“Nah, mama,” I said calm, my voice low and even. “I got somewhere else to be in a minute.”
She paused like she ain’t expect that, then smiled anyway, leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to my neck like she was stampin’ herself there for later. “Come back soon then,” she said, already slidin’ off me.
I nodded once, still relaxed, still cool and stiff.
By the time I stood up, every head turned. I felt it without lookin’. That weight followin’ me through the room like a shadow, like niggas knew not to stare too hard and women knew exactly why they was lookin’. I walked out smooth, dapped Halo at the door, and stood outside with him for a minute while I lit another blunt.
We talked regular shit from the streets, money and how life switch up when you start livin’ different. He joked about how long it had been since he seen me, and I told him I been dealin’ with grown-man problems, the kind you don’t bring to the club unless you tryna drown ‘em.
He laughed and shook his head. “Go handle that shit,” he said.
I flicked the ash, nodded, and slid back into my whip.
The engine hummed low as I pulled off, my head buzzin’, and my chest heavy in a way liquor couldn’t touch. The whole ride, all I could think about was home, and about Toni. About how bad Iwanted to walk through the door and pull her into me like none of this shit ever happened.
I ain’t call though.
Instead, I opened her contact and checked her location, tellin’ myself I wasn’t supposed to care.
She was home.
That knowledge hit me harder than the liquor did. I drove all the way there without even realizin’ it, slowed at the gate, and stopped short. I sat there with my hands on the wheel, breathin’ through it, knowin’ damn well if I went inside right now, I would either say too much or not enough.
And neither one was good.
I sighed, ran my hand down my face, and backed away from the gate.
My heart was heavy, but my pride was heavier.
I headed to Pressure’s instead and called him on the way, tellin’ him I was pullin’ up for the night. He ain’t ask questions. He never did. When I went through his gates and walked in the mansion, it felt familiar in a way that almost hurt.
My old room was still there.
I stepped inside and froze for half a second when Toni’s old scent hit me. It was faint but still there, sittin’ in the walls like a memory that refused to leave. I sat on the edge of the bed, looked around, and my chest tightened when I spotted her heels still in the corner like she might come back for ‘em any day now.
That shit tugged at me more than I wanted to admit.
Even after everything…
Even after the fight…
I missed my wife already.
Trill-Land, ‘LoLux Estate
Sha’Nelle was in town so I was tryna make the best of it but the truth was, my heart wasn’t in half the shit my body was doin’. The sun was long gone by the time we ended up out by the pool, and the sky had that deep purple and blue mix that usually made me feel calm, but tonight it ain’t do shit for me. I had a cup in my hand and smoke curlin’ up from the blunt between my fingers, music playin’ low but clear through the speaker, and Sha’Nelle posted up on one of the lounge chairs. She kept lookin’ around like she still couldn’t believe this was really my life now, like she was waitin’ for somebody to jump out and say it was all a joke.
“Cousin,” she said, takin’ a sip of her drink and smilin’ wide. “This shit is crazy. I mean, look at this place. Pool, palm trees, big ass house. You really did that.”
I nodded and forced a smile, even though my chest felt tight. “Yeah,” I said. “It’s nice.”
She laughed. “Nice? Bitch, this is rich people nice. This ain’t even regular rich. This that movie shit.”
I chuckled soft and took a pull from the blunt, lettin’ the smoke sit in my lungs longer than I should’ve. Sha’Nelle was in love with every inch of the mansion, from the way the water shimmered in the pool lights to the way the house sat back from the road like it ain’t have to answer to nobody. She kept sayin’ how proud she was of me, how I made it up out the ghetto and married a man with real power, and I let her talk ‘cause I ain’t have the energy to correct her. From the outside, yeah, it probably looked like I was livin’ a fairytale, but inside, shit was cracked all the way through.
I kept checkin’ my phone without even realizin’ I was doin’ it. Every few minutes, my eyes dropped to the screen like it was gon’ light up on its own. It didn’t matter that I had told Kay’Lo to leave me the fuck alone earlier, ‘cause that didn’t stop the part of me that still wanted him to reach out. It was a deep pull, that sit low in your stomach and don’t give a damn about pride or logic. The same man that hurt me so bad earlier had me wishin’ he was right here with his arms around me, tellin’ me everything was gon’ be alright like he always did.
I took another sip of my drink and leaned back, starin’ up at the night sky. The weed and liquor had my body feelin’ light, but my mind was loud as hell. I kept seein’ his face in my head, the way he looked at me when I was cryin’, like he wanted to reach for me but ain’t know how no more. I knew he said some fucked up shit, and I knew it crossed a line you can’t just erase, but deep down I also knew he ain’t mean it the way it came out. That ain’t make it hurt any less, though.
