***
I returned home that evening with a new sense of understanding, ready to take control of my life again. I was never going to stop thinking about Neil entirely because he was going to be with me forever, but I was going to try to move on.
My mother didn’t ask me any questions when I got back. I knew Matt had told her everything because I’d eavesdropped on the call he’d made to her before I got into my cab and left. Still, Mom greeted me with an affectionate hug and kiss to the forehead, right over my scar. “I made cherry pie,” she said. Then we spent the rest of the night huddled up on the couch watching comedies, eventually falling asleep together in a completely bizarre position.
More than a week passed after that. Neil never sought me out, neither by text nor phone call, but I was still trying to get used to his absence. I wondered every day about what he was doing and how he was doing. I was positive that he wasn’t missing me at all and that he’d never apologize for what he’d said.
Neil had just been honest, after all. He told my father what he really thought—what he had repeatedly tried to make me understand. I had known from the jump that loving someone was a risk, but I had taken that risk, and now I was going to have to deal with the consequences. In addition to the devastating way Neil had talked about me, I was also shaken up over Matt’s reaction. He had been so broken that I worried he might never recover from the shock.
“Why so thoughtful?” Janel asked as we stood in the library at Wayne State. I had been tagging along with my friends when they went to campus because, according to my doctor, I was cleared to go back to my everyday activities, and I wanted to see if I’d be able to reenroll for the spring semester.
“You know, ever since you came back from New York, you’ve seemed really far away,” Bailey put in, twisting a lock of red hair around her index finger.
How could I tell them what happened without completely going to pieces?
“It’s all good. I’ve just been getting my ducks in a row. Trying to makeup for lost time, you know,” I answered with a forced smile. I wasn’t lying. I had thrown myself into planning my courses and refining my study plan. Spending hours bent over my books kept me from thinking.
“Hey, if you do need anything, we’re here. You know that, right?” Janel reached an arm across the table and patted the back of my hand. It was one of those moments when I felt my heart lurch and my eyes prickle. I shook my head and tried to reassure her with another smile.
“Figured I’d find you here. Who the fuck gave you permission to take my car?”
All three of us gasped as Ivan, Janel’s twin brother, popped out of nowhere to berate his sister. His problem was the same as it always was—he didn’t want her to touch his precious car.
“Are you nuts? We are in a library?” she snapped back in annoyance, and I laughed softly. Some things never changed, and Ivan was one of them. I’d known him for two years, since the day I’d become friends with Janel. The two of them were too alike, so they could never get along. They were fraternal twins, and Ivan had green eyes that Janel was always envying. Plus, he was ten minutes older than her and particularly eager to remind her of that in every argument.
That day, Janel’s brother was wearing one of his usual tracksuits, which, as always, looked great on him. He played basketball and was as tall and athletic as that implied, with a thick fall of black hair that framed his masculine face.
“I missed the bus. What’s the big deal?” Janel added, huffing as she shrugged her shoulders indifferently, a move that only served to infuriate her brother.
“I had to come here on my motorcycle because I couldn’t find my car parked in my spot. That’s the big deal,” Ivan retorted, pointing a finger at her. Bailey and I could barely suppress our laughter.
“Oh, come on, don’t be a baby. I even cleaned the seats, and who knows what kind of bodily fluids were on there?” Janel made a disgusted face, and with good reason. Ivan was extremely popular with the female portion of the student body, and his car was where he spent the most time with them.
And that was when we actually burst out laughing. Bailey tried to hide her face and go unnoticed, and I gave her a teasing kick under the table.Ivan just cocked an eyebrow at us with a serious expression, folding his arms over his chest.
“And what the hell are you two laughing about?” he asked, looking back and forth between us.
“Nothing, we’re just sympathizing with Janel. It takes guts to get into your car,” I joked, and he reached out to ruffle my bangs. He always did that, and I couldn’t stand it.
“Come on, knock it off.” I slapped his hand away, and he gave me a snaky smile.
“There, you’re definitely more attractive now,” he teased, showing off the dimple in his right cheek, a little detail of his face that had knocked many a girl for a loop. I genuinely thought that dimple might be cursed: It made everyone fall in love with him.
“And you! We’re going to talk about this at home.” Ivan rounded on Janel and then left, though not before giving me another furtive look and a wink. Despite his buffoonish show-off persona, I knew that he was actually a very quick-witted guy. He spent any time he wasn’t at practice studying, and he’d actually been nice enough to pass his notes along so I could decide which classes to take.
Bailey watched me with a mischievous smile, and I frowned at her.
“What?” I asked. She adopted a suggestive stance and drummed her fingers on the table. She always did that whenever she was about to say something really absurd.
“I could see you with him,” she answered, and Janel raised her head up out of her book to look at her.
“With Ivan?” I laughed, shaking my head. He was a nice guy, but his reputation wasn’t much better than Neil’s. He changed girls about as often as he worked out, and I had decided I was done with guys like that. I wasn’t going to fall for it again.
“No, absolutely not!” I added severely, trying to put a quick stop to that nonsense.
“You’re gorgeous and smart, and I think you might like him. I certainly wouldn’t mind having you for a sister-in-law,” Janel noted wryly, but I was never going to change my mind.
“Ivan’s a nice guy, but…” I stopped. But my heart was somewhere else. I wasn’t ready to date someone new and might not be ready for a long time.
