“I’m sorry,” Iyla said, placing a comforting hand on my arm. “Are you okay?”
I plastered on a megawatt smile and quickly tried to hide any lingering pain. These girls were trying to include me in their group right now, and if I unloaded my issues on them, they’d regret my company in a heartbeat. Who’d want a negative person like me ruining their night of fun?
“Oh, I’m great. Sorry. Please ignore me. I wasn’t trying to bring the mood down.”
“Girl, don’t apologize,” Addie quickly said. “Whatever you’re feeling is totally valid, and you’re more than welcome to tell us whatever you’re comfortable with. If you’d rather not talk about it, that’s fine, too. Whatever you need.”
“Absolutely!” Nahla agreed. “That’s what girlfriends are for.”
My gaze bounced between the group. Each girl offered me genuine reassurances that my problem was welcome here. I’d never had anyone say it was okay to be vulnerable or to unload my burdens. Yet these four did so without a moment’s hesitation. It didn’t matter that, other than Addie, we were practically strangers. They were willing to listen if I was open to talking.
That mere fact alone had warmth blooming in my chest and a heaviness I constantly carried lifting from my shoulders. “Thankyou, guys. Honestly, I’m nervous about being here without Bradley. I’m kinda figuring out how to spread my wings for the first time in my life.”
Iyla looped her arm through mine and gave me a wistful smile. “I completely understand that feeling. Thankfully, you have the perfect people here to help with that. Trust me.”
Iyla passed a pointed look between Nahla and Addie, who smirked mischievously and notched their chins higher, clearly knowing that Iyla referred to them.
“First order of business,” Addie chirped. “Shots!”
Our little group of girls made our way to the bar. Addie ordered shots for each of us, and when we had a white tea shot in hand, Addie held hers high and beamed at me. “To Serenity and her single hot girl moment!”
The other girls hollered their agreement, and I laughed. We clinked glasses and threw back the drink. Iyla and I mirrored each other, shaking and sputtering after the drink while Addie, Nahla, and Iseul downed it like champs.
While the girls ordered another round, I leaned in to Iyla and announced, “I’m going to the restroom really quickly. I’ll be right back.”
I slinked through the crowd toward the glowing bathroom signs. I was floating on this positive cloud, thanks to the influence of this new group I’d found myself in. When I saw a laughing, stumbling couple emerging from the hallway that led to the bathrooms, that cloud dispersed in a cold explosion.
Knots unfurled in my gut as Courtney and John, two of Bradley’s friends, spotted me. My limbs locked up under the weight of their amused stares, and I slowed my approach.
“Oh, you feel that, Court?” John laughed as he leaned toward his girlfriend, all while his eyes stayed locked on mine. “The ground is shaking like something big is coming this way.”
Courtney snorted around her laugh and hid behind her fingers. “Probably a big, fat hippo.”
“Nah.” John shook his head and scrunched his nose as he drew closer. “I’d say it’s more like an ugly elephant.”
“Yeah,” Courtney agreed as the two stood right in front of me. Courtney leaned in close to my face, the smell of alcohol wafting off her red-painted lips as she giggled, “Because even though you slap some make-up on a pig, it’sstilla pig underneath all of that.”
Acid burned through my insides as the two laughed in their shared mockery. They slipped past me, while I remained rooted in place, staring at where they’d just been. My body began to shake, and I couldn’t seem to swallow past the tight lump in my throat. I looked down at the dress I’d worn, reflecting on all the work I’d put into looking good tonight.
What little confidence I’d been trying to build demolished under the weight of their words, and I barely managed to get into a bathroom stall before the tears started to well in my eyes. I tilted my head back and fanned at my eyes to keep the tears from seeping out. I’d built so many defenses against Bradley’s friends and their nastiness, yet the past week had left me emotionally raw. Their insults managed to get through my armor, and now the self-conscious insecurities and loathing I harbored for myself beat down on me until I could only think one thing.
They were right.
I was an idiot for thinking I could be more than what I was. I was stupid for believing Dante’s attention meant I was somehow beautiful.
I wasn’t sure how long I stayed in the bathroom, pushing down the burn of tears and self-depricating thoughts. I moved to the mirror and stared at my reflection until the threat of tears was gone and I was able to put on a believable smile. My issueswith old bullies and ever-present insecurities wouldn’t ruin the night for everyone else.
When I finally returned to the main room of the club, the girls were right where I’d left them at the bar, waiting on my return to take the second round of shots. I happily accepted this one, hoping the fire of the alcohol would burn away the lingering pain inside, too.
Our little group wove our way back through the crowd to the dance floor. With drinks now in my system, I waited for the ability to loosen up and let go. Though, no amount of alcohol would ever get me to the point the others seemed to be at. Addie danced salaciously between two men, and Nahla and Iseul danced like they were having sex through their clothes. They all naturally existed in this space and their bodies. Running into Courtney and John certainly hadn’t helped with my struggles in trying to do the same.
“How do they find the confidence?” I asked under my breath while watching Addie wiggle her ass against one guy while dragging her hands and boobs along the other man.
Iyla laughed softly from beside me, and only after hearing her did I realize I’d asked the question aloud. She watched her friends with equal awe while swaying slightly to the music. “Makes you want to feel what they do, right?”
“IwishI was confident enough to dance like that. Unfortunately, I’m about as confident as a beached whale.”
I held my breath, realizing that was probably too honest. The alcohol hadn’t made me forget my woes, but it had apparently loosened my tongue. I waited for the flash of uncomfortability or annoyance on Iyla’s face, but instead, she gave me a sympathetic and almost understanding frown. “Why do you feel that way?”
