Sha’Nelle glanced over at me, her smile slowin’ when she noticed I had gone quiet. “You good, bitch?” she asked.
I shook my head and laughed without humor. I was too high and too buzzed to lie, and honestly, I didn’t want to. “Nah,” I said. “I’m really not.”
She sat her drink down and turned toward me, her voice softer now. “You still thinkin’ about Kay’Lo?”
I nodded and ran my fingers through my hair, lettin’ out a long breath. “I can’t stop,” I admitted. “I tried, but my mind just keep goin’ back to him.”
“Did he try to call you?” she asked.
I shook my head. “Not since earlier. He did call, though, and I went the fuck off on him and hung up.”
Sha’Nelle sucked her teeth lightly. “Mmm. That nigga always been a lot.”
I smirked a lil’ at that and took another hit. “Yeah.”
She tilted her head, studyin’ my face. “I told you from the jump he was crazy.”
I went quiet for a second, then shook my head slow. “He not crazy,” I said, lower than before. “He just… passionate.”
The word felt strange comin’ out my mouth, and I realized this was the first time I had ever described him like that instead of callin’ him crazy or unhinged. Sha’Nelle caught it too, ‘cause her eyebrows lifted just a lil’ but she ain’t say nothin’. Sayin’ it out loud made my heart ache even more, ‘cause it reminded me how much I missed him, and how much I wished shit could be different.
“I don’t wanna talk about him no more,” I said finally, not trustin’ myself to keep goin’ down that road.
Sha’Nelle smiled and picked her drink back up. “Say less. Fuck him for tonight.”
She clinked her glass against mine, and I returned the gesture, even though my heart wasn’t celebratin’ shit.
The night kept movin’ slow, the music changin’ songs, the pool water reflectin’ the lights, and Sha’Nelle kept laughin’ andtellin’ stories like she was tryna pull me back into the moment. I laughed with her when I could, smoked when the blunt came back around, and drank enough to take the edge off, but no matter what I did, Kay’Lo stayed in my head.
Eventually, the weed had us both feelin’ heavy and tired, and Sha’Nelle stretched and yawned. I walked her to one of the guest rooms, showin’ her the big bed and the bathroom like it was a hotel. She looked impressed all over again, but when she hugged me goodnight, she held me a lil’ tighter than normal, like she could feel my heart was fucked up.
“Get some rest,” she said. “We’ll talk tomorrow.”
“Yeah,” I replied. “Night.”
I went back to my room after that, the house feelin’ too quiet without Kay’Lo in it. I changed clothes and crawled into the bed on my side, the sheets still smellin’ faintly like him, and that shit damn near took me out. I grabbed my phone and opened his contact, my thumb hoverin’ over his name while my heart raced. I wanted to call him so bad, just to hear his voice and know he was okay, but I knew it wasn’t the right move. Every time I thought about the look in his eyes earlier, I got back in my damn feelin’s.
I pulled my knees up, curlin’ into myself like I was tryna hold the ache in place. The hours passed slow as hell, each minute feelin’ like ten, and I kept checkin’ my phone even though I already knew it wasn’t gon’ light up. Part of me felt guilty, like I had abandoned my man when he was hurt too, but another part of me knew Kay’Lo was strong enough to protect himself and find his way, even if that meant doin’ it without me for now.
I stared at the dark room, listenin’ to the faint sounds of the house settlin’, and wished more than anything that he would come home in the middle of the night and crawl into bed behind me like he used to. I wanted to feel his arm around my waist andhis breath on my neck. I wanted to pretend none of this shit ever happened.
As the night kept draggin’ on and his side of the bed stayed empty, reality finally sank in.
This wasn’t gon’ be fixed tonight.
I swallowed hard and closed my eyes, lettin’ the tears come quietly, and admitted somethin’ I ain’t wanna face yet.
Whatever me and Kay’Lo used to be, whatever bond we had that felt unbreakable, it ain’t feel like I was ever gon’ get that exact version back again. And that thought hurt worse than anything we had said to each other all day.
DAYS LATER
For the past three days, me and Sha’Nelle had been movin’ around Trill-Land like we was on some soft vacation shit, even though my heart wasn’t really in vacation mode at all. I was doin’ my best to make sure my cousin enjoyed herself, ‘cause I hadn’t seen her in a minute and I knew she needed this break just as much as I did, but at the same time everything felt a lil’ off without my husband right next to me. Three days wasn’t long to most people, but for me and Kay’Lo, it felt like a lifetime had slid by with no words exchanged and no check-ins and no “where you at” texts in the middle of the night.
We had been everywhere since she landed. We hit the high-end mall that sat right along the water, the one with the glass storefronts and security everywhere, and Sha’Nelle had her mouth open the whole time like she couldn’t believe this wasreally my life. She kept grabbin’ my arm and whisperin’ how everything out here felt expensive and unreal, like the air itself had money in it. We went store to store and she tried on shoes she swore she would never buy back home, and I let her ‘cause I wanted her to feel what I felt when I first moved here. It was that feelin’ of knowin’ you made it out and landed somewhere completely different.
The second night we went out, just us, no expectations, just music and drinks and loud laughs. The club was packed with niggas that looked like they stepped out a magazine and women dressed like they knew exactly what they was doin’ with their bodies. Sha’Nelle kept leanin’ close to me yellin’ over the music about how the men out here was different. She said they walked different and talked different and even smelled different, and every time one of ‘em looked her way she smiled like she was already in love. I laughed and nodded along, even though every time I looked around all I could think about was how Kay’Lo used to pull me close in places like this and make the whole room disappear.
Durin’ the day we kept it lighter. We ate good as hell, seafood spots with open patios and views of the water where the breeze stayed cool and the drinks never stopped flowin’. We walked through markets and took pictures and joked about how our mamas would react if they could see us now. Sha’Nelle was eatin’ it up and I loved that for her, but every time my phone buzzed my heart jumped before my mind could catch up. And every single time, it wasn’t him.
