Toni,
I ain’t good at talkin’ when I’m emotional, so I’m writing you a letter.
I been sittin’ with that doctor visit in my head ever since we left, and I keep thinkin’ about the way you looked when she said you was good. You tried to play it off like it ain’t hit you, but I know you, baby. I know your face. I know when you holdin’ somethin’ in.
I’m relieved, and I ain’t even gon’ lie about that. I’m relieved because I hate that you ever thought youcouldn’t have what you wanted. I hate that you ever thought your body wasn’t enough or that you was too hurt to be whole. You might not see yourself the way I see you, but you been strong as hell, and you been carryin’ shit you never shoulda had to carry.
I also know my love ain’t always been peaceful for you. I know I can be a lot. I know my moods be switchin’ and my pride be loud, and I know I done made you feel like you gotta watch me instead of restin’ in me. I don’t like that about myself, and I don’t like that I did that to you.
I’m tryin’, Toni. Not just sayin’ it. I’m really tryin’. I been thinkin’ about the type of husband I wanna be for you and the type of man I gotta be if I ever get blessed enough to be a father too.
I want a baby with you, and I don’t want it because I’m tryin’ to trap you or rush you or prove somethin’ to nobody. I want it because I love you like that. I want it because I wanna build a life with you that feel bigger than our problems.
I keep imaginin’ you pregnant. I keep imaginin’ you walkin’ around the house talkin’ shit with your belly out, still fine, still you, still snappy, and I keep imaginin’ me comin’ home and rubbin’ on you like I’m proud of what we made.
I want a girl. I ain’t even gon’ act like I don’t. I want a lil’ princess that look like you, with your eyes and your attitude, and I want her to soften me up in ways I don’t know how to do on my own. I know the men in my family love they sons, and they do that legacy shit, but I want an extension of you. I want somethin’ that remind me every day that I got a wife that was worth it, even when I was hard to deal with.
But I also want you to feel safe with me, and I know I gotta earn that.
So I’m not writin’ this to pressure you. I’m writin’ this so you know what’s in my heart without me messin’ it up with the wrong tone or the wrong moment. Take your time if you need it. I’m not goin’ nowhere.
You my wife, and I love you crazy.
-Kay’Lo
I read that shit back to myself twice, and the second time my throat got tight, ‘cause it felt too honest. I folded the paper neat as I could, slid it into the envelope, licked it, sealed it, then sat there holdin’ it like it was fragile.
Then I looked at the rain again and shook my head, ‘cause of course it was rainin’ on the night a nigga decided to be vulnerable. Life always got jokes.
I put the letter in my inside pocket, grabbed my phone, and checked the time.
It was 7:03 p.m. and that was perfect.
I had told myself I was gon’ come in tonight with somethin’ that made Toni feel loved, not smothered. I was gon’ come in with somethin’ that showed her I heard her, and I wasn’t just talkin’.
So I started the car back up and pulled off.
I busted a few moves, not on no long mission, but enough to get what I needed. I slid through one spot for flowers, and I ain’t grab no basic bouquet either, ‘cause Toni ain’t basic. I grabbed a big arrangement of white roses mixed with deep red ones and them soft blush ones that look expensive just by existin’, and the lady asked me if I wanted baby’s breath in it, and I told her nah, ‘cause Toni don’t like all that extra filler. I told her to make it full off real flowers.
Then I slid to the jewelry spot, ‘cause I wanted her to have somethin’ she could keep. I wanted it to be somethin’ she could put on and feel like she was bein’ celebrated. I ain’t have to look at no price tags, ‘cause money ain’t never been the problem for me.
I picked a piece that felt like Toni, not too dainty, not too loud, but still grown and still fine. I picked a tennis bracelet with the diamonds sittin’ clean and classy, and it was the type of piece you could wear with a dress or wear with a bonnet on and still look like you was somebody.
Then I did the last stop, the stop I wasn’t even sure was gon’ work.
I headed to the pharmacy…
I pulled up, rain still comin’ down, and I sat in the car for a second, my fingers tappin’ the steerin’ wheel, ‘cause I knew what this meant if they had it ready.
I walked inside, hood up, chain tucked, and went to the counter like I was just checkin’ on somethin’ regular.
“Yeah,” I told the lady, keepin’ my voice low. “I’m tryna see if I got anything left on file.”
She asked for my name and my date of birth, typed for a minute, then looked up at me like she was studying me, but I wasn’t surprised. Niggas like me don’t blend in even when we try.
“Oh, you do have a refill available,” she said.
My stomach flipped a ‘cause I wasn’t expectin’ it to be that easy, but I ain’t question it out loud. I just nodded like I knew it was comin’, paid, and waited.
