Flashback
On the way back home from the fertility clinic, my mind was all over the fuckin’place, and I couldn’t even fake like I was cool ‘cause everything I thought I knew about my body had just got flipped upside down on me. I sat in the passenger seat quiet as hell with my hands in my lap, lookin’ out the window while the buildings and traffic passed by, and even though the sun was out and shit looked normal outside, my head was loud as fuck. It felt like everything slowed down just for me while my thoughts was runnin’ a mile a minute, and no matter how hard I tried to block it out, I kept hearin’ the doctor’s voice replayin’ in my head, calm and matter-of-fact, tellin’ me ain’t nothin’ medically wrong with me, tellin’ me there was no proofI couldn’t have kids, and tellin’ me my body was fine like it ain’t never been through shit at all.
That shit sat heavy in my heart, way heavier than I thought it would, and it wasn’t relief that hit me first like people would expect. It was fear. I mean… real fear. It was the shit that creep up on you when you realize the excuse you been hidin’ behind might be gone. All this time, I really believed my body was fucked up ‘cause of the shit I went through as a lil’ girl that nobody protected, and somewhere along the way that belief turned into my shield.
Kay’Lo drove with one hand on the wheel, quiet in a way that told me he was thinkin’ too, even if his thoughts wasn’t the same as mine. He ain’t blast no music like he usually do, and he ain’t talk just to hear himself talk, which let me know he was really tryna give me space. After a minute, he reached over and laid his hand on my thigh, and that small thing grounded me more than anything else could’ve right then. I looked down at his hand, then up at his face, and even though he was keepin’ it together, I could see the confusion all over him.
I knew he was probably replayin’ what the doctor said too, tryna wrap his head around how we went from thinkin’ kids wasn’t an option to bein’ told everything looked good on both sides, includin’ his sperm count, which I knew low-key made him feel like the man even in the middle of all this. I almost smiled at that, but that smile ain’t last ‘cause reality came crashin’ right back down on me. Kay’Lo ain’t say nothin’, and neither did I, but the silence between us wasn’t awkward. It was just heavy with all the shit neither one of us was ready to say out loud yet.
When we finally pulled up to the house and the gates opened like they always do, my chest tightened ‘cause home is where the real conversations happen, and I wasn’t sure I was ready for that. Kay’Lo parked, got out, and walked around to my sidelike he always do, openin’ my door and holdin’ his hand out for me. I took it without thinkin’ ‘cause no matter how fucked up my head was, this was still my husband, and lovin’ him wasn’t easy and never had been, but it was real and it was deep and it was somethin’ I stayed fightin’ for even when that shit wore me down. We walked inside together, his grip firm but gentle, and once them doors closed behind us, the quiet in this big ass house felt loud.
Upstairs felt heavier the second we stepped off them stairs. I barely had time to turn around before Kay’Lo was on me, his tall frame takin’ up space all around me, and his hands grabbin’ my waist and pullin’ me back into him so fast my breath got stuck in my throat. His body was solid behind me, heat everywhere, and I felt his dick instantly, hard and ready, pressed right against my ass like he been waitin’ for this moment since we left that office.
“Come here,” he murmured, his voice low and rough in my ear. “Don’t pull away.”
I swallowed and tried to steady myself, but my body wasn’t listenin’ to my brain at all. His hand slid up my stomach, slow and possessive, while the other one stayed firm on my hip like he wasn’t lettin’ me go nowhere.
“Baby,” he said again, his lips brushin’ my neck. “They just told us we good.”
I closed my eyes for a second when his mouth touched my skin, soft at first, then slower, takin’ his time. His tongue traced the side of my neck, and I hated how fast my knees felt weak.
“Ain’t nothin’ wrong with you,” he continued, talkin’ right into my skin. “Ain’t nothin’ wrong with me either. You know what that mean?”
“Kay’Lo…” I tried to turn in his arms, but he tightened his grip just enough to keep me right where I was.
“That mean I can put my baby in you,” he said low, like it was sacred. “That mean I can give you a family... our family.”
My chest tightened hard, my breathin’ already off, and I hated how my body reacted before my heart could catch up.
He kissed lower, right under my ear, then whispered, “I been thinkin’ about this shit the whole drive.”
I shook my head, my voice shaky. “Baby...”
His hand slid higher, his thumb pressin’ just enough to make me gasp a lil’, and I could feel how bad he wanted me to give in.
“Imagine you pregnant,” he murmured. “Imagine me comin’ home and you round as hell, still fine, still mine.”
My heart started poundin’ in my ears.
“A baby girl,” he went on, his voice softenin’ just a lil’. “Lookin’ just like you. Same eyes, and full lips as you. I’ll spoil the shit outta her… and you.”
I sucked in a breath, my body reactin’ before my mouth could say a damn thing.
“I’ll have you laid up,” he went on, his voice smooth and confident, like he was paintin’ the picture for both of us. “Feet up. Cravin’ whatever the fuck you want, ‘cause you my baby. You say tacos at three in the mornin’, I’m outside gettin’ tacos at three in the mornin’.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, my body leanin’ back into him even though my mind was screamin’.
“‘Lo, stop,” I whispered. “Please.”
He paused. Not immediately, but enough that I felt the shift. His mouth left my neck, his hands slid back to my waist, and when he turned me around to face him, his eyes was dark and conflicted, desire still there but somethin’ hurt underneath it.
“You don’t want that?” he asked.
I looked up at him, tears burnin’ the back of my eyes. “I want peace.”
I could tell my words hit him. I could see it in the way his jaw tightened and then released, and in the way he nodded once like he was tellin’ himself to chill.
“A’ight,” he said low. “I hear you.”
