The silence was filled with the muffled sound of Jae retching in the bathroom.
My mind was a dangerous wasteland of IEDs. Dredging up all those memories had me on edge. I wasn’t sure if my heart was ever going to beat normally again and the fear of what was going to happen next had me near hyperventilation. I contemplated excusing myself to some other bathroom in the house to try and bleed out the feelings.Or just fighting Enoch for the backpack and making it out of the house so I could finish what I’d started.
Enoch moved, crossing the room and kneeling between my legs. He placed his hands on my thighs, and it didn’t escape my notice that they were shaking slightly.
He quickly swiped a tear from his cheek and took a deep breath. I braced myself for the heartache. For the goodbye. For the end.
I resisted the self-preserving, cowardly urge to run away.I needed to hear what he had to say. Needed to destroy any hope of preserving the only part of Enoch I was deserving of, the imaginary version of him in my head.
“I remember now. Remember you asking me if a murderer would get to go to heaven. I…” he paused to clear his throat. “I never in a million years would have thought you were asking because of the guilt you felt yourself.”
I swallowed, my heart racing.Just get it over with, dammit.Fucking say it. Say it!
“Youhaveto know that you’re not at fault here. You were forced to do all of that. In the eyes of the law and I’m certain inthe eyes of God, you aren’t to blame. You did what you had to do to survive, Shiloh.”
I shook my head, his reasoning unreliable.
“I still killed him. I still took someone’s life. I could’ve chosen to take my own life. But I didn’t. I was selfish and didn’t want to die.”
“And I’m glad that you didn’t,” he said through more tears, firmly squeezing my thighs. “I’m glad that you’re here now. I’m glad that your heart is still beating, that you’re safe. And I’m proud that I get to be the one who knows how fucking strong you are.”
My chest ached and I ground my teeth together. Maybe it just wasn’t sinking in yet.
Why can't he just make this a clean break? Am I just destined to suffer over and over again? Is this part of my punishment?
“You don’t mean that,” I whispered on choked breath.
“I do. I do, dammit.”
I closed my eyes against the burning of forming tears and shook my head. Enoch’s hands cradled my face.
“Shiloh, look at me.” He waited until I opened my eyes and captured my stare. “You’re not irredeemable. Not to me. Not to God. I don’t need to know every decision you’ve ever made to know what’s in your heart. I know you. Maybe not every single thing about you. But I know that at your core you are good. You are agoodperson regardless of whatever you were forced to do.” His thumb brushed my cheek, sending a shiver down my spine. “You are good, Shiloh. And I’ll say it for the rest of eternity, as long as it takes for you to believe it.”
Impossible. This isn’t real. He isn’t real. I’m dreaming. This is a fucked-up nightmare. Or I’ve died and accidentally gone to heaven instead of hell.
He huffed a sigh and reached to grab my wrists from my waist. He unfurled my clenched fists, turning my palms upwards to reveal the angry, bloody half-moons I’d made. He leaned forward, pressing his lips in a soft kiss against the stinging marks.
My heart skipped a beat and the urge to cry was overwhelming. I wasn’t worthy of his comfort, yet I craved it like a drug. Craved the feeling of being loved, for just a moment.
“You don’t deserve to keep punishing yourself,” he said, his breath skating over the burning marks on my palm.
The sound of footsteps entering the room had both of our gazes locked on Jae. His face was ashen and he held the wall like he might pass out.
“I made a mistake,” he rasped. “Please. Shiloh. Just forget everything I said, okay? I was a dick. I was mad for all the wrong reasons. I shouldn’t have said those things to you. I didn’t even mean half the shit I said. I let my own guilt and anger cloud my judgement and I wanted you to be the scapegoat. Ugh, I feel like shit for what I said to you. Please, please, please, forgive me. I didn’t…I’m so fucking sorry.Please.”
Jae’s eyes shined with fresh tears, and I could see the genuine remorse in his eyes. I looked between the two of them, mouth parted with shock.
“You fuckers are insane, you know that?” I laughed in disbelief, trying to force my own tears back. This wasn’t how things were supposed to go. “I tell you Ikilledsomeone andyouapologize?”
Jae winced, placing a hand on his stomach. “Please. Can we stop talking about…” He shuddered. “A drill? Through his toe—” he cut himself off, covering his mouth as he gagged. “No, I need something happy.Weneed something happy. Now.If I need those images out of my head, I can only fucking imagine how badlyyouneed them out of your head, Shiloh.”
Jae stalked over with determination and joined Enoch on the floor, one arm over Enoch’s shoulder the other around my waist.
He leaned his head on Enoch’s arm, letting out a groan.
“Please. Someone say something happy. Nox?”
Enoch let out a watery laugh, squeezing my hand in his.
