“What?”
“You want her to be safe? The safest place for her is away from you as you just made very clear.”
I shake my head in complete disagreement, and Kas scoffs. I both want her safe, and to be somewhere I can always keep an eye on her. I am, at my core, still extremely selfish.
“She’s not okay.” My heart sinks, and I deflate, sitting back down in my chair. “She needs to find herself, Lucifer. She barely got to live before she died, and she’s just supposed to know how to fit into an ancient political structure? Your expectations are too high. She wasn’t even out of college; she killed her last boyfriend for fuck’s sake, and you want an eternity-long relationship with her?”
“She belongs here.” I know I sound like a petulant child, and Kas shows her surprise with an arch of an eyebrow.
“I’m not saying she doesn’t belong here. What I am saying is that everything that has happened has been out of Lilith’s control. She needs time to figure out what she wants. Wouldn’t you rather her want to be here willingly instead of forced?”
“I’ve waited so long.” I pout, scrubbing my hand over my face, knowing that I sound difficult and needy. To be honest I’m not sure why I’m even arguing with Kas. As much as I hate to say it, she’s right. Lilith will be safer on Earth right now, and a sick part of me wants it to be her choice to come back to Hell, to come back tome. Not the dagger, not the connection I feel, I want Lilith to truly and honestly want to be with me. It’s why I kept the past to myself, because I want to be wanted.Pathetic.
I feel like a complete fool as the thoughts race through my head. Why couldn’t this have all been simpler? I suppose nothing is simple when you live forever. Truly a little more time is nothing either, I can learn more patience.
“What’s a few more years? She needs to figure out who she is as Lilith. She’s always been a twin, and now you want her to be the consort to the king of Hell. What you’re asking of her is impossible.”
I rub my chin and take in the demon’s words. “Will you at least update me?”
Kas rubs the back of her neck. “Will you stay away until she’s ready if I update you?” I nod, knowing I can stay out of sight, but not away. But if these are the terms, then I will meet them.
“I will.”
“Okay. I will keep her safe until she’s ready.Ifshe’s ever ready.” I am a patient man, but the idea of Lilith never being mine makes me sick. I nod, knowing that I hate everything about this plan, but if this is the only way for Lilith to heal, and eventually forgive me, then I’ll take it. As much as I hate to admit it, being away from me is probably the safest place for Lilith right now.
I don’t know what her angel sister was thinking when she came to Hell, but it had an ominous feeling to it. The only reason I would imagine her doing something suicidal like that was because she either had a death wish or there was something urgent that she needed to tell Lilith, which is equally as concerning.
“Is there anything I can do for now?”
Kas sighs and shakes her head. “No, I’ll take it from here.”
I sigh, pouring a glass of whiskey. She’s being taken away from me again, and I wonder about the cruelty of it all. The fact that I met her in her past life just for her to be taken away from me. The creation of the dagger and having it held above my head as a constant reminder of what I lost. Then finding Lilith but her wanting nothing to do with me. It’s like God is continuing to punish me every day.
Kas taps her hip once. “Any sign of Michael?”
I shake my head no, and see the anxiety flood her face. “Summon me if anything is wrong,” I instruct, and she nods, portalling back home.
Tracking Lilith when I need to won’t be difficult, but for now, all I want to do is sulk and think back on all my decisions. How hiding her pushed her away, how protecting her outwardly looks like I choose everyone but her.Why would she want to be with me?I don’t deserve her, but that won’t stop me from making sure that she’s alright.
She might hate me, and honestly, rightfully so, but all I want to do is rewind time and make better decisions. I down my drink and pour another. Maybe if I drink enough it will make this feeling of loss go away.
A merely semi-significant amount of mortal time later…
Every single fucking day I think about dragging Lilith back down to Hell with me. Wrapping a chain around her neck and tying her to my bed. As dark as the thoughts are, I can’t feed into them. Just like I can’t help the fact that she doesn’t want to be with me. That this pull—this fate I’ve been saddled with—it’s one-sided,again. I also don’t do it because she seems genuinely happy here on Earth. Seeing her happy only reaffirms my decision to let her live out her existence here in this realm. To experience more of the world and hope with every fiber of my being that she somehow chooses me. It feels like the longer we’re apart, the less likely that idea becomes reality.
I can’t spend much time away from Hell, but when I do, it’s to see Lilith or check in on Blair.
I watch as she dances next to Kas. The club is a supernatural one, and it’s not to my taste. Red beaming neon lights are what make the club luminescent. The black linoleum floor sticks to the bottoms of my shoes. This place is seedy and has none of the opulence of what I offer in Hell, but maybe that’s the point. She has a glittering smile on her face, and she grabs Kas’ hands as they sway to the music. It might be pathetic but I’ve become a bit of a stalker. I can’t help myself, and it’s moments like this that make me hate that Kas was right. I never saw that smile in Hell. The way that she opens up, looking so free right now, I never got that side of Lilith.
However, I’m still a possessive asshole, and my threat to her still stands. As I watch the werewolf grip her hip and dance behind her my blood heats. I have to clench my fist and dig my nails into my palm to prevent myself from going up to him right now and ripping out his heart in the middle of the dance floor. I don’t miss the slight flinch Lilith makes when he touches her, but she continues smiling and dancing all the same. The dog-man scooches up closer to her, his chest pressed against her back, and Lilith pushes herself closer to Kas. I consider jumping in, but before I do, Lilith swings around. The full force of her demon strength shows as she smacks the man across his mouth, she hits him so hard that he lands on the sticky bar floor. Deep red blood pools from his mouth and stains his beard as he glares up at Lilith.
“What the fuck, bitch?”
“Don’t touch me,” she says to him, turning back around and dancing with Kas. I’m just itching to hurt him. For a multitude of reasons; that he touched what belongs to me, that she didn’t want him to, and he called her a bitch.
Only when his large hand grips Lilith’s ankle, nearly making her fall, is when Kas steps in. She stomps the skinny part of her shoe down hard on his wrist, the stiletto piercing the flesh. The werewolf howls in pain, and I can’t help but smirk at the irony.
“Motherfucker! These are satin, his blood will never come out,” Kas complains, shaking her head. Lilith bends down and riffles through his back pocket. The man is completely oblivious, more concerned with holding his wrist.
