“And you don’t want that?”
“No, it’s…I know I sound like a selfish prick, and I love that they care about me, that they’re not mad at me or holding it against me, but I can’t handle the invasion into my privacy.”
Rick tipped his head to the side. “Privacy?”
I scrubbed a hand down my face.
“Yes. It’s like I’m no longer afforded the right to have a private life or not share every detail of my life with them.”
“What exactly is it that you want to hide? They don’t live in town, so how exactly are they going to be invading your privacy?”
“For starters, they know I’m dating someone.”
“Dating?!” Rick balked, slapping me on the back. “When the hell did that happen?”
I sighed heavily, dropping my head back as I looked up into the cloudy blue sky.
“Six weeks ago-ish.”
“Six weeks!”
I gave Rick a smile, trying to dampen the guilt. “Yeah. It’s…new.”
“And you didn’t think I’d wanna know about this. This is a big deal. You’ve not had a relationship, as far as I’m aware of, since getting sober. Relationships can be beautiful, but they can also be stressful and triggering. Why didn’t you tell me?”
I focused on my hands in my lap as I shrugged. “It’s…complicated.”
“Well, uncomplicate it. Sobriety and complicated don’t fucking mix well, Nox.” Rick shook his head in my periphery, and I could hear the disappointment in his voice. “You know, in the four months that I’ve known you, you’ve not once reached outneedingto go to a meeting until…sixweeks ago. This new relationship have anything to do with how much you’ve been struggling lately?”
Fucking hell. Of course he’d call me out. Of course he’d assume the worst. Of fucking course. And it wasn’t like I could deny the fact that Shiloh had triggered me in a way that had impacted my sobriety, but how could I explain to him that I wasn’t at risk of relapsing because ofherbut rather because of the things that had happened to her.
“Shit,” he suddenly muttered. “It’s your ex isn’t it. That’s who you’re seeing? The one who had you nearly catatonic. I talked to Jae about what happened at the work event. That wasn’t just some run-in with your ex-girlfriend, Nox. That was a-whole-nother level. Some type of shit that doesn’t sound healthy and clearly is impacting your sobriety.”
My shoulders caved as I slouched further into the bench.
“Nox?” he pressed after I remained silent.
“What do you want me to say? Yes, I’m dating my ex. Yes, my life has been more stressful since she’s come back into my life, but it’s been good. It’s been good stress. Sh-Emoryisn’tthe problem here. It’s me. Okay? That whole shit-show at work wasn’t what it looked like.”
“Really? ‘Cause it looks like you’re hiding a relationship because you know that it’s toxic and don’t want to anyone to call you out on your shit.”
I pursed my lips, frustrated to hell that this was where the conversation had landed.
“She’s not toxic,” I ground out. “My sobriety ismyproblem. Not hers. She’s the biggest motivator in my life to remain sober. I’ve been struggling lately because of my own feelings, nothing to do with our relationship and everything to do with my guilt.”
“Your guilt?” he asked softly.
“Yes. Emory and I met our senior year in high school.” I took a breath, spinning our story in the truest form without revealing too much. “I knew she was struggling with things at home, but I didn’t realize things were so bad until it was too late. I woke up one day to a voicemail.” I had to swallow around the building lump in my throat. “She left. Ran away. Just like that she was gone…no contact, no trace of her. We assumed that she was dead.”
Rick let out a heavy sigh and I pressed on. “And then six weeks ago I’m at a work event and she’s justthere.Here.In Anchorage.Alive.”
I blinked away the emotion in my eyes and focused on the ripples the wind was causing on the water.
“And then I found out the hell that she’s been through. I mean, serioushellshe’s survived and the guilt, the guilt was almost too much to handle. I didn’t realize how badly she was suffering and I let her slip away only for her to suffer even greater. And that’s why I’ve had a few almost-lapses. It’s not her, or our relationship now, it’s the knowledge and the weight of her past that I’ve been struggling to bear. But I’m not leaving her again. God reunited us for a reason, and this is our chanceto finally have the happy ending we both wanted all those years ago.”
Rick squeezed my shoulder, and I glanced over at him. He gave me a sad smile.
“I’m happy, honestly, Rick. I’m so fucking happy it’s obnoxious. I’m not going to relapse, Emory isn’t threatening my sobriety, and the only reason I’ve not mentioned our relationship is because I know that most people would never understand it.”
