How can I be so in love and still have a broken heart? How can I be this happy with this much turmoil?
Marco points to an owl he’s spotted high in a beech tree. “Look… right over there. She’s in a nest.” We both look to where he’s pointing and he’s right. A regal Great Horned Owl perches in her nest, staring at us, protecting her precious eggs.
“Have you ever heard of fetal cell microchimerism, Cora?” he asks, shifting her close as she rests under his arm.
“No.”
“It’s when cells and DNA from your baby are left behind in your body after a miscarriage. I just read about it. Apparently, that DNA stays with you—for decades. It’s supposed to help heal your body.”
She’s silent for a while and I peek at her to see her eyes focused, like her mind is racing. She lifts a hand to her face and dabs at a tear but doesn’t look away from the owl. “So she’s always with me?”
“She is.”
Cora swallows back her tears. “That’s…” She shifts out from under his arm to look him in the eyes. She scans his face, then mine as her lips wobble. “Thank you for telling me that. I don’t think you understand just how impactful that is to hear.” She shakes her head in disbelief. “Why do you know about that?”
Marco looks over at me and I admit, “We’ve been learning about miscarriage and researching how to best support you.”
“You have?”
A puff of air forms as he lets out a gentle sigh. “Why wouldn’t we, sweetheart? Why wouldn’t we do everything in our power to understand you and hold you up? You don’t have to do this alone. You don’t have to carry these burdens, this mental weight, all by yourself. We know you’re strong and independent, but that doesn’t mean you can’t lean on us—fallon us—give us everything you are andknowwe will not falter—”
“I love you,” she declares breathlessly, cutting him off and my heart erupts like a volcano. “Both of you. Immensely. Terribly.”
I launch myself off the bench and move to sit on the other side of Cora, closing her in between us. “Finally!” I cry as we wrap our arms around her and each other. “I love you so much, baby. So much it hurts.”
“I love you, sweetheart. I’m never gonna stop saying it, and I’m never letting you go.”
Relief feels like a torrential downpour as the three of us hold each other and cry in the middle of this nature preserve with our owl friend watching over us. A couple walks past us on the trail and we completely ignore them, too engrossed in our own love.
Our love.
Our real, now-verbally-expressed love.
Cora gives a small giggle as we kiss her senseless. “I’m sorry I waited so long to tell you.”
“It’s okay, baby,” I tell her. “I know you had a lot to work through to get to this point, and I love you for taking us with you on this journey. I love you not only because you’re a bright and shining light, but I love you and will cherish you for your darkness too. For your hurt. For your pain. I’ll love you through it all, I swear it.” Her hand on my cheek swipes at the bottom of my eye, pushing away the happy tears. “I pray you never have to suffer again, but I know that’s impossible. Your lived experiences have made you the woman I love, and I fully embrace it. I want to be your beacon of light, just likeyouare mine.” I peek at Marco. “Both of you.”
Cora kisses me quietly like she’s sealing my own declaration with her acceptance. Our noses are cold, but I couldn’t be warmer because twin flames burn inside my chest for them.
Marco kisses her forehead as her eyes flutter closed, but she whispers, “When concrete is poured to make a sidewalk or a driveway or a floor, lines—or expansion joints—are added to the still wet surface before it cures. Do you know why?” She opens her eyes but we shake our heads. “Because when the earth moves, everything shifts with it. When that happens, hard surfaces and structures have to move too—but they can, and will, crack. So, expansion joints are purposefully designed to absorb the imminent cracks, preventing them from spreading.” She takes a breath and smiles sweetly at me, then at Marco. “I feel like you two are my expansion joints… flanking me, letting me crack, but safely.”
As if my heart couldn’t swell any bigger, she manages to make it.
“It’s an honor,” I tell her.
“We will always be your expansion joints, Cora.”
She giggles. “I suppose I could have made some kind of beautiful analogy to art or design, but no. I chose concrete.”
I kiss her smile. “You chose wisely. You always do.”
MARCO
When we get back to Cora’s house, it feels like our hearts have tethered together. I knew that unsaid love was already present between the three of us, but now, it feels tangible. So fucking real I could hold it.
Hold it like the way I’m holding my partners now—in my arms, as we stand, frozen, in her bedroom. We all know what’s about to happen, and I crave it, but I crave it as much as I crave this embrace.
Jay’s right hand holds onto the back of my neck as our foreheads press into each other. With our eyes closed, I feel his breath whisper against mine, “Thank you, baby. Thank you for taking a chance on the three of us.”
