I tried to match her casual sway to the song overhead, if only to have something to do before I started picking at my fingers. Talking about this was nerve-wracking, but something in bothIyla’s gaze and her way of speaking was so genuine. She exuded kindness, and that made me feel comfortable opening up, just a sliver. Plus, Ineededto release some of the tension pressing down on my chest after seeing my long-time bullies.
“I-I haven’t ever really been praised for my …attributes.” I shrugged. “It’s hard to feel good about yourself when you only hear bad things from other people.”
Iyla gave a small, humorless laugh as she looked up at the ceiling. “I definitely know that feeling. It’s impossible to be confident when you haven’t been given the space to do so.”
The music picked up, and her body did the same. The unsure, timid sway became sexy and sure. A smile lit up her face, and she looked up at the VIP balcony. I followed her line of sight to see Zagan watching her with rapt and hungry attention.
She tilted her chin higher and finished, “But when you meet the right people, it gets easier to find and love yourself. Sometimes you have to let go of the things that have been holding you back in order to grasp something new to guide you toward your better self.”
I couldn’t help but think of Bradley. I’d let go of what we’d had. My hand was free of the weight that had been holding me down, pulling me under the waves of self-doubt and loathing. My palm was free to grasp something new, something that could pull me higher than I ever dreamt I could go—past the clouds and into the stars.
Strong hands gripped my waist. I gasped as they hauled me back against a firm torso, and a head bent toward mine to whisper in my ear. “Having fun? You seem to have forgotten about me.”
I released a shaky breath and tried looking over my shoulder at Dante. “Jealous?”
“Incredibly.”
Zagan appeared by Iyla’s side and immediately pulled her into his arms, the two becoming lost to the world while ensnared in the other’s embrace. The adoration and affection that passed between them was instantaneous, and I realized with a flutter of my heart thatthat’swhat I wanted. Love like that. They clearly had a strong bond. So surely I could find that kind of happiness, too, even if I was a fat elephant or hippo or pig.
Being here with Dante and his circle of friends served as a stark reminder of why leaving Bradley was the right decision. We’d never had what Zagan and Iyla clearly did, and I doubted he and I ever would. The people Bradley surrounded himself with tore me down while these people tried to lift me up, despite only being recent acquaintances. The contrast in the two experiences was reeling.
“Dance with me?” Dante asked.
The question had my gaze bouncing like ping pong balls between the many people on the dance floor. The men and women here moved without doubts or insecurities, and while Iyla’s words had brought me some comfort, they hadn’t magically made me feel at ease about dancing in front of so many people. I didn’t know how to get lost in the music like the people around me. I didn’t know how to let go of my inhibitions. Even if it was only my imagination, I felt Courtney’s and John’s eyes on me from somewhere in the club, judging and making fun of me for attempting to be confident or sexy.
I turned in Dante’s arms to look up at him. I wasn’t sure what he saw on my face, but he quickly looked around before grabbing my hand and tipping his head back in the direction of the VIP section. “Come on.”
We returned to the upstairs VIP area. It was away from the masses, offering privacy and a sense of ease. Coldin and Xander were no longer there, so I assumed they’d gone down to find dance partners.
“How about dancing here?” Dante offered with a gesture around us.
As if to provide me more courage, he grabbed my hands and held them up above us while he crowded in close and moved to the beat of the music. While the anxiety about dancing in front of a crowd or lurking enemies was gone, I couldn’t deny that I was still hesitant about dancing with Dante for three glaring reasons.
My attraction to Dante, the reminder of my level, and my lingering sense of loyalty to Bradley.
Dante was hot. He was everyone’s wet dream with his perfectly trimmed facial hair, dark eyes set against flawless skin, piercings that begged to be licked, and muscles that even ancient gods would be envious of. I wouldn’t be human if I wasn’t attracted to him, but with that draw to him came a sense of guilt and embarrassment. Even though I was now single, I couldn’t shake the faithful girlfriend role I’d lived in for eight years. I wanted to dance with Dante, but doing so felt wrong.
Not only did it feel like I was doing something bad by dancing with him in such a close and private space, but there was a gnawing worry about looking like a fool in front of him. Who was I to dance with someone like him? I wasn’t a dancer by any means. I had no hope of moving my body the way Dante was or how the girls downstairs did. But not trying when Dante clearly wanted to would also make me look ridiculous. It was a double-edged sword—dance and look dumb; don’t dance and look like a killjoy.
I swallowed hard and bounced lightly on my feet. I tried to mirror Dante’s movements as I plastered on my signature smile that I used at work, with Bradley, or in front of those who tried to knock me down—those whose voices filled my head now with cackles and sneers.
He’s way out of your league.
No one wants to see a cow shaking their fat ass.
If you try to act sexy, he’ll realize you’re just an embarrassment.
Each idea had been planted by my own struggles with self-love and worth, but the years of bullying and nonexistent validation from my own boyfriend had added fertilizer and water. The hatred for myself was rooted so deep, I didn’t know how to get rid of the negative feelings.
“Who are you dancing with right now?”
The abrupt question had me freezing and raising a brow. “You.”
“Right,” Dante nodded, ceasing his own dancing. “You’re dancing with me. So whose voice are you listening to that has you so hesitant to let go and do just that?”
My eyes widened, and the smile I’d forced slowly fell. I hadn’t expected Dante to pick up on the turbulent thoughts bouncing around my head, but as usual, he somehow saw through the lies I plastered on.
I nibbled my lip and ducked my head as shame filled my chest with its heaviness. “Sorry,” I mumbled as I looked at my lightly tapping feet. “I’m still trying to convince myself that dancing with you is okay. I’m not cheating by being here with you, because I’m single.”
