Very gently, Jay pulls her hands away, clasping them in his and locking eyes with her.
‘You’re so beautiful,’ he says. And he guides her backwards against the sofa cushions, kissing his way down her chest. As he reaches her stomach, tears well in her eyes at the softness of his lips on the softest bit of her.
Hearing her sniff, his head snaps up. She looks down into his familiar eyes, spotting the flash of worry that has arrived there.
‘Are you OK?’
She nods, a smile on her face even as the tears continue to fill her eyes.
‘Yes. It feels good. Please, don’t stop.’ She leans forward to kiss him, getting his cheeks damp in the process. And then she lets herself sink back into the cushions and into the pleasure of his touch, letting everything go, letting herself think of absolutely nothing but this, nothing but him.
When she shudders in his arms, her hands clamped tightly in his, it feels like arriving home.
After the 4 a.m. feed, Kate can’t get back to sleep. But for once, she doesn’t mind. She glances at Rosie, milk drunk and snoring in her Moses basket, and then at Jay, who is curled up ather side, one arm flung over her thigh. Careful not to disturb either of them, she reaches for her phone on the bedside table.
This time, instead of scrolling her way through reminders of her old life or the perfect depictions of motherhood that look nothing like her own experiences, she composes a post, selecting one of the candid photos of her and Rosie that she asked Jay to send her earlier after seeing them in his studio. And she begins to write.
This is me and my beautiful daughter. She is the cutest thing in the world. But I am not sure if I love her yet.
Everything I heard or read before having a baby made me think that the second she was born I’d be flooded with a love unlike anything I’d ever experienced. But that hasn’t happened for us. For me, bonding isn’t something that’s happened immediately and without effort. It’s taking time and work.
For ages, I’ve been terrified about anyone finding out my secret. What would people think? What if I’m the only person who’s ever felt this way? But in not sharing my truth, I’m part of the problem too. If I don’t speak with honesty, then I’m not doing justice to the one person who might read this and think –that’s me too. I’m not doing justice to the me who spends far too long scrolling social media on the night feeds, trying to find a version of motherhood that looks like mine and wishing I could see a post like this that tells me I’m not alone.
I’m starting to think that everything I’ve felt or haven’t felt doesn’t make me a bad mother. It just makes me a mother. Messy, imperfect and sometimes terrified. But always trying my best. #UnfilteredMotherhood
Kate hits post, sending her words out into the world. Then she puts her phone back on the bedside table and falls asleep, sleeping deeper than she has in a long time.
While Kate joins in with her daughter’s snores, on the bedside table, her phone begins to light up. As the sun begins to rise outside, Kate’s phone glows with notification after notification after notification.
CHAPTER 43
What if no one shows up? It’s the thought that rolls around in Phoebe’s mind as she arrives at the river at 9.45 a.m. on Monday. It’s a grey morning and she glances anxiously at the sky. She wants to show her patients the joys of wild swimming and if it chucks it down, then that might not be so easy. Ever since she mentioned the group to Mel and sent the invitations to her patients, she’s been quietly panicking. It was one thing when the group was just an idea, but now it’s actually real. What if it’s a total failure? Mel has put her trust in her and she doesn’t want to let her down, especially as, after a night in her newly homely flat, thoughts about the future and her finances are weighing on Phoebe’s mind. She doesn’t want to let her patients down either, especially after everything they’ve been through. She’s seriously starting to freak out when she hears a familiar voice calling her name.
She turns to see the swimming group heading towards herthrough the meadow, Kate leading the way with Rosie in the sling.
‘I’m so glad to see you all!’ she says, greeting them in turn.
‘We’re glad to be here,’ replies Sandra.
‘Wouldn’t have missed it,’ adds Jazz, Hester nodding beside her.
‘I had study leave this morning,’ she explains. ‘I thought this could count as, like, work experience.’
‘This is Rosie’s first visit to the river,’ says Kate. ‘I think she likes it.’
Rosie looks around them with wide eyes, her arms and legs waving in the sling. It makes them all laugh and Phoebe finds herself relaxing a little.
The sound of someone clearing their throat causes Phoebe to turn around. Her face spreads into a relieved smile as she sees Ben standing somewhat awkwardly in the grass, a rucksack slung over his shoulder. Her eyebrows lift in surprise as she sees the diminutive figure of Maude beside him, the pair standing so close and seeming so comfortable in each other’s presence that they look as though they could be grandmother and grandson.
‘Ben! Maude! You came!’
It takes all her strength not to reach out and hug them both, but especially Ben. She’s been worrying about him all week, terrified that the news about his football group had sent him back down a spiral. It had been so hard not to check in, and now, seeing him here in person, she feels something lift off her shoulders slightly.
‘I found this one by the gate chatting to a hawthorn tree,’he says, gesturing to Maude. ‘I figured she was one of us mad ones.’
Phoebe never uses that word herself and remembers kicking off once when Max made an offhand comment when they were out with his friends about Phoebe and her ‘mad patients’. She’d been seething, although he’d told her that she was overreacting. But the way Ben says it is different. He and Maude glance at each other and smile.
‘He’s a good shepherd, he is,’ Maude says, patting his arm.
