I’m not sure what he sees on my face, but he shakes his head. “I don’t know what you did, but I’m going to find out. I’m not going to let you ruin everything your father built in Hell, either. You might be the strongest weapon we have, but you have no experience in this situation. You will listen to me, do you understand?” he commands. His tone is thick and heavy, and I can’t help but think of all the nasty, perfect things he said to me when we were together. “You won’t disappoint me,” he says.
It feels like all the air leaves my lungs. Does he remember me throwing those words at him during our heated passion? No, there’s no fucking way.
I stand from my seat and look down at him. His brown eyes look up at me like he’s trying to solve a puzzle or crack me open like an egg.
“I promise to stop disappointing you, Toth.” I watch the words sink into his mind, and I swear I see a gentle softness take over his features.
Nope, I can’t let Toth be sweet. I can’t let his grumpiness endear me to him. I’ve set him free, what he would have wanted. A demon like Toth thrives on control and structure. He said so himself how impulsive and unpredictable I am.
He isn’t like Elvor and Judd, and he never will be. I need to leave this infatuation behind along with this consuming need to make Toth mine. I need to leave him alone.
After the war, I’ll ask my dad to give him a different position. One where we aren’t around each other as much. I know he’ll be devastated, but I’m selfish.
If I can’t have him, if he doesn’t want me for me, then this will have to be the best solution.
“Goodnight, Toth,” I mutter as I leave the room. The demon says nothing in reply, and all I can hope is that he stops asking me about the memories I stole from him, yet I continue to cherish them with my whole heart.
Chapter25
It’s the calm before the storm, I know that, and so does everyone else in Hell.
Mara, Elvor, and even Toth have been helping to prepare me. While they teach me, they also prepare themselves for the inevitable.
Not that they need much training. Toth and Elvor have both seen war as mortals and as demons. It comes so effortlessly to them, and I have to constantly stop myself from comparing myself to them. I’m adamant that I need to help with the war effort. My need to be someone worthy is probably going to get me killed.
It’s at least a sinful blessing that I don’t have to worry about Mara. There is this lingering fear of a weapon being used that we have no idea about, but it’s been explained to me that so far, none of the weapons created in Hell or Heaven have worked on her. Lucifer is adamant that she has his curse, the curse of indefinite mortality.
I know I’m the weakest link in the group. It’s why I’m pushing myself beyond anything I ever have in any of my lives.
Not only do I want Mara to see me as a strong, worthy demon, but I think I’m also trying to prove it to myself.
Throughout every form of my existence, I’ve been considered weak in both mind and body. I don’t want to be that anymore. Mara makes me want more, and so does Elvor.
Neither of them go easy on me; they don’t pity me or baby me, and I’m thankful for it. I need to be ready. We all need to be ready.
I don’t even speak the fact out loud—that I’d never taken a life before—well, I guess I did take my own, but it wasn’t on purpose. I’ve never wielded a weapon and watched the lights go out of another individual. But I’m prepared for it. Whatever I have to do to make sure this small piece of happiness I found is protected.
Lucifer has been making more corporeal demons, nearly exhausting himself in the process. Mara asked if she could help, but he told her no, that she needed her strength to fight.
“That’s enough for today,” Toth says dryly as I look around the room. Mara has a small sheen of sweat on her skin, and so does Elvor. They both have smiles on their faces as they join me, where I continue throwing daggers.
“Come on, Judd. It’s time to relax,” Mara encourages in her soft voice.
How the fuck am I supposed to relax? She shakes her head and grabs my hand. “Elvor has some work in the pits to do. Come, hang out with me?” she asks. And how the fuck am I supposed to refuse that?
“Okay,” I sigh, and she smiles. Elvor places kisses on the top of both of our heads before he portals back to the pit. “Does he really have work to do?”
“Something about his dad needing a manicure,” she replies.
I click my tongue and nod. The fact that my two partners spend time in the pit torturing their parents is more endearing than it is worrisome. I’m sure, given the opportunity, many demons would do the same.
“What did you want to do tonight?” I ask her, already knowing her answer. She just portals us to her bedroom turns on the television, and grabs a pint of ice cream for us to eat.
I’m not sure what Mara’s fascination is with this show. This woman degrades and berates both the children and their parents when they don’t perform to her standards.
“One day, Tabby Leigh is going to come to Hell, and I’m going to beg my dad to make her corporeal. Can you imagine having multiple dance troupes in Hell and making them compete against each other?” she rambles excitedly. “Of course, I’ll be on Tabby’s team. We can make Lisa the other team captain.” She laughs but then winces. “Oh shit, I forgot I stuffed her corpse in a closet,” she mumbles.
I can’t help but laugh as I shrug. “She won’t be missed, and I’m sure Elvor took care of it.”
