I clear my throat and really think about it. “Like I’ve been asleep for the last four months and I finally just woke up again.”
She nods her head behind me. “I’m always going to be here for you, no matter what. But I saw the look on Eli’s face this morning. It was like he would rather eat his own hand than leave you. Maybe give them a chance, and maybe bring them to therapy with you.”
I scoff, thinking about Janet and how we have an appointment today. “Janet would love that.”
“No offense, but I’ve never seen you hate someone like you hate Janet. Why?”
“She’s a nosy bitch.”
Piper laughs behind me. “Maybe you should stop thinking of Janet as someone who is out to get you and someone who’s there to help you and maybe, just maybe, she’ll be able to help you through this.”
“Ew, when did you get so pragmatic?”
“Ugh, it must be medical school.” She laughs, and I do the same. Some of the weight that was piling on my chest falls off piece by piece. This is the easiest conversation Piper and I have had in months.
“Thank you for being my person, Piper.”
“Always,” she says, giving me a tight squeeze. I don’t know how I got the most amazing best friend in the world, or my scent matches. But they’re all right. I need to figure out what’s going on with me emotionally and with my brain chemistry after being on high dose suppressants for so long. This is me making the changes I need to make. I can’t keep living in this dark void. My parents wouldn’t want it, and neither do I.
Chapter thirty-five
Janetsitsacrossfromme, and it’s like I see her with clear eyes. I’m not sure why I felt so adversarial to her, but when I look at her now, I think about what Piper said. I’m supposed to be here for help. Janet isn’t judging me. She’s trying to figure out how to help me. I go through everything that happened last night, and Janet listens carefully.
“Can we go back to the part where you mentioned everything crashing down and feeling like a veil is being ripped off?” Janet asks.
I nod and take a deep breath. If I want to be better, I need to be vulnerable. “It’s like everything feels brighter. I feel more, and I can’t shut my thoughts or emotions off like I used to on the higher dosage. I still don’t feel great, and to be honest, feeling all of this shit sucks. But I feel more like myself again.”
Janet writes everything down and looks at me with compassion in her eyes. “I’m going to be sending this to the FDA. Depression is one of the biggest symptoms with this medication, but to the extent you were at, even with an antidepressant, is concerning. I wouldn’t recommend this high of a dosage to my patients.” I nod and understand where she’s coming from, but I also know the state that I was in when my mother passed. This was the best alternative for me. I needed to pause my heat. Hell, I needed to pause my whole life. It just shouldn’t have gone on for this long, and I hope the effects aren’t detrimental.
“With how you’re feeling, I’m not worried about any long-term side effects. I just want to manage your depression and make sure we get you to a place where you feel like yourself again.”
I have a new appreciation for Janet, and it’s the first time I feel like I can ask for advice. “I’m not sure how to talk to them.”
“Your scent matches?” I nod, and she smiles. “Eli seemed more than happy to be with you the other night and take care of you. It doesn’t seem like he blames you, and he even took responsibility for their actions and how that made you feel. It sounds like he would love to reconcile and be there for you as long as you would let him.”
I nod and know that Anders would feel the same way. But Mikael is never easy, and I don’t expect him to be on this either. He asked me not to break him. I remember it like it was yesterday, and I can’t help but feel like I did. Janet looks at me like she knows my mind is churning, and if there’s any place to let this out, I should do it now.
“I’m afraid to let them back in,” I whisper.
“Because you’re afraid of giving them the power to hurt you?” I nod, and Janet gives me a gentle smile.
“That’s what love is all about, unfortunately. Giving the other person or people the power to hurt you. But it’s a risk worth taking, especially in your case. I know that it’s not fair that you go into heat or have the physical and emotional needs that you have. But you need Alphas, and the universe gave you scent matches for a reason.”
“Because I’m fucking difficult.” I didn’t mean to say it out loud, but I do.
“It’s refreshing to get to see your personality come through finally.”
I smile at Janet. She looks like she’s seen a ghost, and I guess I’ve never smiled at the poor woman before.
“Thanks for today, Janet.”
“Of course, my homework for you is to list out your fears, but to also list out all your hopes for the future.”
I nod and shake her hand before leaving the office. Just like that, it feels like another chunk of weight has been taken off of my chest.
Eli does as he promised and comes to get Hank with me. The big lug seems to be completely fine, and the relief that floods me is visceral. Eli seems a little off from this morning as he drives Hank and I back to the house.
“Eli, is everything okay?”
