I sit on the edge of her bed, hands cupping my face. “He- he said-”
I breathe hard, attempting to explain what happened but I just can’t. My lungs are heavy and full of misery. It swells and swells, cutting off my respiratory system.
I thought I’d be fine and that it isn’t such a big deal because he said it while drunk. It doesn’t have to mean anything. He was just angry and so was I.
His eyes were out of focus and bloodshot and dull. He wasn’t in his right mind. He didn’t mean what he said. Right? He didn’t,right?
“Visha, look at me,” she demands, kneeling down in front of me and grabbing my hands, pulling them away from my soaked face. “What happened? What did he say? Is it Aoi?”
I nod, sniffling and wiping my eyes. The tears won’t stop flowing and my vision blurs. “He said- ” I start but remembering the way he glared at me and spat those words, shatters me once again. “He hates me! Liv, he hates me.”
I can’t breathe. My voice gets stuck in my throat, and I cry until I’m shriveled up and dried out. I spill out in waves, breaking and falling apart as I reach for a semblance of hope.
“What do you mean he hates you? Why would he say that?” She frantically shakes my shoulders. “What the hell happened?”
I shake my head gasping at the little amount of oxygen I muster to inhale. “He said that he’s glad I’m leaving.”
“What?!” She jumps to her feet, raising her voice. “How could he? What the fuck?”
Striding around her dimly lit room, she grabs a random pencil lying in her way and snaps it in half. “After all the timeyou guys spent together, he has the audacity to tell you that he’s fucking glad you’re leaving? Are you kidding me?”
I grab her arm, halting her from turning into the Hulk. “Wait Liv, it’s my fault…”
“Huh? How’s it your fault?”
Her medium long hair is braided and she’s wearing an oversized black shirt with a stain on the neckline, probably from dying her hair.
I motion to her to sit. “Last night, I said horrible things to him because I was angry and jealous at how close he’s with Jason,” I confess, sniffling. “He left and only came back at five this morning. Wasted and still pissed.”
“That doesn’t mean he’s allowed to say shit like that. So, what if he’s pissed? He’s the adult, you’re the kid,” she fumes, gesticulating like crazy.
I lean back on her bed and stare at her ceiling and the humidity spots. “I know but he’s right to be mad. I told him that the only reason he sacrifices so much for me isn’t because he loves me but because he doesn’t value himself enough.”
The room plunges into silence and suddenly a hand grabs my shirt, pulling me into a sitting position. “You said what?! What the fuck is wrong with you? Just because you’re jealous doesn’t mean you can spit that kind of horrible crap at him!”
“You’re right and I know that! I’m a piece of shit and I know that. He’s right to hate me, I would too but,” my voice breaks. “I can’t live without him.”
I’m so lost.
I’m building walls but I can’t stop feeling as though the person I call home is slipping between my fingers. All I’ve beendoing is keeping secrets and lying to him. Then I snap at him out of childish jealousy and fear of losing him. Of course, he’s sick of me. Anyone would be.
I’m a nuisance, a hindrance he can’t wait to get rid of.
46
Aoi
What the hell was I thinking getting wasted when Visha was waiting at home for me?
I don’t remember exactly what happened when I got back this morning, but it can’t be good.
I see fragments of scattered memories bolt through my head, making me wince. All I can seem to remember is that I got wasted, walked an hour to Denny Blaine Park and called Amira. I vaguely remember what she told me and her ordering me to call Jason so he’d give me a ride home.
I did not obey that very mature command. Nope. I got even more wasted after walking an hour back to the bar and then called Jason and…and what the fuck did I tell him?
I can’t remember.
Whatever, because after I got home, I said something to Visha and then the door slammed behind him.
