July 18th
Dear Charlotte,
What the actual fuck? An email? You broke up with us in an email! Anders and Eli assure me that you will come around. That something must have happened to make you walk away. We’ve had months to talk about the draft and what was going to happen. Why wouldn’t you speak up and tell us what’s bothering you? Why the fuck did you leave? I’m hoping you come to your senses soon because I’m fucking losing it. The only bright spot about going back to Canada was that you would be there with me part of the time. Please un-fucking-block our numbers, and speak to us.
For fuck’s sake,
Mikael
August 15th
Dear Charlotte,
I hate you today. And I know that hate is a strong word, but right now all I can feel is hate. Because you were the first person I let in, and you fucking ruined it. Am I that big of a piece of shit that you won’t even tell me what I did wrong?
Hate,
Mikael
August 25
Charlotte,
You’re really just going to fucking never talk to us again? After all this declaration of being scent matches and how you don’t run away from your scent matches. You know I wanted you to come to Canada first? So we could pick out an apartment, and I could finally tell you that I loved you? I wanted to get a fucking ground-floor apartment, so Hank wouldn’t have to take the elevator. I had it all planned out.
I’m glad I didn’t say it now. That I was waiting. Why would I tell you I love you when you clearly don’t give a shit about me?
Mikael
September 13th
I’m starting to hate this fucking journal and how pathetic it makes me. I met a girl at a bar tonight, and I wanted to fuck her so badly, just to get you out of my system. I couldn’t, and it’s your fault. If you’re going to leave me, you should at least let me live.
Mikael
September 30th
Do you even care that Anders and Eli did everything possible to get us traded to the Foxes? You don’t deserve their devotion. I hope they come to their senses soon.
Mikael
October 19th
I hate that I saw you today. Hate that I was mad about seeing you next to that old man. Hate that you made Anders cry and Eli has his hopes up. I wish you would leave.
Mikael
November 3rd
I want you out of my head. I want you away from Anders and Eli. This is too much, and I don’t want to feel like this anymore. When you look at me, I feel like I’m a worthless piece of shit, and that’s your fault.
Mikael
I close the journal on a sob, half of the writing now skewed with tears. I throw the offensive purple notebook on the floor, and Hank immediately is in my face, licking my tears. There’s so much to unpack in his letters to me.
There’s so much hurtful anger in his words, and there’s a part of me that hates Mikael back for making me feel this way. There’s no sympathy in how he treats me, and after reading his thoughts, all I feel is even worse after my encounter. I wonder how it’s possible to love someone but still want to hurt them so badly. Because that’s what Mikael is doing to me, and currently I don’t think I would take him back if he simply apologized.
I know deep down he never wanted me to read this journal, and I’ve only done this to myself by stealing it and reading it, but fuck. There’s only so much I can take. I’m still trying to heal, grieve, and come to terms with possibly reconciling with them.
