Hell, I hadn’t relived that moment in so long. The sound of his voice was like a knife to the chest. I missed him.
“Javi was framed by someone else in the gang who wanted my brother’s position. But Carlos didn't believe my brother when he told him that he didn’t do it.Ididn’t believe my brother. And I watched him take his last breath.” I wanted to stop talking, take it all back, but my mouth wouldn’t shut. “Watched him beg me to fight my way out of Granby. He couldn’t even finish saying he loved me. The bullet went through his skull, and I was forced to stay there, lying in a puddle of his blood and—” I cut myself off, not wanting to relive that moment.
They didn’t need every secret. They didn’t need them all.
I opened my eyes when the silence dragged on for too long.
“So,” Enoch muttered, staring at his hands, “when you told me that you had been there when your brother died. He hadn’t shot himself. He’d been…murdered.”
“Yes,” I whispered.
Jae looked between the two of us. “Why didn’t you go to the police?”
I shook my head, trying to gain an ounce of patience, but I couldn’t rein in my frustration. “The gang owns the police. They own the whole fucking state. The whole fucking Southwest for fuck’s sake. I had nowhere,nowhereto go. I was given a choice: die or cooperate. And if I didn’t, someone else would take my place to fulfill the life debt. I didn’t—” my breath caught in my throat, a lump forming. “I didn’twantto do any of it. I had to get high out of my mind so that I wasn’t conscious while they raped me.” The rage flared in my chest as I glared at Jae, a look of horror on his now pale face.
“I came to that sleepover because I knew if I didn’t, I was going to kill myself that night.” Jae shook his head like he could stop me, but it was too late. He wanted to know, and I couldn’t close the dam after holding back the waters for years. “I didn’t want to live with myself. I had given myself up to the very people that had murdered my brother. I was disgusted with myself that I let them—” I sucked in a breath, my thoughts racing. “I thought if I agreed to join, I’d be saving someone else from living out the hell I was. They were going to force a little kid to take my place. I didn’t know that they were going to make me kill someone too. I didn’tknow. Iswear. I didn’t know the cost of choosing to survive. Or I would have let them shoot me instead.”
“Fuck,” Enoch gritted out. I glanced at him long enough to see how jaw was locked with tension, tears tracking his cheeks.
“That’s insane, Shiloh! That doesn’t mean you had to kill anyone!” Jae shouted, looking between me and Enoch. “Youcould have told us. Could’ve told me and Nox. Didn’t you trustus?”
“Of course I trusted you! Why the fuck do you think I went to his house after being raped for hours? Why the fuck do you think I let myself become close to you both and fucking fall in love with Enoch?!”
“Then why didn’t you say anything? We could have helped you!” Jae said, standing up from the couch, his chest rising and falling quickly.
“Because I didn’t want you to get killed!” I screamed back, rising to stand toe to toe with him. I took a shaky breath, trying to keep myself grounded with the biting pain in my palms. “I wasn’t going to risk your whole family getting killed. Murder meansnothingto them. If you posed a threat, your days were numbered, and me seeking help…that was a big fucking threat to them. They would’ve silenced anyone I went to for help. His dad’s a fucking cop! A fucking cop! I didn’t know Dan wasn’t in the gang’s pocket, but even if I did, if they found out who I was spending time with…”
I swallowed the scream in my throat, squeezing my eyes shut.Adrian. Hell, that fucking manipulative piece of shit.
“So, you just pretended like everything was fine?” Jae asked. The anger was still there on his face and something like disgust twisted the corner of his mouth. “You just did what they said and never tried to get help?”
“I wanted to tell you the truth,” I said softly, watching as he dropped back down to sit on the couch. I looked to Enoch who was still silently crying, looking absolutely horrified, like I’d just admitted to murdering his whole family. I let my shaky legs take me back to the stool.
“I wanted to tell you the truth so fucking badly, and I was going to after the…rape. But they came without warning to get me for the rest of the initiation, drugged meagain, andnext thing I knew I was at some warehouse being pulled into some dark hole of a room. Two men were there, sacks over their heads, hogtied. Had been in there for some time, tortured for God-knows-how-long.” I squeezed my eyes shut against the memories. “One of them was lying in his own piss and blood. They’d drilled holes where his toenails would have been—”
“I can’t,” Jae mutter, my eyes peeling open to look at him. He was holding up a hand like he could unhear what I’d spoken, but I couldn’t stop, couldn’t move my eyes away from his tear-filled ones as the rest came spilling out.
“I didn’t know who he was, why he was there, if he had a family, if he was innocent…But I was taking too long with my moral debate, so they sawed off his finger with a pocketknife.” I winced against the sound of the blood spurting out and his muffled screams that filled my head. “The man…he was begging me. He wasbegging.”
“Fuck,” Enoch muttered from behind his fist.
I let my stare penetrate his, as if he might understand why I had to kill him. “He-he wanted it to end. They’d already killed the other man and…And still, I couldn’t move, couldn’t pull the trigger. Carlos had to help me hold up the gun. And I-I just wanted it to be over. I just wanted it to end…”
Enoch held my stare, more tears streaming down his face.
“Good girl.”
I dug my nails deeper.
“How does justice feel, Shiloh?”
“After what I’d done…after I’d murdered someone, there was no way out. And I thought…I thought that if I just survived a little bit longer…And then the FBI promised to help me get out if I agreed to testify…”
“Jesus Christ,” Enoch whispered, his brown eyes filled with pity as he stared up at me. “Shiloh, I’m…Fucking hell. I can’t…” He trailed off, his voicing cracking.
“Nothing turned out how I intended, but I finally did it. I finally escaped. And I kept you all safe. One of the only things I’m proud of.”
“I need a minute,” Jae said shakily, heading for the Enoch’s bedroom.
