Even if I end up alone, it was worth it to get clean just for this.
Deacon comes out with Slate against his shoulder. Freya stands, going over to pat his back and check his diaper. I lean against the railing and watch them, together like a family. She’s smiling in a way I never saw her smile before Deacon and Slate came along. He’s looking down at them like they make the sun rise and set.
Our family was never like this. I’m so damn grateful that out of all of us, she got to have something good. I’m so lost in my thoughts, it takes me a second to hear Freya say my name.
“Huh?”
“You want lunch with us?” she asks.
“Nah, I’m gonna walk down to the mess hall,” I say, pushing myself upright. “I want a shower before I eat.”
She doesn’t answer, just stands by Deacon with her palm rested on Slate’s back. But I see that look in her eyes, the wistful wishing that I would be as happy someday. I don’t know how to tell her Iamhappy. My expectations for my life have always been low. Being clean and healthy, having a house and a job, feels like I made it.
I’m kind of scared that if I wish for more, a big hand will swoop down and snatch everything back.
And I don’t mind sitting on the porch by myself at the end of the day.
CHAPTER EIGHT
JANIE
I see Bittern come in from working with Deacon, and I stop to stare. I’m in my parents’ house, standing at the sink with a cup of orange tea. I’m restless, but I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I only have a half day left here, and I don’t want to go home anymore.
I think the breakup hit me harder than I thought. I don’t think this is just about the city or my job. It feels like something else.
Tea in hand, I go out on the porch. Orange light spills down the lane between houses. I sink onto the bottom step so I can put my bare feet in the beaten down grass. It’s warm, sweet smelling. Faintly, to my right, comes the sound of horses being brought in from the field. I see my father standing in the barn doorway with Ed, talking with their hands on their hips. Another man comes around the corner, leading a bay horse. He skirts around them, heading up the center lane towards me. His head is down, but I know right away it’s Bittern.
My stomach flips, which seems unnecessary, considering I've never spoken to this man.
Dipping my head, I watch him from the corner of my eye. He’s moving at an even pace, lead rope in hand but not guiding his horse. It's just walking along, head resting on his shoulder like it trusts him. I can see why it might. Even from afar, he’s got a steady energy, nice and level.
He passes by, and I watch him until he turns to disappear into the barn. I stay put, holding my tea without drinking until it grows cold. Finally, just as it starts to get dark, he comes back down the lane. This time, he’s with another wrangler, but he’s not talking, just listening to the man chatter and nodding his head.
A good listener. I make a mental note of that.
Then he’s gone, disappearing down the lane. I go inside to find my mother in the kitchen, unwrapping some food from the mess hall.
“Where’d you come from?” I ask, setting my cup in the sink.
“Outside. I came in through the back.” She pats down her cropped hair, her face windblown and fresh. “I spent the day out with the new colts. Your father needed some help.”
I open my mouth, but suddenly, I can’t figure out what to say. My mother always seems like she knows what she wants. She’s centered, driven, and handles a lot. I always thought I’d like to be like her someday, but now that I’m older, I think I’m too flighty to be that practical. It’s moments like this when I remember she was my age once. She probably didn’t have everything figured out then.
I want to talk to her about how homesick I am, but I know she’ll just beg me to stay. I wish I had a neutral party to advise me.
“I’m getting tired. Might go to bed early,” I say, heading to the stairs. I’m halfway up before I stop and go back down. “Hey, Mom!”
She leans into the hall.
“I’m staying an extra day,” I say.
She smiles then tempers it. Like if she gets too excited, it’ll scare me off. “That’s great, honey. Are you alright?”
I nod. “Yeah, just not ready to go back.”
“Are you thinking about Shane? Has he been bothering you?”
“Nah, I’m good, he hasn’t texted. I blocked him anyway. I just need some time to clear my head.”
