I didn’t know how long it went on like that. I lost track of time just as I lost track of the people I killed.
All I knew was that Jack had died and his blood was coating my hands. And I’d have to tell Matt. I’d have to tell Matt, who was back at the base, probably anxious because we still hadn’t returned, that his best friend was dead.
Fuck.
I registered Stryker’s hand on my shoulder. He was shaking, his eyes resting on Jack’s form before he tore his gaze away and met mine, sucking in a breath and asking “you okay?”
I grimaced at my bruised middle before gingerly placing my hand over it “fucking hurts.” I mumbled “but I’d say fine. Uh…you?”
Stryker shrugged stiffly “fine.”
He wasn’t fine. Jack was dead. Iknewhe wasn’t fine.
“We need…to tell Matt.”
He nodded slowly “yeah. Fancy a smoke first?”
“Yeah, alright.” I let my shirt drop from where I was observing my injured middle.
We ended up by the lake, where my partner took the first drag of the rolled joint before offering it to me.
“You want dinner?” Stryker surprised me by asking.
I shrugged “do you?”
“Yeah.” He sounded reluctant.
And that was that. We didn’t exchange another word.
After that, I discovered that Stryker didn’t openly grieve like he had his dad. He ate regularly, was present, got on with life.
And I knew it was his own way of honouring Jack’s wishes- the lad would have never wanted Stryker to go back to how he’d been after his dad. Ever.
It had been terrible telling Matthew about the incident. It wasn’t something I ever wanted to do again. I never wanted to see that level of heartbreak in his eyes again.It pained me. His sexual drive had been almost disturbingly high since then. Not that I was complaining.
He didn’t mention Jack until one night, two months later, when we’d had sex for half an hour straight and he’d suddenly started sobbing about it. He’d fallen asleep sobbing too, curled into me, who could only comfort him with my presence. I didn’t know what to do. I’d never seen him quite that bad, but Ihadbeen expecting it.
“How is he?” Stryker quietly asked from the doorway once he’d dropped off.
Ijumped “Christ. How long-?”
“He’s a loud crier. I wasn’t spying.” Stryker raised an eyebrow “promise. The whole base can hear him. We’re…worried.”
I snorted softly “I don’t know.” I answered “upset.”
“Hm.” Stryker sat down on the edge of the bed.
I chewed on my lip “you haven’t…said anything about it.”
“Neither have you.” He shot back smoothly. I swallowed hard and shrugged “can’t think about it.”
“Me neither.” Stryker admitted softly “I mean…I can’t get like before.”
“You’re allowed to grieve.” I whispered, running a hand through Matthew’s hair.
“Yeah.” He scoffed “I’ve done too much of that for now.” He forced a smile “he’ll be fine.” He nodded towards Matt “he likes to play tough.”
“I know.”
