I’ve searched for validation in the comforts of a romantic partner with no success. I’ve never been good enough for anyone, and still now it feels like I’m not good enough for my birth mother.
Her trauma is real, her pain is real, but so is mine. I’m allowed to be hurt and upset while also understanding where she’s coming from—it’s just not the outcome I wanted.
I turn on my phone and schedule an emergency appointment with my therapist, who can do a virtual appointment in an hour.
I kick my feet on the side of my bed and scrub my face. Working on the will to get up and shower.
Over my shoulder, I look at the spot where Lincoln slept and held me. He was there for me; he provided me comfort in a non-judgemental way that I never expected from him.
The sleepover was innocent. Yet it felt like more.
We’ve never been affectionate with each other as we aged and last night felt like one of the most emotionally intimate moments of my life.
Lincoln knows more about what’s going on with me than my parents. Jessa is becoming a close friend, but we aren’t close enough for her to know everything. I like being bubbly around people; it makes them like me.
It’s easier to put on a face of happiness than to have someone ask what’s wrong with you.
So that’s what I do—what I do best.
I dissociate.
“Is everything alright, Penelope?”my mother asks softly next to me.
“Yeah, everything’s good,” I smile, and take a sip of the margaritas she made.
“Are you nervous about the event tomorrow? Aiden said you worked so hard planning it.”
“No, Mom. Everything is fine. I just need to get some more sleep.”
She gives me a look like she isn’t fully convinced, but she leaves it alone, thankfully. There’s too much going on in my life to even scrape the surface about how everything is, in fact, not fine.
“Are you planning on bringing anyone to The Bahamas?” my aunt Maggie asks, and I shake my head. “Just wanted to get an idea for head count so we can plan and see if we need to rent additional space.”
“No, I’m firmly off men right now.”
“Wise choice,” she says glaring at her husband, who’s sitting in the living room.
“What did he do?” my mom asks her sister.
“Came home at three in the morning last night. He acts like he’s in his thirties, not his sixties. Grow the fuck up,” she hisses and I smile.
“When the time is right, you’ll find someone, Penny,” my mother says, brushing down my hair.
It’s so annoying when people say shit like that, but I just nod my head, not wanting to talk about it.
Especially considering the last man I was with is her nephew.
I grimace and take another sip of my margarita.
Gavin comes strutting over with a big smile on his face. “We’re playing corn hole. Come join us.”
I glance over at Lincoln, who is just swirling his drink and staring down at it. I take a deep breath, force a smile on my face, and nod my head.
Aiden and Lincoln are on a team against the twins as I sit in my chair and continue to drink away my problems.
“You good Pen?” Ben asks and I want to toss myself into the lake.
It’s that obvious that I’m not fine. Clearly my mask is slipping.
