the front of my dress. Charlotte sat across from me, visibly holding back her excitement. She was dying to ask how my trip went the same way I was reluctant to tell her the truth.
