Giving him a tired smile as he stands up, I give him a hug. “Right.”
Chapter 14
Therapy
Cora
Present Day
Todayismysixthsession with Dr. Zenner in two weeks. I used to think therapy was only a once-a-week thing, but apparently, when you’re going through a crisis, the doctor thinks you should come in more. That makes sense, but I didn’t exactly realize I was in crisis when I started. I can see it now thanks to Dr. Z, but really, the appreciation cannot miss Marco and Jay. They nudged me, and even though I felt like a failure that I couldn’t control my mental health, they made me feel stronger with their support—like I could still be in control of my journey.
And I’m not going to lie to myself, because at this point, I know my being here is mostly their doing. Yes, I took the leap, but they made my leap easier. I want to be better for myself and for them. They deserve to have me at my best—or at least the best that I can be now—becausetheyshow me their best every day. Even when they’re showing me their own wounds, they’re showing me vulnerability. It’s like they’re telling me by showing me—that it’s okay to open up. Seeing them trust me with their hearts and struggles shows me just how strong they are.
I want to be that strong for them.
I knew I liked Dr. Zenner right away, but the more I talk with her, the more comfortable I feel. Maybe it’s the efficiency nerd in me, but I’ve been laying everything I can out for her. I want to get to the bottom of this as fast as possible. I want to be fixed, if that’s even possible.
“Sounds like Marco and Jay are pretty interested in your healing,” Dr. Zenner observes.
I can’t help the smile that dances across my face. “They’re the sweetest.”
“How do you feel about the pace of your relationship with them?”
I take a while to think about my previous relationships before answering. “I had a couple other boyfriends before Theo and I got together. Both of them took a while to formulate an official relationship; both were at least a few months in before theI love yous came out. But with Theo, I knew right away, and so did he.”
I fixate on the fabric seam on the arm of my chair when Dr. Zenner probes further. “And now?”
Still staring at the pale green fabric, I trace the iridescent floral pattern. “The other night, in bed, I think they thought I was asleep already, and I heard them tell me they loved me.” I take a long moment to collect my thoughts, and Dr. Z waits. “I think—I think I’ve been falling for them for a while, but I couldn’t see it clearly. It’s like losing Violet and my dad and my mom, to a large extent, has fogged over all the good that is actually in my life.”
“And they’re the Good?”
I look up at her as a tiny burst of laughter peels out of me, and I swipe a newly formed tear from my eye. “They’re theGreat. They’re so strong for me. They’re unwavering.”
“Are you ready to tell them?”
“I want to.”
There’s another long pause before she nudges me. “I’m sensing abut.”
“But,” I sigh. “They want kids. They want to be fathers. Marco did tell me I could give them an answerifI was ever ready. Not when, butif.” I swallow at nothing but uncertainty and then continue, “I know they’re leaving space for me to heal, and it feels like if I told them ‘no, I don’t want more children, it’s too hard to go through that again’ that they would still… they would still…loveme, but I don’t know if I can put them through that. It feels like I’d be taking that opportunity away from them.”
“Let’s take a step back and examine the possibility of having another child. Is that something you’d like to dig into right now?”
I inhale to calm my nerves. “Yes.”
“What does having another child look like for you? What do you feel when you think about that?”
I take a deep breath and close my eyes, imagining myself looking in the mirror with a small, protruding belly. “I see myself pregnant and worried that I’m going to lose this baby too. Constantly worried.”
“Are you alone?”
Iwasactually picturing myself alone. But at her prompt, I imagine Marco massaging my shoulders, whispering sweet nothings into my ear. Jay kneels in front of me, caressing my bump, kissing it, and whispering his own sweet nothings to our baby.
Our.
Just the thought of that simple word and everything it means brings a fresh stream of tears to my eyes. That’s the difference between then and now—between Theo and Marco and Jay. I havethem. I’m not alone.
I open my wet eyes and sniffle before I answer her. “Not anymore.” I clear my throat and let my mouth run without thinking it over. “But I wasn’t alone when I got pregnant with Violet. I was very much in love, too. Theo telling me he didn’t want to keep her because she could have Down syndrome was the egregious offense. I’d like to think Jay and Marco wouldn’t think such a thing, but I don’t know for sure. If Violet could have Down syndrome, it’s possible my future child could as well.”
