Coloring slightly, Priscilla led her over to the sitting area. “I have a lot to tell you, let me see if we can manage to scrape together some tea with what’s already unpacked. I could use the break, and I’m famished.”
After tracking down the housekeeper and getting everything arranged, Priscilla closed the door to the drawing room and took a seat across from Elise. Picking up her steaming teacup, she tried to stall for a moment by blowing on the hot beverage. But Elise simply sat patiently, waiting for Priscilla to begin.
When it became obvious that she wasn’t going to open the conversation, Elise rolled her eyes and asked, “Might this have anything to do with Lord Hampton?”
Setting down her teacup, Priscilla fell forward with a groan and buried her face in her hands. “I’m absolutely mortified,” she said through her fingers. “I’ve made such a fool of myself.”
Elise scooted closer on the settee and gently pulled her hands away from her face. “IthinkI understood most of what you just said in that muffled mess, and I’m sure it cannot be as bad as you think. Why didn’t you tell me when you started going about town with him? Is it serious? You know I approve.”
“It isn’t real,” Priscilla responded, shaking her head.
“What do you mean it isn’t real? You’ve been to several events together, and I’ve seen how well you two get along with my own eyes.”
Exhausted from the sleepless night and setting up the house, Priscilla didn’t have the energy to keep up the pretense of the relationship with her friend. Slumping down, she laid her head on the back of the seat before answering with a sigh of resignation. “We’re only pretending to be courting so that others will believe we’re already spoken for and leave us alone. We made an agreement.”
Elise sat with her mouth open, looking stunned. A swift tremor rolled down from her head to her shoulders, as if shaking off an unwanted sensation, before she recomposed herself and focused intently on Priscilla. “But you kissed him at the Trenton ball.” The countess said it like a statement, but she knew it was a question.
Quickly recounting the events of that evening, Priscilla explained how she been trying to avoid fortune-hunting lords when she unwittingly pulled Hampton into her cover-up.
“But he saw an opportunity?” Elise asked.
“Yes, he didn’t think we shouldn’t counter others misperceptions, using it as a way to keep suitors at bay and our own families satisfied. It’s worked well so far. But I complicated everything last night after the symphony.”
“What happened?” She asked gently, but Priscilla could see the curiosity in Elise’s gaze and knew she was dying for an answer.
“I made having an affair a condition of our arrangement,” she said, blushing furiously and avoiding Elise’s gaze, clenching her hands together in her lap.
Where Priscilla expected a shocked silence, she was instead met with a peal of laughter. Snapping her head up, she saw her friend wiping tears of mirth from the corners of her eyes.
“Oh,” Elise said, gasping for breath, “leave it to you to make everything more dramatic.”
Priscilla sent her a glare, putting her in her place even though she wasn’t actually upset. It was a fitting assessment, given the way she’d behaved during previous seasons, always stirring things up.
“You knew I was looking to discover what all the fuss was about regarding lovemaking, and being in a faux relationship with him severely limited my options. Hampton seemed the only logical choice, and I proposed he be my partner in the affair.”
“Yes, most logical,” Elise replied, lips quivering as she tried to contain another burst of laughter. “I’m assuming he agreed to the arrangement?” Priscilla nodded but didn’t say anything more. “So then what happened last night?” Elise prodded after recomposing herself.
“He brought me home from the symphony, and I invited him up. It seemed like the most sensible plan, as we would be alone here, still not yet being properly set up.”
“And he refused? It didn’t go well?” Elise asked after another minute when Priscilla did not continue.
Standing, she began to pace in front of the fire, wringing her hands. “It started off well with some kisses . . . delicious kisses, actually. But as soon as things started to heat up, I froze. I suddenly couldn’t do it.”
A look of sympathy crossed Elise’s face, but she didn’t say anything, sensing that Priscilla needed to let out everything she was feeling.
“I really did think it was what I wanted, and it was delightful. But then, suddenly it just felt like too much. I thought it would be fine. I’ve been with a man before and it wasn’t a bad experience, but I always knew it could be more. And then it was more. And that became overwhelming.” She stopped pacing and looked to her friend for answers. “I think something is wrong with me. As soon as it ceased being a moment I’d imagined and instead became real, I felt vulnerable in a way I can’t explain. This thing I’d always desired suddenlymattered.”
Elise reached forward and grabbed Priscilla’s hand as she turned and paced back before her. “Stop. Sit.” Taking a deep breath, she did resettle next to her friend, but couldn’t bring herself to look at her, embarrassed to the extreme.
“First of all, there is nothing wrong with you. Feelings should be involved when making love with someone, and I’m glad you’ve now been able to experience that difference for yourself. You can now see the wonder that’s possible when you share yourself with another beyond just physical mechanics. But you are correct that it can also be frightening. You are opening yourself in a way that you normally don’t with others, sharing the most intimate part of yourself. And while it is an act ofphysical pleasure, many find they cannot perform the act with just anyone because itisso deeply personal. It seems like you may have discovered this about yourself.”
Priscilla was reeling from what Elise said. In a way it made sense, but it was also confusing because she’d had no problem sharing her marital bed with Stern when she had barely known him.
“It seems like my experience should be the opposite. Why could I be intimate with Stern—a man I barely knew—yet I couldn’t be intimate with Hampton, a man I am getting to know and admire?” she asked.
“I don’t know how it felt to you, but it seems like it may have to do with your expectations going into the encounters,” Elise said thoughtfully. “With your husband, you were not intentionally seeking connection or pleasure.”
“I suppose you’re right about it feeling personal,” Priscilla mused. “I said as much to West last night when I was trying to make sense of it all. Stern was my husband—it was expected and was my duty, so I didn’t give it much thought. But last night did have meaning attached to it . . . It felt significant in a way I was not prepared for.”
