A realization dawns on me then. I don’t want them dead. Neither of them.
A ball rises in my throat, and I have a hard time swallowing. I grip the arms of the armchair harder. The leather of my gloves squeaks against the leather of the chair.
I don’t realize how tense I am until Jax’s hand lands on my forearm and he offers me a gentle, assuring squeeze. I blink and turn my head. Our gazes meet. His is warm and…understanding.
“You didn’t meant to kill those men, did you?” I shake my head. Jax nods. “The first time you kill, it…it can haunt you for a long time.”
I bark a laugh. “It wasn’t my first time, buddy. The first time I killed I was, what…ten or eleven? Maybe even younger.”
Jax removes his hand and leans back in his chair. “It doesn’t mean those deaths don’t stay with you. Every life we take lives within us for the rest of our lives.”
I’m startled by his words.
It’s something Dad always said.Don’t ask if you can kill. As soldiers, we’re born for it. But you better be certain your reason aligns with your inner compass. Because every life you take stays with you until the end of yours.
“Have you killed before? I thought you were just a con artist and a thief.”
Jax looks at the fireplace, and for a brief moment he appears to be haunted. “I have, plenty,” he finally says. His voice is void of any emotions. “My first time was a mistake. I didn’t meant to do what I did.”
I pull my knees to my chest and get comfortable. Finally, the warmth from the fireplace is reaching deeper inside me. “Who did you kill? How did it happen? You don’t strike me as a dangerous kind. No offense.”
Jax purses his lips. “None taken, Phoenix darling.”
He falls silent. It takes a moment for him to find his words again. Slowly, a smile blooms on his mouth. It’s the saddest smile in the world. Jax’s head falls backwards to rest on the back of his chair, revealing the tall smooth column of his throat.
When he says the next words, my heart drops. “The girl I was madly in love with. A couple of years back, before I came here to Ekios. Her death is the reason I’m here.”
I’m speechless. It’s the last thing I expect to hear.
He turns his head so he faces me. “The funniest thing about it is that I was trying to protect her. I tried to protect her from my own damn family, and all it did was get her killed.”
I frown. “I’m sorry. That—I can’t even imagine how that feels. To take the life of someone you love, especially accidentally.”
The worst thing imaginable is having to take the life of someone you love.
He rakes his teeth over his bottom lip and nods. “It feels like dying. And while the feeling dulls, it never fully goes away. However, you learn to live with it. To accept it as a new part of you that will always be there.”
I understand what he’s saying. All those lives I took to this day, they follow me around. Like a dark, misty veil dragging at my feet. I just learned to ignore it.
“Thank you. For sharing,” I say quietly.
Jax winks at me. We sit in silence until the last ember in the fireplace dies down. Even if only temporary, I don’t feel so alone.
CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO
PHOENIX
A week goes by. My torturous training with Kazh continues. No invitation to the Trial of Truth arrives.
Frustration is not the right word to describe what I’m feeling.
Sweat drips down my face and over my eyes. I am squatting low on my right leg, the left one stretched out in front of me. I’ve been holding this pose for forty minutes.
Forty.
Damn.
Minutes.
