Her eyes wandered until they fell back on me. There was no use dragging out the inevitable. “Do you want to see some photosof my trip?” I asked, while opening the photo app on my phone. She clasped her hands together as she squealed out a laugh and said, “yes.” Her finger swiped back and forth on my phone as she commented on the different sites. Every little detail I came across was on my phone and she was more than content looking through the vast amount of photos I took.
“These are so beautiful, and it looks like you had a wonderful time. And how was it just being by yourself?” Her eyes flit up to me and then back down to the screen. I’m pretty sure there were none of Theo, but why did it feel like she already knew?
I scrunched the skirt of my dress between my fingers. The silky texture helps ground me to the present but doesn’t stop me from wearing a hole in the fabric.“Actually, I wasn’t alone. I ran into a friend from high school who was working there as a photographer, so I kind of tagged along with him. It was a lot of fun.” I didn’t meet her eye.
I told her about the accidental run in and time we spent going from site to site, even about the cottage that I had booked. To my surprise, she didn’t have much to say about the man I had been with, but seemed genuinely interested in the experience I had when I was there.
“So tell me about him—Theo. What’s he like? Is he kind or funny? Will you get to see him again?” Ahh, there it was. I had too much hope.
“Theo and I dated in high school, and before my trip, I hadn’t seen him in about seventeen years. It’s funny how it worked out. He is very kind and sweet and probably understands me more thanI give him credit for.” The amount of honesty that spilled out of me caught me off guard. Maybe if I said it out loud more often, I could convince myself that Theo wasn’t just some random man. That he could be someone worth my time.
The way she was looking at me had me bouncing in my seat. A small smile ghosted her lips, but her eyes were lost somewhere in the past. There was a click of her tongue and she shook the look from her eyes. “I’ll be able to see him more, as well. He took on some new work that brought him back to California, to Fairvale, actually. It could be nice,” I went on to add.
Camden’s father died when he was young, and Charlotte never remarried. I always assumed she loved him too much to move on, a sentiment I resonated with.Or at least it was, but I’m beginning to think there could be more for me and I wanted her to tell me it was okay.
“I think that’s wonderful, Lennon. You have endured a hard few years and deserve something for yourself, something that will make you happy.”
Tears pricked my eyes as she patted the back of my hand. She answered my unspoken question, and I held my breath as she told me everything I had been waiting to hear.
“You never met John, but after Camden’s father died, I lost myself completely. I wanted nothing to do with the world or this life without him in it. It was selfish, but it’s the truth. So I threw myself into the person who was still here—Camden. He was the light of my life, and I made sure that boy never knew of my sadness or the hole that seemed to be growing in my chest.” Charlottenever brought John up willingly, so my knowledge of how they were as a couple was severely limited, but as she spoke, it was like she had taken the words straight from my heart.
“There were men after my husband, some a little more involved than the others, but no one could ever compete with my John.” The wistful sound of her voice carried years of heartache. “I never loved anyone else after him.” She looked down into her lap where her fingers were laced together and stared at the dull gold band on her left hand.
“Charlotte, I—“
Before I could finish, she cut me off. “I don’t want that for you, Lennon. It’s the one regret I have in this life. I was too lost in my sorrow to find my way out of the grief, and I lost out on a part of life that everyone should have. Love is too important to not be a part of your life.”
She was right. I knew she was, but missing him was not something I could turn off and then move on. A tear escaped and ran down my cheek. “I’m afraid that if I move on, I’ll forget him. That the only thing keeping him close is my grief, and I’m not ready to let it go yet.”
“Honey, you could never forget him. I can promise you that. Whether you heal from this hurt on your own or you have the love and support of someone new, Camden will always be a part of you.”
We finished the rest of our tasting with fewer tears and a newfound lightness in my chest. On the drive back home, I made a promise to myself to allow myself the space to grieve Camden butto remain open to the possibility of a future. The sun was setting over the river as I pulled into my neighborhood, and I thought of Theo.
The universe brings people together every day for a million different reasons. Maybe he was brought back to prove that I was ready to fully heal. Lord knows I could use the help.
sixteen
Lennon
My foot tapped onthe hardwood floor as I waited to be called back. It had been a while since I’d gone to an in-person therapy session. I noted the new plants in the corner trying to give the office space a more homey feel. I didn’t think it was doing quite what it was supposed to do; there was still a sterileness to the space.
The door creaked open, and Dr. Audrina Williams poked her head out, her glasses pushed back in her gray hair, her face kind and welcoming. “Hi, Lennon. Come on back.” I picked up my phone and followed her into her office.
I took my place on the soft beige couch, where the sunlight was trailing through the windows. My eyes tracked specks of dust that were floating around. I’d been seeing Dr. Williams for years. Just before Camden and I got married, I sought out counseling after spending more time agonizing over masking my anxiety than working through it. After Camden died, I spent more time in heroffice than I did in all the prior years combined, and with her help, I put in the work and made it to the other side.
“How have you been Lennon? It’s been a while since I’ve seen you.” I blinked and switched my gaze over to her. She sat back in her chair with a notebook balanced on her knee. I’d always been curious about what she scribbled down in these sessions. I slid my hands down the front of my jeans and onto my knees, my shoulders lifting up. “I’ve been good. I, uh, went on a trip a few months ago. That was great.” She smiled kindly back at me. “Where did you go?”
“Scotland.”
Her glasses were back in place, and she peered at me over them. “Is this the trip you had planned with Camden for your anniversary?” I nodded.
“And how was it for you to do this on your own?”
We were getting right into this today, I guess. I rubbed my lips together as she stared back at me. What I liked most about her was she didn’t push. She just waited.
“It was nerve-wracking at first. I hadn’t been so far from home before, let alone on my own, but once I got there, I knew I was exactly where I needed to be. It was beautiful and everything I hoped it would be.”
“And I wasn’t alone, exactly. I met someone while I was there.” Her face didn’t move, but looked down to write something in the notebook.
