I chew my lip and look deeper into myself. “That’s if I have a biological child. I have this fear that if our theoretical child wasn’t physically and mentally perfect—whatever the fuck that that means, but for a lack of a better word—that I’d lose the relationship with them, too. I have that fear even if we were to adopt. Like, what if they reject our child then? It would tear me apart.”
I can feel my heart rate pickup as I work through this explanation. “So it’s like, do I disappoint them by not having a biological child? Or am I disappointed and heartbroken that they will treat the child like Theo would have? Rejecting them.”
“It sounds like you may have anxiety around broaching the subject that if your future child does not fit a cookie-cutter mold, that your relationship with Jay and Marco will suffer. Does that feel correct?”
“Yes. Talking to them about this—I can’t help but fear that they’ll do the same thing Theo did to me. I know I have to talk to them about this eventually.”
“Can you think of anything that you might be able to do to alleviate some of that stress or fear?”
My mind immediately thinks about Marco and how he calms me down. “I can try deep, purposeful breathing. That seems to help me these days.”
“That sounds excellent, Cora.”
“I definitely have some homework and journaling to do over the weekend.”
Dr. Zenner looks up at the clock on the fireplace mantel. “Our time is almost up for today. But before we go, I want to circle back to what we discussed at the beginning of our session.” My heart pounds and my skin becomes clammy in anticipation of what she’s about to say. It’s a variation of the same thing she’s told me the last four sessions, and it’s hard to hear each time.
“As we’re closing up, I just wanna say that it’s clear you’ve placed a lot of blame on yourself for forgetting Violet’s birthday, and thinking back through the conversation we had today, it’s so clear and I hope you can see that she is someone who you are never going to forget, and she is very much at the front of your brain.”
Fighting back my tears is pointless, but I dab them with a tissue, as we both stand. I take a deep breath to calm myself. “Thank you, Dr. Zenner. She is. I’ll see you next week.”
Chapter 15
Fairmount Park
Jay
Present Day
I’mitchingtoknowhow Cora’s therapy sessions are going. She hasn’t told us much about what she’s been talking about with her doctor—at least, it’s not enough for my gossip-greedy brain—and it’s taking everything I am to not pry. I don’t want her to feel like her therapy is all she is; her brokenness does not define her. She’s so much more. Her beautiful exterior is nothing compared to her beautiful interior—so intricate and fascinating that it would take me a lifetime to understand how it all works.
We step outside the confines of our warm vehicle to the sprawling expanse of Fairmount Park—a huge historic park located right in the city. There are fields for sports, nature trails, pavilions, gardens, and public art. There are a few historic homes scattered as well as stone bridges that I know Cora will love. I’ve heard her say on more than one occasionI’m a simp for a good archway.
We’ve bundled up to simply walk around and enjoy the serenity of this sunny, winter Saturday. Marco and I wanted to take her somewhere to clear her mind since the hearing is Tuesday.
Tuesday. All this drama and work has finally funneled into this first hearing. It’s impossible not to be nervous, but I’m trying my best to appear calm and strong for her.
We make our way winding through one of the nature trails as bright rays of sunshine peak through the barren branches over our heads. I point out a cardinal that has landed on an evergreen a few feet away; its striking red feathers are unmistakable and impossible to ignore.
Cora smiles at me. “Do you guys ever think about if we’ve ever crossed paths before? Like, all three of us were born and raised in the area. It can stand to reason we may have been at the same events, the same stores, the same parks,” she gestures to the forest around us. “—and not even known it. I’ve been to this park at least a hundred times.”
I squeeze her gloved hand tight. “Me too.”
“This park is actually where I realized Jay wasa lotmore than a friend,” Marco smiles from the other side of Cora, and I can’t suppress the heat that rushes to my face and the butterflies that erupt from my core. Sparing no detail, we recount that story for her.
We spend the next hour breathing in the crisp late January air, looking at art and bridges, and watching the Schuylkill River sparkle as Marco and I answer all her questions about our story. She’s beaming while listening to us, and it pulls on my heartstrings. The way she invests herself in Marco and my relationship is so interesting to me. Not a whisper of jealousy. It’s nothing more than curiosity and adoration for our bond, but it feels integral somehow.
The three of us take a seat on a wooden bench with Marco in the middle. We’re back on a trail in the woods, off the beaten path a little.
“Your story is incredible, you guys.” She sighs, “I love your love. I love the way you love each other.”
There are a lot ofI lovestatements in there and my chest tightens. I lean in, pressing my lips to his gently. “He’s very easy to love,” I say through a smile, but I want desperately to add,So are you, Cora.
Marco leans her into our joined faces and the three of us share a kiss. Between layers of coats and scarves and hats, our bare lips seek the warmth of each other.
I think this could be the moment she finally tells us. How can it not? How can she hold it back? I know it’s there. Those three powerful little words have been danced around endlessly these past few weeks it seems. Every time I think it’s going to happen, I wait on bated breath for her to claim us fully.
But we break our kiss, and the words still don’t come.
