I hesitated, running a hand through my hair “it, uh…it’s a bit like being underwater.” I murmured “and I can see the surface but I can’t swim up because the water keeps pulling me down.”
I felt Theo shift against me, silent, listening.
“And some days it’s really bad. I can’t…get out of bed because it seems soinsurmountableand there are just all these thoughts pressing down on my chest and no matter how hard anyone tries they can’t drag me up because I just feelexhausted. Other days- most days- it’s just a kind of fog that makes everything seem distant, kind of distorted. But it’s…complicated, lovely, I don’t…”
He moved so that he was almost lying on top of me, crushing me with his weight in a way that felt comforting. He clung to me and mumbled “can’t you do anything about it?”
“I don’t want therapy.” I whispered.
He nodded “okay. I wouldn’t either. What about antidepressants?”
“I don’t know.” I swallowed hard, licking my lips, focusing on the feel of him, on his familiar smell of tobacco and cinnamon “I’m scared, I think. Of all the different medications I’d have to take before finding one that works. Of all of the side effects.”
He made a small noise and mumbled “I think you should. I’d help you. In any way I could.”
It brought a smile to my face. “Maybe.” I whispered, closing my eyes “maybe.”
CHAPTER 34
Theo
After my talk with Stryker- which was mostly me gushing about Matthew like a teenage girl with a crush and him laughing about it- everything was good for a while.
Probably too good to last, so I should have foreseen the shitshow that was going to follow.
It happened precisely a month after Stryker returned.
We’d been alerted of the presence of intruders on the border. Johnathan had sent a large group of us to check it out.
We’d been ambushed. By Stadal. Again.
It was a mess- frenzied bodies and clashing of metal and panic so strong I could almost taste it in the air around me. My first instinct was to run. I would have run. It had seemed the most logical thing to do, only I then spotted something sobadit made my head spin and my throat close up.
Jack getting gutted.
Stryker, defenceless beside him, his sword having been knocked out of his grasp, trying to fend off three men at once.
I was crashing to my knees beside Jack before I could even process that I’d begun moving towards them. Helplessly, I pressed my hands to his gaping wound in a futile attempt to stem the bleeding.
“Shit, Jack.” I hissed “fuck.”
“Not…helping.” He choked out, face white, blood trickling from the corner of his mouth.
“Just- hold on, okay? You’ll- we’ll get help-“
“I’m a goner.” He choked, weakly attempting to push my hands away “idiot.”
“Jack-“
“Help him.”He wheezed, and I followed his rapidly dulling eyes to Stryker, visibly struggling against his now two massive opponents.
“Jack-“ my hands were slick with his blood. It was making me feel sick. I wasn’t stupid enough to believe he’d survive- he’d lost too much of the dark liquid.Hewasn’t stupid enough to believe that either. But I didn't want to leave him there alone.Iwouldn’t want to die there alone.
He saved me the difficulty of having to choose when his head lolled to the side moments later, body going limp beneath my hands.
I felt nauseous. Fuck.Fuck,he was dead.
Before I could think about it too much, I turned back to Stryker and scrambled to help him, drawing my blade and crashing into one of the men, slicing through the flesh of his neck.
