We say goodnight, and I go upstairs, putting on an oversized shirt and crawling into bed. The sky goes so dark, all the stars seep out of velvety ink and hang low over the ranch. It’s quiet except for squabbling nightbirds and the distant sound of cattle settling. For some reason, I can’t fall asleep. My sheets are scratchy, my pillow too hot. I hear my parents go to bed, and then it’s total silence.
Frustrated, I get up and go down to the kitchen. The light above the stove glows yellow. I flick on the burner and take a pan out, pouring a cup of milk and some hot chocolate powder in. When my siblings and I were little and couldn’t sleep, we’d get up and make a snack. Mom would always hear us, but instead of getting mad, she’d come in wearing her blue robe and make hot chocolate for everybody. Sometimes, I think she put a little melatonin in it, because we went out like a light afterwards.
I smile. My parents were always so busy managing the ranch, but they made time for us.
In the dark, I sit at the kitchen table and think about everything, even though I don’t mean to. When I started my job, Shane was part of my life. I was trying to be the perfect new employee, the perfect girlfriend. In the middle of all that, I forgot to leave room for what I wanted.
Now that I’m surrounded by the quiet of the ranch, it’s all pouring back.
I forgot who I was, back when I was a little girl.
That thought sinks in, and it’s sad.
“Hey, honey.”
Jumping, I turn in my seat. Mom stands in the doorway, the stove light glinting off her cropped hair. She’s in the same blue robe, pulled close.
“You scared me,” I say.
She crossed to the table, sinking down beside me. For a minute, neither of us speak.
“You seem off since you broke up with Shane,” she says finally. “Is it keeping you up?”
I shrug. “You want some hot chocolate?”
She shakes her head. “I’m good, thanks. Tell me what’s keeping you up.”
“I don’t know
.” I tap the side of my mug, thinking hard. “I’m just rethinking some things. But…I don’t want to bring your hopes up and make you and Dad think I’m coming back when I don’t have plans to yet.”
“I know I get excited, but I promise I won’t pressure you.”
I give her a small smile. “Thanks.”
“Are you sure work’s going alright?”
“No, it’s all good,” I say. “I just…thought that life was what I wanted. You know, waking up with Shane, grabbing my latte from the cafe at the corner, driving into work, getting dinner at the take-out restaurant right by our apartment and watching TV together. I had everything planned out.”
“Of course you did,” she says, eyes soft. “You’re a big planner.”
Truthfully, I’m not, but I was trying to get better at it. I tap the cup again, frustrated little clicks. “Shane leaving kind of pulled the plug on that.”
“Oh, honey,” she says, leaning in to lay her hand on mine. “Shane isn’t the only man out there who wants the same things you do.”
“I don’t know ifIwant what I thought I wanted anymore,” I blurt out.
Silence. She takes a minute to think.
“You don’t have to choose right now,” she says finally. “You can stay here for a few days.”
I have a sip of hot chocolate, dipping the tip of my finger in to swirl the foam.
“I feel kinda silly. I think I looked at him and tried to make myself the kind of person who could fit into his life,” I admit.
“He wasn’t all that,” she says.
I roll my eyes. “I know that. Now.”
