“You can.”
But what’s that gonna do?
Dr. Bernard is back between my legs.
“Raya, you’re gonna feel some pressure and some pulling. Try to relax.”
I nod.
Then a big glob of red comes out, and I almost gag. Then the nurse comes and starts boxing my fucking stomach.
They say childbirth is a beautiful thing, but I haven’t seen it yet. It’s been gross, annoying, intrusive, and disappointing in every way.
And of course Cameron Diaz got the fucking guy. Julia, you red-headed bitch. You disappointed me, too.
“I just stitched you up,” Dr. Bernard announces. “You tore some, but it’s not too bad.”
“Okay. Thank you,” I say awkwardly.
“Mom? Do you want to try breastfeeding?”
I hesitate. “Right now?”
“Yes. He’s rooting.”
I look down at him and see what she means.
“Okay.”
Because that just makes practical sense, I think. Formula’s expensive as hell. In this economy, why wouldn’t I tap into a free food source?
The nurse helps me get him latched on.
“There’s not gonna be milk at first, but it’s still good that he latched on. He can get the colostrum. Very healthy for the baby.”
“Great.”
My skin’s crawling. I don’t know what it is, but this feels weird. My brain is screaming at me to get this thing off me, but I hold him tighter instead. I can’t let the intrusive thoughts win. I can push through this. That’s what I’m supposed to do.
I smile when Ace comes back in with my aunt, because that’s also what I’m supposed to do.
“How are you feeling?” she asks me. “Oh my God, he’s beautiful.”
Fine, thanks.
“What’s his name?”
I look up at Ace. “What do you think?”
“Remember, we said Arlo for a boy and Amber for a girl.”
I don’t remember at all, but I nod. “Arlo is fine.”
It sounds weird to me, like when you say a word too many times and it doesn’t sound like a word anymore. But it’s fine. I don’t care one way or the other.
I don’t know what it is about seeing Ace carrying that damn car seat, but damn. I wanna climb him right now.
I can’t, though. Dr. Bernard said I have to wait six weeks, and now that the epidural is gone, I’m acutely aware of just how much damage the fucking baby did on his way out. That little motherfucker wreaked havoc on my coochie. And I’m cramping like it’s the first day of my period and bleeding into an adult diaper.
