“You’re not broken.” That makes me sob even more.
“I am, Eli. I’m so fucking broken I can barely get by day to day. Sometimes I don’t even get out of bed or brush my teeth. Sometimes I wish that I could just be sedated until these feelings go away. And right now, I feel like I’ve ruined everything and deserve to be this way.”
He pushes my face closer to his chest. There isn’t a part of us that isn’t touching. “Charlotte, I don’t know what to say that would help. I just want you to know that I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Why are you being so nice?”
He kisses the top of my head, and I shiver. “You’re my Omega, Charlotte. That never stopped. I knew something bad must have happened for you to disappear on us. I’m so fucking sorry about Kathy. She was the kind of mom I always wished I had.”
I sniffle at the mention of my mom’s name. “It was worse when I saw the Instagram stories and none of you had answered the phone.”
He backs away from me slightly on the bed, giving us about a foot of space as he looks at me, his brow furrowed in confusion. “The what?”
“When we couldn’t reach you, I looked at your agent’s Instagram. There were pictures of you all partying, and Betas were all around you in the pictures. That, on top of your parents and so many other people telling me that this would never work out, I guess I just thought it would be easier to end it there. I was already on the suppressants and felt so numb, I thought I was protecting myself.”
“Fuck,” he grumbles, pulling me closer to his chest again. “I didn’t know there were pictures. You have to know that we would never cheat on you. None of us have touched anyone else since we last saw each other. You’re it for us. But I can see how seeing those pictures would hurt you. I’m so fucking sorry, baby.” I cry softly at his acknowledgement of what they did as being hurtful. Even if what I did was worse, I wasn’t in a state of mind to see rationally. I don’t even know if I am now. “I would do anything for you. I wish that we could have been there for you. I hate knowing you’ve been hurting all this time.”
“It really hurts.” And it does. It feels like I’ve cut my heart out and presented it to Eli on my bed. Hearing someone say my mom’s name, thinking about that night and the past couple of months, it hurts deeply. It’s like I was in a cloud of fog that suddenly cleared, and I can see my life for what it truly is. A complete fucking mess that feels like it’s my own doing. I could have had this—this sweet Alpha wrapping his arms around me and comforting me this whole time. I suffered alone. Why? Because of guilt? Because I was so afraid they would hurt me that I hurt myself instead?
I want this pain to go away. I don’t want to feel it. Part of me wishes I could get back on the high dosage suppressants, but another part of me knows that I need to sit in this pain and reflection. The only way I’m going to heal and move forward is to truly feel the weight of everything. I cry softly with all these thoughts raging in my mind.
Eli pets my hair, his scent is heavy in the room, and I wonder if he’s projecting because of my distress. I don’t deserve him, but at this moment the only thing making me feel somewhat like everything will be okay is his presence. I push myself so close to his chest that all I can smell is pine. He pets my hair and whispers softly to me, “Get some rest, Charlotte. I’ve got you.”
“Stop, or you’re going to make me start sobbing again.”
“If that’s what you need,” he says and just like that, I’m crying again. I hate this so much, but at some point I must cry myself to sleep.
“Char, baby,” a soft voice says. It’s definitely a dream. There’s no way Eli’s in my bed. I must still be sleeping. “I’ve got to go to morning skate. I’ll be back later to help you pick up Hank.”
Yesterday and last night come flooding back to me, and I blink my eyes open, which sting like a motherfucker. I wince, and two giant hands are on my cheeks. “What’s wrong?”
“Slept with my contacts on, fuck.” I roll my eyes and blink a few times before I give up and have to take them out. Eli is a blur in front of me, which just adds to the theory that this isn’t real. “Just you, this afternoon?”
“Yeah, just me. I won’t bring Anders or Mikael.” I nod, not knowing if that’s what I truly want. All I know for certain is I wish Eli wasn’t leaving me right now.
“What time is it?”
“Five-thirty. Go back to bed, baby.”
I’m groggy as I lie back down but hold on to his hand. “You’ll be back?”
“I’ll be back.” He kisses my hair before leaving, and I can’t help the feeling of being empty all over again. At least I’m not fucking crying again.
He’s been gone for about ten minutes, and I wish Hank’s giant body was on the bed with me. It’s then that the mattress dips. I smell her before she says anything. Piper smells like citrus, and while I’m not drawn to it, it’s comforting to me.
My friend spoons me from behind, holding me close. “You okay, Charles?”
“Hank,” I say in a pathetic voice.
“Eli told me everything. Can’t say I was shocked to see him.”
“I’m sorry,” I say. We’ve been friends for so long that she knows what I mean. I’m sorry for yelling at her and treating her like I did the other day. She knows me better than anyone else. She was only looking out for me, and I’m starting to see where she’s coming from.
“I just want you to be happy.”
“I’m not sure how to do that anymore,” I say with a sigh.
“Just take it day by day. How did it make you feel to be around one of them again?”
