“She… she wants nothing to do with me. I was brought into this world under the worst circumstances, Linc. Nobody wants me,” she cries.
I hold her tighter.
“You’re wanted, Penny.”
“I’m an obligation to my parents. I’m turning fucking thirty and I don’t have my shit together. Fucked my cousin through a glory hole, and found out the base of my existence is horrific.”
“You’re not an obligation,” I tell her.
She just cries, pouring it all out to my hazmat suit. She doesn’t say any more, everything she needed to get out has already been said.
I always thought Penny was happy-go-lucky. Maybe she took the wrong turn with guys, was a little free, but always happy. To see her like this makes her feel more familiar than ever.
I understand Penny on a level I don’t think anyone else does. Maybe because of our shared shame or negative thinking.
Except as I watch her crumble before me, all I can think about is how I want to take away her pain.
She cries as our time ticks down and the teenager working opens the door. He looks uncomfortable but nods his head.
“The smash room can be really cathartic,” he says.
I roll my eyes, pulling off my goggles and hand them to him. Penny doesn’t move, so I unzip her suit, helping her undress and giving it back to the kid. She seems like she’s in a near catatonic state on the way home.
She’s quiet, and her eyes are droopy by the time we get back to the apartment. I take her into her room and tuck her into her bed, not wanting to cross any boundaries with changing her clothes.
I’m about to leave as I push the blankets to her chest.
“Stay,” she whispers.
I don’t even have to think about it, as I climb in on the other side, fully dressed. She places her head against my chest.
It should feel uncomfortable and awkward, yet it feels fucking right.
“Don’t tell anyone about the letter, please.”
“Are you sure?” I ask.
“Please.”
I nod and she falls asleep.
What’s one more secret between us?
15
DISASSOCIATE
Lincoln leftat some point in the morning. He didn’t say goodbye or anything else. I’m glad he didn’t make it awkward, yet I touch the cold spot in the bed, wishing it was warm.
What the actual fuck?
I swipe my eyes, thinking about how I hadn’t slept basically since that night at Avalon. The next morning, the PI stopped by and handed everything to me with an apology.
Clearly, the universe decided my rock bottom was indeed not the actual bottom. I think my life actually dug out a piece of the earth’s core to have me land at this actual bottom.
I’ve felt a little lost my whole life. Not that I didn’t love my family or parents. It was always the why.
Why didn’t my birth mother want me? Why did she wait so long to put me in the system, and this underlying feeling of not being good enough that has carried throughout my entire life?
