“I’m sorry, but we went about as far as anyone can go, Matt. We…” He left the sentence unfinished, confirming what my father already suspected. Then he straightened out his wrinkled sweatshirt and licked his lower lip.
“I…don’t know what to say,” my father mumbled, in shock, staggering back like he’d just been punched in the chest. He leaned against the couch as though he might collapse at any moment and shook his head repeatedly.
“I’m also at fault, Matt.” I said, intervening for the first time and pulling his gaze to me. “He didn’t have to twist my arm,” I mumbled as I stared back at him. “We acted on instinct and made a mistake, but we are both to blame.” I took a deep breath, trying to project a confidence I didn’t really feel. But my father just turned his attention back to Neil, still trying not to break down in front of us.
“Do you even care about her? Do you have any feelings for my daughter? Or were you just passing the time?” he asked, all the strength drained from his voice. He didn’t seem fully lucid, nor able to cope with the possibly negative answer he’d get. I looked at Neil as well, waiting to see what he said. His eyes were a mixture of emotions. I tried to read into them, and I didn’t like what I saw.
I saw a man who was trying to communicate wordlessly with me. A man who was trying to apologize in advance for what he was about to say. I shook my head and stepped back, trying to shield myself from the cutting words that were about to fall from his beautiful lips.
“No, Matt. I was attracted to your daughter the moment we met. As soon as I saw her, I planned to use her. And I did. I satisfied my urges, and thenI disposed of her, just like the rest of them. At the end of the day, I always knew I wasn’t the man for her, and I still believe that. I don’t love her. I’ve never loved her, and I never will love her…because I just don’t believe in love.” His voice was austere and his demeanor so frosty that I bent over in pain. Matt closed his eyes, and at the same time, I closed my heart and decided I was going to throw away the key. Silent tears slid down my cheeks as my soul was subsumed into nothingness. All the while, Neil just stood there, motionless, witness to my annihilation.
I looked at him for an unknowable amount of time, hoping I would hear him say something else. But the longer I looked into his face, the more I knew that wasn’t going to happen. I felt like I was drowning, and I was cold, so cold. I had fallen into a deep chasm of pain and had no idea how I was going to get back out. My heart was pounding so hard I thought it was going to burst from my chest.
Delusional as it was, I couldn’t help but think back on what we’d shared.
“I’ll call you whatever I want, Tinkerbell,”he’d said the first time he used that stupid nickname after. I had only been in New York a few hours and had gotten lost on my way back from an ordinary trip to a bookstore. I ran into him and his unruly pack of friends on the sidewalk. It was like fate was playing a joke on me, dropping the most beautiful angel I’d ever seen right in my path. I allowed myself to be enthralled by him, not realizing that he was the kind of angel that got kicked out of Heaven because he was destined to live in Hell.
“My bed smelled like coconut this morning,”he’d said after we made the dire mistake that we would go on to make again and again.
“The truth is in the details, Selene.”I thought that “truth” was the sentiment he hid from me so I’d never see his human side. But I’d been an idiot to hang on his every word, to think that we might possibly have a future together.
Love makes a person blind and crazy—that’s what it had done to me. I needed to just give him the freedom he wanted so badly. I should have let him go long before then. He deserved to live his life without me if that’s the way he wanted it, and I’d have to accept that. Especially if that’s what made him happy.
“I should have seen this coming,” my father said, soft and blistering. “I am so profoundly disappointed in you,” he added bitterly.
Suddenly, an unexpected sob came from behind us. I whirled around to see that Mia had joined us. Her blue eyes looked stricken, and she stared at her son in disbelief, one hand clamped over her mouth to keep from crying.
“Neil…” she murmured, but there was nothing else to say. Nothing more to add. Silence lay heavy all around us; not a single sound was disturbing the air in the living room.
“You hurt me, Neil,” I said after what felt like an endless minute, and both my father and Mia turned their attention to me. I could feel their eyes on me, but with the last ounce of strength I possessed, I kept going. “You hurt me when you touch me, when you kiss me, and especially when you talk to me. You provoke the kind of devastating feelings that would destroy even the strongest woman in the world. And we both know that I’m not her.” I rubbed the back of my hand against my cheek and, taking a deep breath, went on.
“You’re troubled. You’re a mess. Definitely not the kind of guy you take home to meet the parents. But you were the only guy I could both laugh and cry with, the only guy my heart woke up for. The only guy who made me feel alive. Yeah, alive. You may be flawed and unbearable at times…” I gave him a weak smile, praying I’d be able to finish my little speech. “But I felt your heart pounding more than once when you were with me and not from the stupid arousal response you’re always talking about. Maybe you’ll never be ready for a relationship; maybe you’ll always need more time. Or maybe I just won’t be the one. But I do know that there is goodness inside you, a part of you that just needs to be loved.
“I’ve learned it all by heart, you know? Every mistake, every need, every false move, every personality defect, and even your weaknesses. But in spite of your cruel words, I still think that you are incredible just the way you are. I’m going to remember everything we experienced together; I will carry it all with me. And maybe this makes me look like an idiot right now, but I want to thank you. Thank you for everything you’ve taught me.” I sighed and licked my dry lips before continuing. “You taught me not to believe in fairy tales and how to rebuild a dream when the storms come and destroy it. You taught me how to be stronger, to face life head-on even with all its pitfalls and obstacles. You taught me how to be a woman. You taught me patience because sometimes it takes more time to understand the reallyspecial people.” I finished in a small voice, my words evaporating into the air. I didn’t even care if I’d touched his heart; the important thing was that I’d said it. In spite of everything, I couldn’t hate him because hate was the opposite of love, and I couldn’t associate either with Neil.
I was heartbroken and disillusioned, but I finally understood.
I realized that I’d been deluding myself. I had meant nothing to him.
If I mattered to him, he wouldn’t have touched any other women. He would have had the guts to go against my father to defend what we had. He was all I wanted, but he felt nothing for me.
The people who loved you shouldn’t hurt you, and Neil was constantly hurting me.
I’d been a fool to imagine that he was mine, even in those brief moments when he gave himself over to me. He wasn’t, he never had been. It dawned on me that I had done all the wrong things, because I was never going to save him or fix him. Love was not enough to save someone who was truly damned.
I was willing to fight for Neil—for us—but I knew that there was no point if he didn’t reach out a hand for me. I’d done everything I could to get close to his heart, but the truth was he wasn’t letting anyone in there, not even me.
My love would never be reciprocated because his suffering would always be stronger than anything else.
Neil was like a black eagle: He flew high and far and was impossible to reach. He’d never stop because he was searching for infinity, not the finite. Love was nothing but a prison for him.
I had dreamed of our life together, even during my coma. But I knew then that it would remain just a dream. A lovely dream. I understood that then, and I hoped that sometimes Neil might dream of me too. I hoped that there, at least, in our Neverland, life might exist and we could be happy.
Was that how the story went?
Didn’t Peter choose Wendy?
Well, I hoped that in his dreams at least…he would choose Tinkerbell.
