He stepped back just enough to give me space, even though I could tell it took effort. “I ain’t tryna scare you. I just love you.”
My heart ached at that ‘cause I knew he meant that shit…
Later that night, we ended up on the big sectional, the house quiet except for the music comin’ low through the speakers, some slow shit Kay’Lo liked when he was in his head but still tryna vibe. The lights was dim with just enough glow from the lamps to catch the ink runnin’ across his chest, arms and abs. He had just got out the shower and his skin still smelled like soap and somethin’ warm underneath it. It was that clean masculine scent that always had me weak before I even realized it.
He had on gray sweatpants that sat low on his hips. They was loose but not sloppy, and the way he was leaned back on the couch made it real hard not to notice how comfortable he was in his body, like he knew exactly what he did to me just by sittin’ there. His hair was still a lil’ damp, and his waves laid perfect while he took a slow sip of brown liquor like he ain’t have a care in the world, even though I knew better.
He reached for me without sayin’ a word, slid his hands around my waist and pulled me back between his legs like it was automatic. My back settled against his chest, and I felt all of him behind me, his thighs on either side of mine and his presence heavy in the best way. I let out a breath I ain’t even know I was holdin’ ‘cause bein’ right here with him felt too good and too dangerous at the same damn time.
His hand came up slow, his fingers movin’ through my hair and when he leaned down and pressed his lips to the top of myhead, I got chills. It was patient, and intentional, like he was sayin’ I got you without sayin’ shit at all.
“You feel good?” he asked, his voice low and smooth, vibratin’ right against me.
“Yeah,” I replied, even though my chest was tight and my thoughts was loud. “I’m cool.”
He hummed like he heard the lie but wasn’t callin’ it out. His arm wrapped around me, his palm spread flat against my stomach, and he just held me there, lettin’ the music play and the moment breathe. Every now and then he’d kiss my temple or my cheek, not pushin’, or rushin’, but just remindin’ me he was right here and not goin’ nowhere.
“I love you,” he said, soft but sure, like it was a fact and not a question.
“I love you too,” I said back, and that shit came deep, ‘cause no matter how scared I was, no matter how much my mind was spiralin’, this was still my husband, and this was still my heart sittin’ right here with him.
I stared straight ahead, lettin’ his warmth sink into me, lettin’ his fingers keep movin’ through my hair, and all I could think about was how easy it would be to give in to him completely. I thought about how easy it would be to let him pull me under, to let his confidence and his love and his promise of a future take over everything else I was afraid of.
And that was the scariest part…
‘Cause see… Kay’Lo felt good… too good. He always had, and sittin’ here with him fresh, relaxed, smellin’ good and holdin’ me like I was his whole world, I could feel how bad he wanted that next step, and how much he wanted to build somethin’ real with me.
If I let myself fall all the way into him right then, I wasn’t sure I would have the strength to pull back when I needed to.
I stayed right here in Kay’Lo’s arms, lettin’ him hold me, lettin’ the music play, and lettin’ myself feel safe for just this moment, even though deep down I knew I was conflicted about startin’ a family with him…
Trill-Land, ‘LoLux Estate
It was rainin’ hard as hell outside but I sat in my whip writin’ a letter to my wife.
The rain was beatin’ on my roof and the windshield wipers was movin’ back and forth fast as hell. The windows on the mansion was glowin’ warm in the distance, but I wasn’t ready to walk back in yet.
I stayed in the car with the heat on, my hoodie tossed in the passenger seat, my blunt burnin’ low, and my pen in my hand like a nigga was really about to do some grown man shit.
Toni done heard me talk a million times. She done heard me say sorry. She done heard me say I’m tryin’. She done heard me say I love you. She done heard all that shit, and still she lookedat me like she ain’t know what version of me she was gon’ get next.
That fertility appointment had my head twistin’ up in ways I ain’t expect, ‘cause I thought we was finna go in there and hear some sad shit, and instead we walked out with the doctor basically sayin’ my wife body was fine and my swimmers was doin’ what they was supposed to do. The lady said it in that calm voice like she was talkin’ about the weather, and Toni sat there quiet like she was tryna swallow a whole storm without lettin’ nobody see it on her face.
I had been watchin’ Toni long enough to know when she felt somethin’ deep. Toni acted tough like she was never scared, and she cussed like she could fight the world, but my girl had been holdin’ a lot inside. Lately, she been holdin’ it so tight it made me feel like I was losin’ her inch by inch. I hated that.
I also couldn’t stop thinkin’ about what that doctor visit meant for us, and why it hit me so hard that it made me want a baby right now, not later, not one day, not when everything was perfect, but right now, while we still in the middle of our mess.
A lot of niggas my age be runnin’ from kids. They be sayin’ they want freedom and fun, and I get it, but I wasn’t raised like that. I grew up watchin’ Mensah men moved like family was a flex, like marriage was a luxury, like havin’ a wife that love you was a badge and havin’ kids was legacy, and not the corny shit either, but the real shit where you leave a piece of yourself in the world after you dead and gone.
I watched my pops carry hisself like he was born to lead, and even when I ain’t agree with him, I still saw the way he stood on family like it was law. I watched my uncles move the same way, built solid, thinkin’ long term, protectin’ what’s theirs. I watched Pressure too. That nigga had a whole different kind of life now. Yeah, he was wild as hell in his own ways,but when it came to his wife and babies, he softened up without even tryin’ to, and it did somethin’ to me.
I never told nobody that either, but it’s true. Watchin’ Pressure be a father made me look at myself different, ‘cause for a long time, I had been runnin’ around actin’ like I was too hard to be gentle, actin’ like I was too dangerous to be soft, and then I see that nigga holdin’ his kids and talkin’ to them like they the most important thing on Earth, and I’m like… damn. That’s what I want. I want somethin’ that make me slow down. I want somethin’ that remind me I can’t keep crashin’ out and thinkin’ love gon’ always save me.
And if I’m bein’ real, I wanted a baby with Toni ‘cause my wife deserved somethin’ pure in the middle of all this chaos. Toni deserved to look at somethin’ we made and feel proud, not stressed. She deserved to feel like her body wasn’t just a place where pain lived, but a place where love could grow too.
That was the part I could never say right without my voice actin’ up, so I wrote it.
I stared at the blank paper again, took one more pull off the blunt, then tapped the ash out the window and started writin’ for real.
