The way he held her, cradled on his lap, tucked into his arms like he was holding his whole world, had her wondering if his words had a double meaning, like maybe everything he needed was right there, on his lap.
But she could relate to what he was saying. After she’d arrived in Portland, she’d created a new version of herself, as well. Decimating the weak, powerless girl she’d been when she arrived had been her only objective. There wasn’t much left from the old version of her that anyone would recognize.
There would always be something left, though. The past was never completely gone. She knew that better than anyone. And it never would be until there was an opportunity to let go of it. Sometimes the opportunity landed in front of you, and other times you had to create the opportunity yourself. Her whole friend with benefits endeavor had been about exactly that—confronting remnants of the past that haunted her. Maybe Sean needed to do the same.
“You should see him,” she announced. “Make peace with it, with him. Close the circle and move on.” There wasn’t any reason for him to live in regret and shame if he didn’t have to.
“Maybe,” he murmured half-heartedly, his eyes closing, and she read between his words. It wouldn’t be that easy. Facing ghosts never was. She was still working on it herself, wasn’t she?
Ivy brushed her fingertips over his closed eyes, enjoying the silky softness of his eyelashes under her touch. When he opened them again, his pupils were dilated. Dark and deep, telling her he was done talking for the night. And, quite frankly, so was she.
CHAPTEREIGHTEEN
Sean had revealed a big piece of himself, and it had clearly cost him. Sitting this close, Ivy noticed the exhaustion etched in the fine lines at the sides of his eyes. For maybe the first time since she’d known him, he looked tired. It was a vulnerability she had never seen in him before.
Going off instinct, she leaned in, brushing her lips against his, then continued to hold them close so that when she whispered, her words breathed right into him. “I’ve got you.”This time, I’ve got you.
There was no hesitation in his response. It was knee-jerk. His hands combed through her hair, gripping her skull, angling her closer. His lips latched onto hers and drank everything she was offering. Mouths opened, tongues twisted, his arms tightening around her, drawing her inward. There was a strength and dominance to his movements that hadn’t been there the last time, like for a moment he’d forgotten she was the cracked and fragile glass that needed gentle handling. And she was there for it.
Knowing that he needed this from her as a means of comfort and not a power play, as a gift and not a conquest, was incredibly empowering. She’d never imagined sex could be like this, not even before the assault. When she was with Sean, he wasn’t shy about expressing his desire and his need, and she knew it came from a place beyond the physical.
He cared for her. Deeply. She sensed it right down to her soul. The realization had her jolting back. His eyes had gone opaque, his breath uneven.
“You okay?” he asked, and she could visibly see him scrambling for control between hard inhales.
Was she? She had no idea. The lines between them were blurring at lightning speed, and she had no idea what to do. Her broken bits were still broken. Her soul damaged and tainted. He deserved so much more than that. She wanted more than that for him.
Ivy breathed, or tried to, but her heart was hammering in her chest, and her mind was reeling. Breathe, focus. Stay in the moment. All the things he’d taught her. All the things she held on to like a lifeline. She clung to them now and thought about her next move.
What if she could be the woman he deserved? Could give him the thing she knew he was hungry for? The one terrifying thing she’d never be able to give anyone else. No one but him. And she’d give it freely, because she trusted him.
“I want you to take control tonight.” She said the words even as her lips trembled. “Whatever you want.” Her stomach knotted, tightening painfully.
He wouldn’t hurt her. He’d never hurt her. She knew it, felt it. Still…
“Ivy, you don’t have to—” Sean tipped her face up so he could meet her gaze. His eyes were earnest when he told her, “That’s not how it works.”
“I want to do this,” she insisted. “For you.”
Breathe.She told herself.Just keep breathing, and you’ll be fine.
His eyes warmed. The look of sympathy filling them was so genuine she almost couldn’t stand it. She couldn’t take his pity, not after everything.
“I mean it, Sean. Tonight, it’s whatever you want. Don’t argue with me.”
She thought he’d put up a fuss. Had fully expected him to. He’d been so damned gentle with her, she had started to feel like glass. Tonight she wanted to show him she could be normal in bed and not choke.
But he surprised her when he nodded, stroking a hand down her arm, then up her side, over the swell of her breast, and playing across the nipple, which came to full attention at the contact.
Before she knew what was happening, he was moving, lifting her up as he got off the couch.
“Wrap your legs around me,” he told her, and the tone of his voice made her body obey instantly.
She locked her legs around his solid trunk of a waist, and he turned, moving toward his bedroom. The room was dark, and she couldn’t see much, which was why she let out a little yelp when he dropped her on the mattress.
“Don’t move,” he commanded, his voice moving farther into the room.
At the loss of physical contact, and in the darkness of the room, Ivy started to slip away, to another dark room, to another dark night. A shiver started to tremble through her body, starting in her hands and moving inward, and she scrambled to find her focus.
