He hesitated “I’m…here for you.” He shifted uncertainly “you know that, right?”
I furrowed my brow, confused“course, S.”
“Great.” Puffing out a breath, he rubbed his hands over his thighs “uh…just…don’t get upset with me if I’m…out sometimes, alright? I can’t…I need a breather-“
“I know.” I lowered my gaze “I have Matt and you…used to have Jack, now you….don’t. I-“
“Don’t let me drink.” Stryker added in a tight tone “if you see me trying to, just-“
“Okay.” I nodded “sure.”
“Thanks.”
I got my first look at Matthew’s depression not too long after.
He seemed to still be asleep when I woke up that morning, which was strange since he was usually always the first one up out of the two of us- yes, I’d practically moved into his room since Jack’s death-but I didn’t think much of it. I went downstairs for breakfast, chatted a bit with the others, and head back upstairs to check on him. His eyes were open but he’d stayed in the same position, unmoving.
“Matt.” I called, feeling the first traces of concern “hey, it’s getting late.”
No answer. I frowned, moving forward and crouching so I was eye level with him “oi. We have training soon.”
His usually warm hazel eyes looked wrong. Dull. Devoid of emotion. It made me shiver. I didn’t like it.
“Matt.”
Nothing. I huffed, standing and taking a few steps backwards, hesitating, at loss. “Fine. Suit yourself.” I grumbled eventually, opting to leave the room and finding Stryker hovering outside. “Hey.” I greeted slowly.
“Hey.” He said back “uh…he alright? Wasn’t at breakfast.”
I began to nod, only to pause and shake my head “no. I mean, I can’t get him up. He’s not answering me.” I paused again, gazing at Stryker before voicing the terrible thought that had been whirring around my brain for a while now “sometimes I think he would have preferred me to have died that day.” I confessed hollowly “or that it was my fault.”
Stryker sucked in a breath.
“You think so too.” I snorted harshly, irrationally and before I could stop myself, “Jack was everything to you.”
“Theo.” Stryker rested a hand on my back “I’d never swap your life for Jack’s. That’s not how it works. N-“
“No man’s life is worth more than another’s. I know,” I muttered bitterly. I’d heard plenty of men say it during my time here; it didn’t mean anything to me. “But that’s all military talk. What do you really think, huh?”
“I think exactly that.” Stryker said softly “It wouldn’t make me feel any better if you were dead and Jack was alive.”
I swallowed hard “I knew he’d get sick of me.” I whispered “you told me he wouldn’t but I always knew that he would.”
“He’s not.” Stryker replied softly “he’s not…Jack mentioned he thought he suffered with depression?”
I blinked. Shit. I hadn’t even thought about that.
I nodded slowly.
“Could be an episode.” He said softly “you can’t do much about it, but…I don’t think it’s because he’s sick of you, okay? Just lie with him or something. I’ll tell John you’re both ill.”
“Thanks, S.” I breathed, pulling him in for a short hug before stepping back into the room.
Matt had stayed facing the wall, covers screwed up around him. I sighed quietly, walking over to him. “I’m gonna get in”, I whispered, before pulling the covers back and getting into the bed beside him. “Hey, Matt,” I mumbled into his shoulder.
I stayed like that for a while, my arm over his waist letting him know that I was there- It was all I could do, I was in uncharted waters.
“I’m not asking you to get up, Matt.” I mumbled eventually “Just want you to turn around so I can see that pretty face” I ran myfingers over his stomach and sides.
