He was sharing his soul with me in his own way, but he was afraid of what drew us together.
The connection between us was undeniable, and we both knew it.
With this new understanding, I smiled as I bounced around the room, happier than I had ever been before. I needed to shower and change, so I stepped into the bathroom humming a Coldplay song. In the shower, I scrubbed myself, washing away his scent even though it was so deep in my head by then that no soap would ever have the power to erase it. When I was done, I put my hair into a high ponytail and tugged on a sweater and a pair of jeans.
Half an hour later, I was still unusually joyful, feeling like we’d had a breakthrough in our relationship.
Neil was starting to trust me, and that was already a huge step forward.
Of course, I couldn’t delude myself about anything. I knew I wasn’t the only one, and my confrontation last night with Jennifer had only confirmed that they were still having sex. Which meant that I still wasn’t important enough for Neil to give up the other girls.
The more I thought it over, though, the more my happiness faded as it occurred to me that I was living a fantasy, something that didn’t actually exist, and soon I would need to wake up and come back to reality.
Feeling bleak, I went over to the bed to grab my phone out of my purse. I had the sudden urge to call my mother, the only person who could chase away some of the misery I was feeling.
I sighed and tapped her contact, waiting for her to answer.
“Hi, sweetheart,” she said on the second ring.
“Hi, Mom. How are you doing?” I didn’t have anything of particular import to tell her, but I wanted to hear her voice.
“I’m fine. How’s it going there? Did you get some quality time with your father?” she asked, and I rolled my eyes. I knew she was going to ask me that. She was stuck on the idea that Matt and I were going to work out our issues, while I was firmly convinced that it would never happen. At the time, we were living in a kind of armistice. I’d put down my hatchet after his birthday, but that didn’t mean I was ready to bury it completely.
“Not really,” I admitted, choosing to omit the detail about how I’d spent the night with Mia’s son. I suspected my mother knew something was going on with Neil, but I was still afraid of her reaction to the whole truth. I was afraid she’d be so disappointed in me that she’d kick me out of the house and cut contact forever.
What had I done?
“Mom…” I added immediately in a shaky voice. I sat down on the edge of the bed and rubbed a nervous hand over my jeans.
“Tell me, sweetheart. What’s wrong? Are you having headaches again? Did you get sick to your stomach? Did you have another nightmare last night?” She immediately flew into a panic, and I instantly felt guilty. I didn’t want to make her worry, especially when I was far away. Knowing her, she’d hop on the first plane out to bring me home.
“Would you stop loving me if you found out I’d told you a small lie?” I whispered, tears in my eyes. I tried to keep my voice steady because I knew my mother had an uncanny ability to sense my mental state. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t know why I’d asked her that question. Maybe because, for the first time, I’d actually thought about the repercussions if my parents found out about Neil and me.
“I could never stop loving you, Selene. What’s happened?” she asked anxiously, and I chewed my thumbnail, trying to release some tension. Was I actually considering just telling her everything? Of admitting the whole truth and asking her for advice because there was no one else I could talk to, no one else who could help me?
“Remember that story you told me about the princess and the dark knight?” I asked her, getting to my feet.
“Yes, of course I do,” she answered, bewildered.
“What if the dark knight doesn’t fall in love with the princess? What ifhe eventually picks someone else or just decides to disappear entirely?” I blurted out in one breath, feeling agitated and melancholy at the same time. Just the thought of Neil connecting with another woman or asking me to end whatever was going on between us for good made my chest feel like it was being squeezed.
“I told you that wasn’t a fairy tale, remember? There may not be a happily ever after,” she said, and I stopped my anxious roaming of the room. “But, still, it might have an important lesson to offer that the princess goes on to carry with her for the rest of her life,” she continued with her usual wisdom, and I shook my head.
The only lesson I’d be taking with me was how miserable it was to fall in love with the wrong man, but I couldn’t tell her that.
“The princess has to be a strong woman, ready for anything. She has to have a warrior’s heart,” my mother continued, and I pictured her blue eyes, identical to my own, and her fond smile. The loving arms that I wished I could have wrapped around me right then.
Contrary to my mother’s beliefs, I wasn’t strong. Instead, I felt like I had a heart of glass that anyone could shatter. The need to feel my mother’s love was just as powerful as the knowledge that I would never be able to fully grasp the soul of a complicated boy like Neil.
Mr. Disaster was constantly pulling me to him and then pushing me away, so being with him meant putting up with his mood swings and dealing with his extremely difficult nature.
Not to mention, I had to cope with what he had experienced as a child. I still didn’t know the whole story, but Logan had made it clear to him that Kimberly Bennett had abused him. I’d never judge Neil for what happened to him but, at the same time, I wasn’t convinced that I could stay by his side and handle the fallout from such severe trauma. I understood why he couldn’t trust me and I even understood why he pushed me away. I just wasn’t sure such deep wounds could even be healed.
Maybe a doctor, a psychiatric facility, and medication could have done it, but not me by myself.
Neil’s demons were too big to tame.
Which meant that whenever I was with him, I was constantlyflip-flopping between moments when I thought everything was going to be okay and that we’d eventually make it through and learn to understand each other. That we’d be able to join our very different lives together. And then there were the moments when reality beat down the door to my self-awareness and told me to stop clinging to my delusions.
