At this moment, that’s only true for Anders and Eli. I think back to my conversation with Piper at the coffee shop.If they aren’t willing to make it work, they aren’t worthy of you.
The fact is, the man that Mikael is right now is not worthy of me, and I’ll be damned after everything I’ve been through. I will not let a man make me feel the way he did tonight.
Hank nudges me with his big head, and I pet him, which somehow always brings me comfort. It doesn’t hurt that my clothes smell like the three of them. Even if I feel my own level of hate for Mikael right now, my body doesn’t get the message about his scent.
I inhale the collar of my dress and sigh, wondering why one fucking thing in my life can’t be simple. I’m still angry when I decide to add my own entries beneath his. I grab my purple pen, and my bubbly font is a stark contrast to his dark, scratchy writing. I think back on these dates he has on his letters and think about my mindset during that time. It’s not a pretty reflection.
July 18th
Dear Mikael,
Piper had to drag me into the shower today because I couldn’t do it myself. This might hurt you, but none of you have been on my mind this past week. I feel nothing. I spend most of my time sleeping, wishing I would wake up from this nightmare.
Not everything is about you,
Charlotte
August 15th
Dear Mikael,
I hate myself today, like I do every day. I wear guilt like it’s a badge of honor. What could I have done differently? What could you have done differently? What if you answered your phone? What if I called an ambulance instead? I put all of our things in a box. Piper said it’s sunny out, and she wants me to go on a walk with her. I just want to lie in bed and feel nothing.
No one hates me as much as I do,
Charlotte
August 25
Mikael,
I had plans for us too. Big plans. But nothing seems like it’s worth planning without my mom here. Not when hockey will always come first, when I can’t trust my own scent matches to be there for me. I’m better off alone, and you probably will be too.
Charlotte
September 13th
I want to forget that I have scent matches every day. I wish we never met. If we never met, then I wouldn’t know what I left behind. Truth is, if you really wanted me, you could have tried harder. We’re better off without each other.
Charlotte
September 30th
I don’t deserve anything.
Charlotte
October 19th
I hate that I saw you all today. It was easier to forget, to think of you as this imaginary concept that wasn’t real. But you are real, and the looks you all gave me shattered me. I wasn’t prepared to see any of you and what emotions that would bring back for me. I’ve only been off my high grade suppressants for one day, but I don’t like how I feel. I don’t like feeling at all. I’d rather stay numb and forget all of you. Why can’t this be easy? Why is none of this ever easy for me?
Charlotte
November 3rd
I wish you could see what I went through and have more compassion for my situation. I didn’t leave to hurt you all. I left because I was broken. I haven’t been a functioning human for the last four months. You’ve still been functioning, doing what you love with your best friends by your side. I can understand why you’re hurting, but don’t you care about how broken I am? I plan on being a better Omega for Anders and Eli. But at this point, I’m wondering if we forced being together, and maybe our being scent matches is a fluke. I’m ready to let you go if that’s what you want. Just know that I deserve more than an Alpha who lacks empathy and understanding. You hurt me too.
Charlotte
