I tried to grab the words before she could finish but I couldn’t stop her.
“I’m divorcin’ you.”
That sentence lit me on fire and everything inside me twisted so hard I felt my vision blur, I stepped right into her spaceand looked her dead in her eyes like she had just said the most disrespectful shit she ever said in her life.
“Oh yeah?” I said. “You divorcin’ me now? That’s what you think you about to do? You really think you gon’ walk out my life like I ain’t ya husband? Like I ain’t been dyin’ for you every day you been shut down?”
She swallowed hard but she ain’t move and that made somethin’ in me snap even harder.
“Nah, look at me,” I said, grabbin’ her chin and tiltin’ her face up without takin’ my eyes off her. “Say that shit again. Say you divorcin’ me. I wanna hear it from your soul so I know exactly what part of you I gotta fix.”
Her chest rose like she was tryna hold herself together.
“I’m divorcin’ you,” she whispered.
“Okay, bet,” I said, my voice calm. “Watch what the fuck happen when you think you gon’ leave me.”
I held them stupid ass papers and I ripped them bitches from the top down. I kept ripping until the shit was confetti on the floor. The pieces fell around our feet like the whole marriage had exploded right here in the middle of the room.
“You not divorcin’ me,” I said, steppin’ in even closer until our foreheads almost touched. “You not walkin’ away from me. You not startin’ no new life. You not runnin’ from me like you run from everything that scare you. We gon’ fix this shit or we gon’ fight in the middle of this room until we both crawl out bloody, but you not leavin’ me. I put that on everything I love.”
“Kay’Lo, move! Get the fuck out my face!”
But I ain’t move. I leaned in deeper, my voice low and dangerous.
“You wanna leave?” I asked. “Then you gon’ have to break every bone in my body to get out this bitch ‘cause I’m not lettin’ you go.”
“You not leavin’ me,” I said, my voice low and torn straight out my chest. “I don’t give a fuck what you tell yourself or what you think you about to do. We not done. We not over. I’m not lettin’ you walk out my life like I ain’t fight for you with my whole fuckin’ soul.”
Toni’s tears kept fallin’ but her chin lifted with all the fire she had left.
“Move, Kay’Lo!”
“No.”
She pushed me hard, but I didn’t move an inch.
She pushed me again, harder this time, hittin’ my chest with her fists when I still wouldn’t budge. She was cryin’ so hard she couldn’t breathe right. She clawed at my arms, diggin’ her nails into me, tryna peel me off her when I grabbed her waist and pulled her close.
“Let me go!” she screamed, chest heavin’, her hands still fightin’ me. “Let me go!”
“You gon’ have to scratch a nigga up, then,” I said, my voice low in her ear, rough as gravel but breakin’ all the same. “’Cause I’m not lettin’ you go nowhere.“
She cried harder, hittin’ me, pushin’ me and weak from everything she been holdin’ in for months. She tried to shove me off, and that motion sent both of us to the floor. I wrapped my arms around her tight, breathin’ heavy, my forehead pressed to hers while she sobbed.
“Toni, stop fightin’ me,” I whispered, kissin’ her cheeks, her forehead and her nose. “Please, baby… just stop. I’m right here. I’m right fuckin’ here.”
“I hate you,” she cried, her voice muffled into my neck. “I hate you so much.”
“No, you don’t.” My voice cracked for the first time. “You hurt, and it’s my fault. All of it. I’m takin’ every piece of the blame. I fucked up. I’m sorry, bae. I’m so fuckin’ sorry.”
She sobbed so hard her whole body trembled in my arms, and I held her like she was the last piece of me I had left.
“I only want you,” I whispered, kissin’ her again. “I only ever wanted you. Don’t leave me. Please, baby… don’t leave me.”
Toni cried into my chest until she couldn’t breathe, and for the first time since all this shit started, I cried too, holdin’ the woman I broke, beggin’ her with everything in me not to walk out of my life.
I’on even know how long I had been on the floor holdin’ Toni, but my arms was numb and my face was wet and I ain’t give a fuck about none of it. She was in my lap curled into my chest, her fingers twisted in my shirt like she was tryna breathe through heartbreak, and I had her wrapped up like if I let go she was gon’ disappear. We cried so long our clothes felt damp. The room felt like a grave we made together. My whole body ached from how tight I held her, but I wasn’t lettin’ go.
