She shrugs her shoulders as we eat peacefully. It almost feels like a mortal date the way we’re with each other right now. Simple, carefree, and natural. As natural as sitting in Satan’s manor can be.
She licks the underside of the spoon and looks back at me, her hand cupping the side of my face. “You’re sure that you’re ready?” she asks.
I swallow thickly. “I know what I’m going to have to do. I’m ready.”
She doesn’t pressure me any more than that. Doesn’t harp on how I shouldn’t come or that I haven’t done the things the others have. Mara puts the ice cream away, and we lie on the bed together. Her head is nestled in the crook of my shoulder, and I feel so content.
“I almost want to keep you as sweet as you are now. Things are different when you take a life,” she says softly.
“I’m a demon. I can handle it.”
She sits up so she can push my hair back and trace the tattoos on my throat. “You didn’t belong down here, Judd,” she says tenderly. I know she doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want me here, but that my deeds, which lead me to Hell, aren’t as bad as they should have been, especially when compared to others who ended up here.
“Wasn’t good enough for Heaven, I guess.”
“Just another reason to bring them down. Stuck-up entitled assholes,” she says in my defense, and I shake my head.
“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else,” I tell her honestly, and she cuddles back up next to me, her fingers exploring my chest and exposed skin. It’s a sweet kind of intimacy I’ve never experienced.
“Me either. I’ve never truly had a home before. But Hell, being here with you, Elvor, and—” She gives me a soft smile before continuing, “—My family... it finally feels like I found a place where I belong. It’s worth fighting for.”
I push her hair from her face and kiss her temple. “You’re worth fighting for. I couldn’t have cared if Lucifer destroyed my soul before you came here. Sure, Hell is my home, but sweetheart, you’re my fucking reason to live.”
She crawls over my body and cups my face. Mara kisses away any doubts about what we’re going to get sucked into. But I can’t help this lingering feeling that my time with Mara is about to get cut short.
I’d rather die an honorable death than not fight for what’s mine.
* * *
I can’t sleep at the manor. It has more to do with being around Lucifer than anything. Mara understands, but it still pisses her off. I waited for her to fall asleep before I left and portaled to Elvor’s apartment.
I’ve been staying here since we got back to Hell. My place is the fucking worst, and even if Elvor’s is one of the hottest places in the realm, at least it has some creature comforts, including the large fae demon I’ve become a little co-dependent on.
My life has gotten significantly better now that I have Elvor and Mara telling me what to do. It might be short-lived since I’ve decided I need to be a part of this war.
But the thought of sitting back, sitting here cushy in Hell… I can’t stomach it. Maybe it’s some pathetic attempt of trying to prove that I deserve Elvor and Mara. Or maybe it’s because I’ve been considered a failure my whole life, and I want to prove to myself that I am worthy of this eternal life that I’ve been gifted.
Elvor isn’t in the apartment, and I make myself comfortable, taking off all my clothes except my boxers and lying down on the bed. The sheets are paper thin, but anything thicker and you’ll be sweating all night.
I try to calm my mind and rest, but all I can think about is the impending doom we’re all about to face.
What am I so afraid of? Killing an angel? Or the possibility that my pride is about to get me killed? Or maybe it’s that Mara and Elvor will have to work harder to keep me safe.
I wish I had a special ability. I have the standard demon abilities, such as strength, and I’m decent at compulsion. Besides that, I’ve got nothing else. I don’t have Elvor’s paralysis. Toth’s ability to portal as often and with as many tag-alongs. Mara’s powers are too many to list.
I’m just extremely ordinary.
The door clicks, and the fireplace lights up Elvor’s form. He doesn’t say anything as he looks over at me. His eyes narrow for a moment, but he goes to the restroom to clean himself up from whomever he was visiting in the pit.
Seeing him covered in blood doesn’t disturb me, it just makes me feel less than. I wish I could be as easily ruthless and violent as Elvor and Mara, but I’m not. Maybe Mara’s right, I never belonged here.
But I’ve never felt like I truly belonged anywhere. Earth was painful, and so was Hell until I met Mara.
I really want to stick something into my body that will take all these feelings away. Numbness has always been my closest friend, and I miss it dearly. The way it feels not to feel anything is one of the most addictive things in all the realms.
I’m nearly up out of the bed and getting dressed to go to the club when Elvor appears in front of me.
“Lie back down,” he commands, holding the towel around his waist. “Now.”
