His father was a working man, but his lack of education, among other things, stunted his ability to pull his family completely out of the cycle of poverty. Nevertheless, he’d worked hard enough that his children were provided with more opportunities than others had. She knew that because Sean often talked about the dojo his dad used to take him to after school. It was where he’d first gotten a taste of the martial arts.
But she was only realizing now how little she knew about his life before Portland, or the impact it had.
“I had a knack for school and was blessed because my family saw it early and tried to protect me from losing focus or dropping out like so many did. Keeping me on the right track became the priority, even for Jordan. He didn’t let me hang out with him and his friends.” Sean snorted a mirthless laugh. “He was an ass about it most of the time, but I learned pretty quickly that he’d been doing me a favor.” Sean played with her hair, tugging softly as he wrapped the strands through his fingers.
Ivy leaned into the sensation.
“For the most part, I didn’t know what he and his friends were up to, or I turned a blind eye when it was clear some of their activities were less than above board. I never joined them, was never asked to. But then Mom got sick she couldn’t work, and the medical bills started piling up. Dad was long gone. My part-time jobs weren’t making much of a dent. Jordan sometimes brought money home, and we used it, not asking too many questions about where it came from. But soon we needed more. Things were getting worse; time was running out.”
His body grew tense the more he spoke, muscles tightening under her, his skin growing colder. Ivy rubbed her hands over his shoulders, down his arms, and cuddled into his chest more deeply. He drew her in, dropped a kiss onto the top of her head, and lay his cheek against her hair. Time passed—enough of it that Ivy thought maybe he was done with the story.
Then he started talking again, his rumbling voice breaking the silence around them. “His money didn’t come in as steady as mine, but when he brought cash home, it was a lot more than I could make in two weeks at the pizza place I was working at. I remember seeing the wads of bills come home and not even questioning what he did to get it. We needed that money.” Sean inhaled deeply, his nose to her hair. “God, you smell good. Like honey and roses.”
“New shampoo,” she whispered, her body responding to the way his breath tickled her cheek and neck.
“Nah. You’ve always smelled like this. So sweet.” He inhaled again and hugged her closer. “Tell me if I’m crushing you.”
In response, she sank into his grip, wanting nothing more than to crawl inside him and embrace his heart.
“One night, a deal went south. Jordan got arrested and ended up in prison.” His words were muffled against her hair.
“Oh, Sean.” She tried to imagine what it must have been like for him as a young man. He’d lost his father, his mother was dying, and then his brother got taken away. There was nothing to say, so she simply held on to him, so grateful, and humbled that he was confiding this to her.
“The funny thing is,” he went on, not laughing at all, “it was all for nothing. Mom died two weeks later.”
Ivy’s heart bottomed out at the quiet statement. She’d known there wouldn’t be a happily-ever-after ending, but this one seemed cruel.
“When Jordan was in, I never went to see him. I just—didn’t. Not even after Mom died. I sent a message through the prison to let him know.” Sean sighed, and it was a weighted sound. “Now he’s out, parole done, and all he wants is to see me.”
Shame. She could hear it lace every word he spoke. It was a brutal thing. She’d been paralyzed by it before, in many ways she still was, and knowing that Sean shared an understanding of that was both comforting and heartbreaking in one.
Ivy pulled back, locking eyes. She cradled the side of his face with her hand, stroking the rough stubble on his cheek. She’d never seen him look anything other than calm and at ease. But lately, with her, he’d let more slip through the veneer, revealing more of himself. He was letting her see his vulnerability, his shame, his regret, his guilt. And it wasn’t a gift she took lightly.
“He made those choices himself, Sean. No one forced him. He knew the consequences; they were worth it for him.”
He said nothing to that.
So she stroked her thumb along the soft skin beneath his eye. “Do you want to see him?”
“Yes.” There was no hesitation in the word. “But it feels complicated. Like too much time has passed. And I have this great life here. I’ve changed myself so much. I don’t think he’d even recognize me as the brother he once knew.”
“How so?” She couldn’t imagine he was that different.
Sean was smart, strong, resilient at his core. She hadn’t known him back in his Chicago days, but she couldn’t believe his foundation had changed.
“Ivy, here in Portland, people know me as the easy-going, relaxed dude, who doesn’t let much phase him. I might be a hard-ass in the gym, but outside, I’m everyone’s friend. Mr. Nice Guy. But back when I was younger, that wasn’t me.”
Silence begged the question. “Who were you?”
“I was dark and quiet. Hopeless. I saw no way out, even though my parents always told me I was smart enough for college, that I would make something of myself. I still felt trapped. There was nothing to look forward to in that life. No joy, if that makes sense. And everyone kept dying. Fuck, it was awful. Knowing that you were going to be all alone. I was a moody bastard because of it.”
A few weeks ago, Ivy would have been surprised by that description of him. Moody and sullen weren’t aspects of his personality she’d ever seen before. But over the last few weeks, she’d seen it all. She’d seen it after she’d propositioned him and he’d said no. When she went out with another man. When their friendship had been tested like it never had before. Hopelessness. Moodiness. Frustration.
Was that the trigger? When he couldn’t see the way forward? When he thought he was losing the people he cared about?
Slowly, the man that was truly Sean Thompson started to take shape in her mind.
“I came here and pretended to be a whole new person. I created a whole new persona and left all of that shit behind. My parents dying, my brother rotting in a jail cell. I left it like it had never existed, and I started fresh. Happy. Optimistic. The trainer who motivated people to do better and be better, and I became the image I was selling. Truly, I became it. It’s not fake, Ivy. I am happy here. I found everything I could ever need right here.”
