Her chest was risin’ and fallin’ fast, tears streamin’ down her face now, and that’s when it finally hit me how far I had gone.
I knew I hurt her, and I ain’t need nobody to tell me that.
Even though Toni had me fucked up, I instantly wanted to take the shit back. My body leaned forward without permission, my heart screamin’ at me to grab her, to pull her in, to kiss them tears away like I always did, but my pride locked me in place.
I had already said the shit, and there wasn’t no pullin’ that shit back. I just stood there, listenin’ to her cry hard and tell me how fucked up and wrong I was, and how her biggest regret was marryin’ me.
I stared at the tears that slid down her cheeks and dripped off her chin, her mouth tremblin’ like she was about to have a panic attack.
That hurt worse than her slappin’ me.
My chest ached so bad it felt like it was crackin’ open, and for a second I hated myself for even thinkin’ that shit, let alone sayin’ it out loud. But the damage was already done, and my pride wouldn’t let me show how bad it fucked me up that I said that bullshit to her. Shit, I was fucked up and hurt too so it was what the fuck it was.
She stared at me like she ain’t even recognize me, then shook her head.
“I can’t do this fuckin’ shit with yo’ ass no more. Fuck you!” she said, her voice wrecked.
Then she turned and walked out the room.
I stood there alone with the pills still in my hand, my face burnin’, and my heart fucked up beyond repair.
That wasn’t no argument.
That was a war.
And we both lost…
I let out a shaky breath and ran my hand over my face, feelin’ the sting behind my eyes but refusin’ to let that shit fall.
Nah…
I wasn’t finna sit here and drown in this shit.
I grabbed a duffel from the closet, threw clothes in it without even lookin’, my movements rough and automatic. I needed space. I needed air. I needed to get the fuck away before I did some real damage to somethin’.
By the time I zipped the bag and headed for the door, my chest was still hurtin’ and my head was still loud as hell, but one thing was clear.
Whatever the fuck me and Toni was about to become after today, it was what the fuck it was.
I could barely see the fuckin’ road as I pulled out the gate, tears blurring everything in front of me and my chest hurtin’ so bad it felt like somebody had reached in and squeezed my heart with they bare hands. My eyes was swollen, my throat felt raw, and no matter how many times I wiped my face with the back of my hand, more tears just kept comin’ like my body ain’t get the memo that I needed to drive.
I was late as hell pickin’ Sha’Nelle up, and any other day that alone would’ve had me rushin’ and apologizin’ in my head, already plannin’ how I was gon’ make it up to her, but today I couldn’t even focus on that. All I could see was Kay’Lo’s face, the way his eyes looked when he said that shit to me, and the way it felt like somethin’ cracked open in my chest right after.
I gripped the wheel tighter and sniffed hard, tryna pull myself together long enough to not crash this damn car. I hadcried before, but this was different. This was the kind of cry that came from a place you don’t ever wanna revisit, the kind that make your stomach hurt and your head spin and your thoughts get loud as hell.
I kept hearin’ his voice in my head, replayin’ it over and over, and the fucked up part was that it wasn’t even loud. He ain’t yell it or scream it. He just said it flat, like it was a real thought that crossed his mind and that made it worse... way worse.
Questionin’ whether I was really molested. Like, what!?
I swallowed hard and felt my chest tighten all over again. That wasn’t some shit you throw out there in an argument. That wasn’t some heat of the moment slip up. That was somethin’ that told me how he really saw me when he was hurt and angry, and that realization cut deeper than anything else he said today.
I had never lied about that shit. I never exaggerated it or twisted it to make him feel sorry for me. Why the fuck would I? That pain was real, and it shaped who I was long before Kay’Lo ever came into my life. For him to even let that thought cross his mind made me feel small, exposed, and stupid for ever thinkin’ he would always be my safe place.
My vision blurred again and I had to slow down, takin’ a deep breath through my nose and lettin’ it out slow through my mouth, remindin’ myself that I still had to get to the airport. I could not break down completely behind this wheel.
Halfway there, my phone lit up on the seat next to me, and I glanced down, already annoyed and emotional, thinkin’ it was Sha’Nelle callin’ to see where the hell I was. When I saw Kay’Lo’s name flashin’ across the screen, my whole body tensed.
I rolled my eyes hard and wiped my face again, my hand shakin’ as I picked the phone up and tossed it face down. I wasn’t talkin’ to him. Not right now, and after what he said. I ain’t have the strength to hear his voice and I damn sure wasn’t ready to hear him double down on not apologizin’.
