I step out of the bedroom and into the living room where he stumbles over his feet, visibly drunk. “Aoi?”
Dulled and dazed blue eyes peek up at me and I get confirmation. He doesn’t address me and simply slumps on a chair, reeking of booze.
“Did you drink?” I ask, reaching for him but he slaps my hand away.
Barely looking at me he snarls, “Don’t touch me.”
I take a step back, appalled by his reaction and yet he’s right. I stepped out of line by insulting him as I did, and now he’s angry and upset.
God, I’m trash. “I’m sorry for earlier. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“Hah, right. How convenient it is to apologize after the deed is done.” He barres his teeth. “Next time you feel the need to say shit like that just shut your mouth.”
I stand in the middle of the room, speechless. Never, and I mean it,neverhas he ever been as hostile towards me. Not even when I throw a tantrum because of Jason.
“I was mad and upset but that doesn’t justify what I said. I didn’t mean it, I swear.” I graze the back of his hand with my fingers, but he slaps them away.
“Don’t fucking touch me,” he snaps. “Your apology doesn’t mean shit to me right now for the record.”
My knees hit the ground in a loud thud. “Aoi, please.” Tears threaten to spill, and I don’t bother holding them in. They simply soak up my cheeks as I cling to his pants. “I- I’m sorry. I’m-”
“I’m glad you’re leaving. After all, this was never meant to last. You’re better off with that wraith and I’ll be less exhausted every day from busting my ass to raise you.”
His words stab me like a million swords, and I clutch my chest. “No. You don’t mean that. You don’t mean that! Aoi please!”
He looks away from me, averting his gaze toward the windows. The usual soft and unblemished skin of his face is now red and sunken from exhaustion.
Did I really never notice how tired he really is? I knew he was overworked but not to this point. “Don’t abandon me. I’m begging you, don’t leave me.”
He doesn’t answer. His eyes flutter shut and though I can see the pain contorting his features, I don’t see any remorse.
Biting the inside of my cheek, I jump to my feet with immense difficulty and drag myself to the bedroom.
How can he say that? Why would he say that?
I bury myself under the sheets and as the heavy weight on my chest sinks me deeper into the mattress, I sob quietly.
I knew I was a burden, of course I knew that, but for him to straight up say it to my face? I just don’t know what to do. It burns and aches, ripping apart the little hope I had.
I expect these kinds of crude words from people like Jason but not from Aoi. Never from Aoi.
They say drunk words are sober thoughts. Does that mean he meant what he said? Does that mean he never wanted me in the first place? And that he only sees me as a huge burden? As a workload he’s glad to get rid of?
***
The second my alarm rings at seven a.m., I get dressed and rush out of the room.
I don’t want to see Aoi for now. Not when he’s in that pathetic state and definitely not when he clearly doesn’t want to see me either. He’s still slumped over the table when I walk to the door.
Sighing, I turn around and carefully drop a blanket on his shoulders before I head out.
Olivia texted me back the second I messaged her to ask whether I could come by. So now I’m on my way to her place, early as fuck and exhausted as hell.
Angry tides pull me away but I’m still here, I’m still afraid. I don’t want him to hate me. I can’t live like this. He’s my sole reason to exist. Without him I’m nothing. I want to reach for his hand and hold him but now I’m too scared to dare.
The whitewashed door of Olivia’s small apartment opens up and she greets me with a casual smile. “What’s wrong? You sounded-” I throw myself in her arms and let myself unravel. “Oh.”
She hesitates at first then holds me tightly, rubbing my back in soothing circles. She doesn’t ask me anything but rather leads me into her room and closes the door behind her.
