“There you go” I smiled when he turned to face me, something in my chest loosening “thank you, Matt. You need anything?”
He shook his head- a tiny little movement that I barely caught. Nonetheless, when Stryker popped his head into the room to check on us, I requested juice and water. He put the glasses on the bedside table before leaving for training. Once he had, I placed a hand on the back of Matt’s neck, squeezing gently.
“You want some juice?”
I wasn’t fazed by the lack of reply. Instead, I kissed the top of his head, waiting patiently just in case.
He shifted, meeting my gaze “I don’t know,” he croaked quietly, barely.
I nodded, letting him think about it, feeling stuck.
“Can I have the juice?” He muttered softly, a good ten minutes later,breath warm on my chest. A wave of relief crashed over me.
“Of course. Let’s sit you up a bit so you don’t choke on it,” I replied lightly.
I sat up first, leaning against the wall behind the headboard of Matthew’s bed, before helping Matt to manoeuvre himself against my chest.
“There you go.” I mumbled, carefully handing him the glass.
When he’d finished with it, he tugged my shirt, urging me to lie back down with him. I settled into the bed and kissed his hairline. “You up for talking?” I asked quietly.
“Not really,” he whispered, “can you just hold me?” his voice was so quiet and so broken that it almost made me cry. Because I’d never seen Matthew show weakness like this. I’d never seen him so apparently empty and lost.
“Of course, Matt,” I assured. We lay there, his face hidden in my chest with the covers pulled up to his ears. I kept a hand running through his hair, fingers pressing down on his scalp in an attempt of a gentle massage.
“She would have loved you” Matt murmured abruptly, sleepily, moving impossibly closer to me “You know that, right?”
I knew who he was talking about. His mum. My heart melted.
“Yeah, Matt.”
“But I’d have still loved you more.”
I swallowed the lump of emotion in my throat and nodded “I love you, too.”
CHAPTER 35
Matthew
Things were weird for a while, in my mind. I couldn’t quite wrap my head around the fact that Jack was gone. It wasn’t a possibility I was willing to accept and I didn’t know how to deal with it- grief pressed down on everything, not sharp like panic but dull and endless. Everything I did, everything around me had blurred into a background noise.
Theo was probably my only comfort. My small point of warmth. A constant presence. It made it both better and worse: sometimes, the love felt like the light I couldn’t reach, other times it was the only thing keeping me breathing.
Training was something that helped too, because it kept my brain occupied, gave me something to concentrate on instead of spiralling.
It was for the same cause that I kept accepting going out with the guys. And smoking with Theo. And basically picking up all the bad habits that I usually chastised my boyfriend for.
“You okay?” I heard said boyfriend ask from behind me, clearly having followed me outside onto the roof of our base.
“Yes.” I replied gently. The corner of my mouth quirked up “you stink of smoke.”
“I only had one!” He protested.
“You shouldn’t be having any.”
“You shouldn’t either, but that’s been happening loads lately.” I felt his arms wrap around my waist and his chin rest on my shoulder “you sure you’re okay?”
“I’ve been better.” I admitted “but yeah, I’m okay.” I turned my face towards him, meeting his dazzling blue eyes and smiling “were you looking for me?”
