“Okay,” he said with a firm nod. He released my shoulder, dropping his arm back to the bench before speaking again. “Does she know about your sobriety?”
“Yes. She knows, and when she found out she made a big fuss over not wanting to burden me or make me relapse. But my journey with getting sober has turned out to be a good thing. I mean, not that I’m proud of being a recovering alcoholic or anything, but my experience has actually helped her,ishelping her.”
“She’s an alcoholic too?”
“No. Not exactly.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Rick asked with uncertainty.
“It means she’s not an alcoholic, but she’s got a behavioral addiction.”
“Sex? Gambling?”
I shook my head, “No. Hurting herself. It’s not like there’s a Cutter’s Anonymous support group…so I’ve been helping her. She sees a therapist too, but I’ve been there to hold her accountable.”
“That’s a lot to shoulder.”
I shrugged. “Nothing in comparison to the weight that she carries. I’m more than happy to help her, I mean, really, it’s the bare minimum I could be doing. What she’s dealing with…”I trailed of, closing my eyes briefly. “She’s convinced herself, with the help of a seriously fucked-up ex, that she’s undeserving of being loved and that her past needs to be held against her forever. That she needs to be punished for actions that were frankly completely out of her control but she still blames herself for.”
Rick hummed in acknowledgement. “And you’re sure you want that? Sure that this is the right time to be in a relationship with her?”
I sat up on the bench. “What are trying to say?”
“I’m saying that you don’t have to be the one to carry that burden. Are you doing this out of the guilt you feel for what didn’t happen in the past? I understand that you want to be there for her, but I don’t want you neglecting your own issues because you’re prioritizing hers.”
I shook my head, the truth in his words stinging more than a little.
“I may feel guilty, but that’s not the reason we’re together. She’s not a burden. I’m well aware that there are plenty of other women that don’t have the issues that Emory does, but I don’t want them. I love her. And she’s it for me. I know it…it’s a damn fact, written in stone, we were always meant to end up together. Yeah, right now it’s tough, but I know that it won’t always be.”
My words were met with silence until Rick finally spoke. “You say that you’re meant to end up together, but have you thought about the fact that maybe the timing is off? Maybe she needs the space and time to work through her problems, work on her addiction to self-harming. Without the stress of being in a serious relationship. If you’re meant to be together, then taking space right now shouldn’t be a problem. Space for the both of you to be ready to be in this relationship.”
Just the mere thought of breaking up with Shiloh had me sweating and my heart pounding. “No.” I said, my hand curlinginto a fist on my lap. “That’s not the solution here. She doesn’t need space, that’s what got us into this situation in the first place. She needs her family. And that’s me and Jae. She doesn’t have anyone else and I’m not going to abandon her when she needs us the most.”
Rick sighed, bobbing his head. “Well, I appreciate you finally being honest with me. And I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t tell me what was going on. I hope you know that I’m always here to listen. It’s not in my job description as your sponsor to judge you or your actions. I might not agree with them, and you know I’m not one to sugarcoat things for you, but I’d never judge you or hold a grudge or anything like that.”
“Yeah,” I said on an exhale. “I know.”
Rick slapped my shoulder. “One year on Wednesday. How you feeling?”
I mirrored his smile. “Good. A little proud. And a little anxious maybe, I dunno. I just think it’s a little bit intimidating having that much time under my belt and thinking about if I were to relapse, I’d have to start all over again.”
Rick nodded, “I understand that. It’s tricky thinking about how far you feel like you would fall if you relapsed . But try to focus on the fact that you haven’t relapsed. The longer you’re sober, the more confidence in yourself you gain in knowing that you’d be able to handle whatever life throws your way without relapsing.”
My mouth twisted with doubt, but I nodded anyway.
“You’re doing good, son. I’m proud of you.”
I bit back the smile as his words stirred warmth in my chest. “Thanks, Rick. I’m really glad you’re my sponsor.”
Rick rolled his eyes and withdrew his hand from my shoulder. “Anything else you want to get off your chest?”
I blew out a long breath before shaking my head, “Nah. I’m good now. No more confessions.”
Rick chuckled and nodded. “Alright. I’ll drop you at your car.”
Thirty-Nine
August 5, Wednesday
