Dear Twila,
Dad ordered doughnuts for everyone at work two days ago. It was a special treat to celebrate a big job we’d all completed. I love doughnuts (who doesn’t), so I was pretty excited to have one. I went to grab one from the breakroom, and Bradley was in there with Cassidy and John.
“Are you sure you need that?”
I know Bradley didn’t mean anything by it. At least, that’s what I told myself until I couldn’t convince myself of it anymore. I asked him what he meant, and he said he just meant it wasn’t healthy.
But he had one.
Cassidy and John had one.
I know what he meant. I know why Cassidy and John snorted like a pig every time I walked by after that.
Why say something so awful? People have this weird notion that words hold no power, but then why do we read? If words don’t have the ability to hurt people, why do we cling to them like lifelines when reading about love, adventures, and magic? Words are the deadliest weapon a person can wield, because one word from a friend or stranger could make someone believe everything they say.
“God, she looks like a fucking cow.”
“Look how ugly she is. No make-up is going to fixthat.”
“Why does she even bother opening her mouth if she’s just going to say stupid shit?”
“She’s so weird. A realfreak.”
Words are the deadliest weapon a person can wield, because one word from a friend or strangercould unknowingly be enough to tip someone off the ledge.
I fell off that ledge.
So I stopped eating. For two days, I haven’t had anything to eat.
At least, that was the case until a moment ago. I’ve been feeling terrible and lethargic, so I gave in and had some crackers. I cried while I ate them. I hate myself for eating when I know what food does to me. Makes me bigger. Makes me ugly. Makes me a fucking pig.
Why couldn’t I be stronger?
Why do I have to be so weak?
Why do I have to look likethis?
I hate this body, almost as much as I hate myself.
Chapter 15
Serenity
“I’M SURE YOU REMEMBER IYLA,” Addie said as we neared the group of girls.
Iyla, who wore a tight top and short skirt that showed off her new flying sparrow tattoo, brightened and waved when she spotted us. She and Addie quickly introduced me to Nahla and Iseul—Iyla and Addie’s best friends who also happened to be girlfriends. Talking to people I wasn’t familiar with,especiallya crowd of gorgeous girls like this, made me nervous. Still, I slowly shifted closer to their group, more afraid of coming off rude with my distance than afraid of saying something to humiliate myself.
Normally, I’d be incredibly intimidated by this situation. The four girls were stunning by all standards. A pink dress hugged Addie’s fit body, and her platinum and pink hair hung around her shoulders. Nahla and Iseul looked like a vision standing side by side with Nahla in a beige pantsuit and Iseul in a bralette and leather skirt. Iyla was just as pretty as the last time I’d seen her. Even with my own outfit and makeup, I felt like an imposter standing among them.
They watched me, and I searched their gazes for any of the looks I was used to receiving from people. Judgment. Annoyance. A turned up nose. But they all just smiled and made room for me in their group.
“It’s nice to meet you guys,” I greeted nervously, tucking some hair behind my ear.
“So you’re here with Dante?” Nahla asked with a conspiratorial smirk, swaying softly with her girlfriend in her arms. “Are you two a thing?”
I quickly waved my hands to dismiss the idea. “No, no. We’re friends. He wanted to take me out after my breakup.”
“What?” Addie gasped, her blue eyes widening. “You and Bradley broke up? Holy shit. I knew I sensed some bad energy while working with him.”
